March 24

Im sorry, friends but this is going to be a short post tonight. I’m angry. Angry that it was so cold again today. I sat in my family room tonight wrapped in my robe with my feet under pillows, listening to the sound of my furnace running constantly. My hands never warmed up. It’s not right. Its just not right. I refuse to turn up the heat when it’s almost the end of March. I want to be outside. I want to open my windows. I want to complain about having to mow the lawn. At this point, I can’t imagine ever wanting to turn on the air conditioner. I long for 80 degrees and sunshine heating up my house.

So with that off my chest, let me say that I am thankful I have a working furnace and a way to keep warm. I know what I’m complaining about is minor in the grand scheme of things. I’m also thankful it’s supposed to get to 60 degrees by Sunday. That’s something to look forward to. It’s a start.

March 23

I went to some open houses today with someone who’s in the market for a first home. I love looking at houses. I love architecture and decorating. And walking through other people’s homes is so interesting to me. It amazes me sometimes how a place that can look really good from the outside doesn’t always measure up on the inside. Or how places get remodeled in such strange ways. Most of what we looked at were vacant houses. Sadly, I think several were due to foreclosures. However, it allowed us to get a view of the house without the distraction of stuff, which usually helps. Open houses can be funny though.The one house that was still lived in was shown by the owners. They had massage music playing and followed us around a bit. I almost felt bad; it has to be frustrating and a little sad to see people wandering through your house, evaluating what you’ve called home for 15 years. At another house, we were followed around by a rather odd woman who insisted on asking us questions and giving her opinion. I’m all for being friendly, but there are some times that call for keeping to your own space. For me, the awkwardness of wandering through a potential home with strangers is one of them.

There were definitely elements of some of the houses I saw that I envied. Big stone or brick fireplace walls. A theatre room. A wraparound porch. Larger yards. More space or better layouts. But at the end of the day, I went home with a renewed sense of gratitude for my own place. I got a good deal on my house. It’s in a great location. It’s not my dream house, but it works for me at this point in my life. And I’ve had other houses, so I don’t feel like I’ve really missed out on some of those things. I owned a Victorian house that had two staircases, a turret, and two porches. I had a cute little bungalow with an attic bedroom. I had a farmhouse on 10 acres with a stream going through. I’ve had the opportunity to change my decorating and remodel numerous times. And I still have that opportunity with my current house. Looking at places today gave me the desire to finish up some of the projects I started and also gave me some ideas for new ones I can consider. So I spent a while on Pinterest again tonight. I also cheated on Lowe’s and went to Menards where I found a great deal on a new light fixture and some outdoor items. It’s going to be a busy spring and summer around here.

March 22

Today I was thankful for a lot of small things:

Making it to the gym this morning for a good workout. I missed the class I enjoy going to, but I ended up running a little longer than I normally do and still got some biking in.
Putting clean sheets on my bed. I’m going to be happy about that as soon as I’m done writing tonight.
Having my kids stop home unexpectedly. They’re visiting their dad this weekend, but needed to pick up a couple of items for a birthday party tomorrow. They hung out long enough to have a proper chat over lunch.
Catching up with my younger sister over the phone. We don’t do that often enough.
Seeing the sunshine, even though it was too cold out again.
Finding ways to stay warm without turning up the thermostat. That’s always a good thing.
Eating a really good burger. I don’t often crave specific foods. Today I did and made a good choice of where to go for it. Yummm.
Watching a Dr. Who special. (There should be no need to explain that.)
Writing at the computer with my cat in my lap. Even though he isn’t very helpful.

March 21

It struck me when I got the mail tonight that the huge mound of snow which almost covered my mailbox is almost gone. Just like that. It’s funny because I had gotten so used to tiptoeing carefully out to get the mail. Every time the snow plows would go by, they’d push the snow up higher and higher in front of the box so the post wasn’t even visible. It was like my little black mailbox was sitting at the top of its own snow hill. And the built-up ice on the ground in front was precarious. Whenever we’d get a bit of a thaw, there would be a pool of water at the end of my drive, which would then freeze back over. I’d have to shuffle across the ice, step carefully to the mailbox and then onto another step I had created in the snow bank just so I could reach across the three feet of snow far enough to grab the mail without falling. Or if it was just too darn cold to even walk out there, I’d drive my car up as close as I could, which was still about 3 feet away. My car would sit at an angle while I opened the door, rolled down the window and hung out through the hole just to reach out far enough to open the door on the mailbox. I’m sure my neighbors think I’m a little crazy. But today, I was able to walk right up and get the mail, with only a small patch of snow and ice to contend with. I was thankful for that.

