My heart is broken. Today we said goodbye to our Chance. Unbeknownst to us, he had a tumor on his spleen, and at some point today, it ruptured. This afternoon, when I got home, he didn’t greet me as he normally would. Instead he walked upstairs slowly and barely raised his head. We thought maybe he had gotten into something, so we checked the house and yard. Then we called the vet, but couldn’t get him in. They suggested taking him to the emergency clinic when it opened.

While waiting, we curled up together and tried to nap, but he seemed uncomfortable. Then he didn’t want his dinner. Or any treats, so we knew something was wrong. We speculated on the way to the clinic that maybe he had a urinary tract infection. We weren’t prepared when the doctor came in and said it wasn’t good. He was bleeding internally. She saw the tumor on his spleen. We authorized her to check his chest for other tumors that would tell us if the cancer had spread. There were small spots on his lungs, but it wasn’t obvious if they were tumors.

We spent the next several hours agonizing over whether to do surgery on the slim chance it wasn’t malignant. If it was, it might buy us a few months, but it would come back. We debated on which path was better for him. Which path seemed less selfish for us. We cried. A lot. We asked them to do bloodwork, hoping for an indication of which path to take. It told us nothing. And the whole time, we sat with him and told him over and over and over again what a good boy he was. Because he was the best.

Chance was my first puppy love. The first dog I adopted and the first I really bonded with. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that yesterday he was perfect and today he is gone. I don’t know how to go about my day without him. It’s going to take some time to adjust.

But I’m thankful he wasn’t in pain. I’m grateful that the doctor, seeing our struggle, helped us come to a decision. She said, as much as she always wants to treat, she wouldn’t put her own pet through the surgery. She’s seen too few survive for long afterwards. She, too, started to cry as she said it. And I’m thankful the ending was quick, while he lay by us and we told him we loved him.

I’ll forever be thankful I had my Chance. What joy he brought us. What unconditional love we had for nine years.