I was convinced all winter that I was going to slip one day and hurt myself. I have a tendency to trip over my own feet. And when I fall, I do so fabulously. It’s the stuff of cartoons. Once, when I lived in the country, unbeknownst to me, my entire yard became a sheet of ice. As I trudged to my car (I had no garage) I slipped, my entire body went airborne straight up in the air, and I came down on my back. My purse, my work bag, my coffee mug went flying. I lay there, stunned, coffee pouring out around my head, papers and junk scattered around me until a one of the outside cats slinked over and meowed. I chipped a bone in my elbow on that fall.

Another time, I was on my way into work. The concrete steps were covered in rubber, and because it was winter and my shoes were wet, I slipped going down the stairs when my heel hit the edge of the stair. Again, I flew up and came straight down on my back. This time I not only had my bags of junk, but I was also talking on my cell phone. Everything went flying. My cell phone landed at the bottom of the stairs and broke apart. Papers scattered. And I just sort of slid down the stairs on my back, completely winded. And hurt. I collected my items and limped to my office. I called the girlfriend I was talking to at the time to let her know why we were so rudely disconnected. She laughed, of course. But wow, you should have seen the bruises I sported about a week later.

Unfortunately, those falls were unwitnessed. Which is too bad because I’m sure they were hilarious. I wish I could have seen myself; I would have laughed. Another good fall I had did have a witness. It was inside at work when I was escorting a copy machine repair man down to the work room so I could unlock the door for him. As we rounded a corner, I stepped on the side of my high heeled shoe and twisted my ankle. I went down so hard on my hands and knees that my hands made an echoing slap against the floor. I’m laughing as I write this. The poor guy tried to pretend nothing happened. Thankfully, only my pride was hurt that time. And even more thankfully, no one from our police department witnessed it on the security camera. At least no one ever mentioned it to me.

So, I’m glad today I made it through the ice and snow without a major fall. At least so far. And if I have one coming up, I earnestly hope there are witnesses to enjoy it.

March 20

It’s the first day of Spring! Even though the day started out with new snow on the ground, it ended with some sunshine. I’m thankful it’s officially here on the calendar, even if it doesn’t quite feel like it yet.

March 19

I mentioned the other day that I had gotten some disturbing news. My dad had been admitted to the hospital because of dangerously low potassium levels. Once there, they determined some other things weren’t quite right, like white blood cell count and EKG. All things that pointed toward an infection of some kind, but given my dad’s history with cancer, it could also indicate a return of that dreaded disease. I’m thankful today that he was released and sent home. They got levels returned to a normal range, but they didn’t determine the reason things got off-track to begin with. I guess he now has some follow-up visits with his doctor. Of course, I’m thinking positively.

I had written a bit about my dad’s stomach cancer before. Did you know that if you lose your stomach like my dad did, they create a small pouch out of your small intestine and attach that directly to your esophagus? It makes eating a whole new experience. There’s no place, really, for food to be stored, so my dad has to eat very small amounts at a time. And can’t drink and eat much together. We started kidding him a little at family gatherings by giving him the smallest plates and cups we could find. I’d hand him a juice glass about 1/3 filled and ask him if it were too much. He’d laugh and say it was perfect, actually, thank you very much. Apparently, there is also no real separation between the new stomach and esophagus, so he would complain about the taste of things lingering and decided rather early on that what didn’t bother him as much was sweets. And he was never really one for candy and confections. Now he lives on fruit juices and a limited amount of snacks that my mom keeps stocked by his recliner. That’s not to say he doesn’t eat regular food anymore, but this is the guy who loved meat and potatoes and weighed over 200 pounds at 5’9″. Now he’s about 130 on a good day and my mom has to force him to eat a sandwich. It’s crazy to me the drastic changes one fateful thing can bring about in someone’s life. Now something as simple as an infection can mean serious complications for my dad.

I had a retired friend who used to tell me that every day he was vertical was a good day. It always made me laugh. But it’s really true. Today my dad was fine. So was everyone else important in my life. It was a good day.

March 17

Happy St. Paddy’s Day! I almost forgot about it this morning. At the last moment, before heading out the door, I remembered. I looked down at my outfit and realized I had nothing green on and quickly changed the entire thing. Thankfully I have a very vibrant green cardigan. No pinching for me. I didn’t plan to celebrate any more beyond that. It was another long day, ending with some distressing news. More on that later, I’m sure. So I decided what I needed was a run and some entertaining tv. After going to the gym, I poured myself a Guinness into the Guinness glass I bought the other day, and turned on Top Gear. If I didn’t have such a love affair with high-heeled shoes and sparkly things, I’d sometimes worry that I’m really a dude deep down. I used to watch stuff like Pimp my Ride and Overhaulin’ and the various bike shows like American Chopper and Biker Build-off. Yet I’m not really a car person, per se. After all, I do drive a mini-van. I like going fast though. I once spent part of a summer racing my own 4-banger shell of a car (spray painted with polka dots) at a local dirt track–until my engine blew up. And besides speed, I like knowing how things are put together.

Top Gear is by far the best car show out there. The three hosts (Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond aka “The Hamster,” and James May) are not only smart about cars, they’re hilarious to watch. The dynamic among them is brilliant. And the regular show segments have become legendary. The Star in a Reasonably Priced Car is probably my favorite. During each episode Clarkson interviews a celebrity and then shows footage of that person driving (currently) a Chevrolet Lacetti around the Top Gear test track, usually in the rain. The lap times are recorded on a leader board. The mere variety of celebrities that show up to do this bit is a testimony to the popularity of the show. Matt LeBlanc is the current leader. But Matt Smith, Ryan Reynolds, Cameron Diaz, and Slash are all in the top 25. And let’s not forget the Stig, the unnamed, helmet wearing guy who does power laps of cars for comparison. No one knows the real identity of the Stig. But go to Top Gear’s website and in true British style, you can find out some rather interesting facts about him, like one of his knees attracts cats. (Being sarcastic myself, I rather appreciate British humor.) While the antics of the hosts, the entertaining way they do crazy races in a variety of locations, the never ending methods they employ to destroy vehicles are all fun to watch, I actually truly appreciate that they do an honest comparison of vehicles–and not all top end luxury cars. It’s nice to see a real car in action, one I could go to a dealer and take for a test drive. It’s really quite informative. And that makes it a non-guilty tv pleasure, thankfully.

March 16

I had a lovely day. Not at all the day I expected, but then I started it with a spontaneous stop and just went with it from there. It’s strange for me how that has been working out lately. I don’t consider myself very spontaneous. Flexible, yes, but I usually feel more secure if I have something of a plan for my time. It’s a comfort thing. I need events to look forward to. Or people to look forward to seeing. It’s probably why working on a school schedule makes sense to me. I know how much time I have for certain tasks and I know how much time I have with certain people and I can adjust myself accordingly. It’s also why I like holidays. It helps divide my year. I can’t imagine not having Easter or Halloween or Christmas to look forward to or plan for. Or all the little ones in between. Maybe that means I’m too much of a time keeper.

I think it has something to do with moving so much in my lifetime. I counted once and it was a ridiculous number–like 19 times. Every four years when I was growing up. You’d think that it would make me more spontaneous, not less. However, there was always an end to things, so maybe I conditioned myself to prepare for it. Count the time left. Prepare for the changes, like packing up and saying goodbye. And try to get as much accomplished as soon as possible. It got progressively harder to believe in the status quo and harder to get attached to things or people. But now, the older I get the more I yearn for stability. Buying a house on my own was a big step toward that for me. Knowing I don’t have to leave it unless I want to gives me a sense of control that I’ve never felt before. I have a place I can settle in to. It’s a strange connection, but it allows me to relax just a little. It lets me feel ok with being a bit spontaneous with my time because I don’t have to go anywhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I won’t ever decide to move again, but if I do, it will be because I want to. I’m thankful for that. And I’m thankful my impulsive decision this morning turned into a pleasurable day.

March 15: bequest

Not every day seems like quality time with my kids. Thankfully, today was a good day. I’m glad I still have some of those.

bequest

some days I have nothing in me to offer
to you my daughter
the burden of living puts strings on my love
worry is a hard master with many demands
I’m a slave to the rose bed I’m buried in

I’d like to wrap up the wisdom of the trees
in gold foil and shiny bow to offer to you
as a parting gift the day you cut yourself free
age gets its wisdom through the mistakes of the young
I have nothing else to learn on my own

promise me
you’ll reappear as a beautiful apparition
in and out of my lonely days
when I have time to tell you of a mother’s love
and you can absolve me of my sins
and prepare me for rest