May 17, 2023

Today we got a new air conditioner put in at our house. It went well and seems to work well. Our old one was 34 years old, so I’m assuming this is one will work more efficiently. It’s already quieter. I’m thankful for that.

I’m also thankful for spontaneous dinner out with a friend. We took some photos ahead of time, so she could have new head shots for her busy consulting work. Then we celebrated that our podcast that came out today and ran into my plastic surgeon, who chatted with us a bit. I was able to tell him how much his positive attitude meant to me during my visits with him. It was good conversation and needed connections midweek.

February 1, 2023

I’ve been feeling anxious lately. I’m sure the winter doldrums isn’t helping, but I’m also sure that my upcoming doctor’s appointments are part of it. This month feels like it will be pivotal, and I’m worried about getting bad news. This week I’ll meet with a new doctor about getting my ovaries removed, next week I’ll meet with a new doctor about my reconstruction, and the following week I’ll have an MRI to check that I’m still cancer free. It feels like finals week, and I haven’t been studying.

So I’m feeling like this self-portrait I drew, a little off-kilter. But I know it’s temporary and hopefully as silly as the drawing makes me look. I’ll get through my appointments and figure out the next steps and carry on. I’m thankful for that.

October 3, 2022

I had a 3-month follow up appointment with my oncologist today. Thankfully all is still well. My blood work was fine, and the exam showed nothing abnormal. However, I found out that my hormone shots are not over as I thought. I’ll either need to continue them every three months for the next 5 years or have surgery to remove my ovaries. Now that I know how long the shots will last, surgery sounds like a better option. In the meantime, I’ll be getting a shot tomorrow. Yay.

I’m also thankful for another massage today. My masseur worked on my lower back and legs this time, and man, it hurt. But in a good way. I can already tell that my hips aren’t as tight. I love how quickly massage works for me. I wish I could afford to go every week.

September 16, 2022

I had another massage today. My masseur spent the entire hour on my shoulders and back. There are So Many Knots. Several times I had to hold my breath from the intense burn. But I can tell that the tightness in my left armpit and side is finally starting to loosen up.

Laying on my implants is beyond awkward, especially with the pressure of a massage. Even after propping myself up a little with rolled up towels, it kinda hurt on occasion. I found myself trying to hold myself up a bit, which isn’t as effective, I know. Especially since I really enjoy a deep tissue massage.

At one point, my masseur asked if the pressure he was using was too much. It wasn’t and I told him I had a fairly high pain tolerance. He laughed and said that he used to do massage at a gym, and the big, buff guys would brag that they had a high pain tolerance, too. He said the pressure he was using on me today was probably 3 times what those guys could tolerate. Haha.

I’m thankful today that massage is helping me, and I’m grateful I can afford to go.

August 22, 2022

I had a follow up visit with my plastic surgeon today. I fully expected to schedule my next fat grafting procedure. Not so.

I had been feeling lately like my left side implant was higher than it started out, but I figured it was just my imagination. Turns out it’s not. My doctor says that the late effects of radiation are causing my skin to continue tightening, which in turn is pulling up my implant. He figures it is about 2 centimeters higher than after my surgery. It’s probably why I keep feeling aches and shooting pains along my side again. The implant is pressing more on my nerves since there is no more give in my skin.

The biggest problem, however, is that the movement is taking away the inframammary fold my doctor created by pulling up skin from my stomach. If he must recreate it again at some point, he will need to take skin from my back. The alternative is removing the implant on the right and reducing the size. That will require moving the nipple we tried so hard to save.

For now, we just wait to see if the skin continues to tighten and I’ll see my doctor again in December. I asked about the muscle tightness I have under my arm still, and he thinks the radiation has impacted the muscle as well. I’m going to start massage therapy to see if it makes any difference with the tight muscles. Maybe it will at least give me a little more range of motion.

It was a disappointing visit, but my doctor reminded me that I’m now fully healed from my surgery. Plus I have no more restrictions, aside from waiting one more week before soaking in a tub since he finally removed the scab from the scrape on my incision. I’m thankful that all is not lost yet. It sounds like I’ll have options. And even if the skin shrinks more, my doctor assured me the implant won’t rupture. Thank goodness.

July 11, 2022

I’m calling a moratorium on white shirts. The last few I tried on had very faint stains on them, most likely coffee. I threw one out today. Then just before I left for my doctor’s appointment, I changed into a cute one in an attempt to feel cooler. Thankfully, it was stain-free. After my exam, I put my shirt back on and noticed—in the exam room mirror—a spot on my shirt. Somehow, I got a stain without eating or drinking or doing anything other then sitting. What the actual heck. I’m a mess.

My feet were hanging about a foot above the ground. This was my entertainment.

To be fair, I did have to wait almost an hour and 45 mins for my plastic surgeon who was running behind. Maybe I fell asleep and someone spilled something on me. But the big news is I no longer need to put silicone tape over my incisions. Apparently, it’s breaking down my skin a little in spots. And the sore (my doctor called it an ulcer) isn’t too bad yet, even though it’s bigger than it was. I now need to cover it with gauze and leave it be. I can’t even tape the gauze. If it’s not healed by next week when I go back in to have stitches removed, then I’ll need weekly checks on it. I’m hopeful it will heal.

I got most of my other questions answered. The hard spots I’m beginning to feel are from the fat grafting; I can massage them to help soften them up. The tight muscle in my neck is from the implant pulling on it; eventually it should feel better. The pain along my side is most likely from nerves damaged from radiation, not from the surgery. That should also get better. Once my ulcer is healed, I can stop wearing compression bras, but I can’t swim or soak in a tub for several more weeks.

I’ll probably need more fat grafting in a few months to the area that was too thin for him to work in much before. I mentioned that the skin felt so fragile there that I was worried I would damage it if I scratched too hard. He said I probably would. EEK! He suggested going back to using Vitamin C/E serum on my skin to help with the healing. Man, that radiation may have helped save my life, but it did no favors to my skin.

However, I’m really thankful that things are healing well overall, and I’m so close to being completely done. In a couple weeks I can wear a bra that won’t squeeze my ribs. Each week I’m feeling more like my old self. That’s a good thing.

June 27, 2022

I made it through my first day back to work. It was a bit bumpy, but my 3-month oncologist visit broke up the long day. At least there, all was well. My blood work is good, I’m not pregnant, and the nurse found a spot of my stomach that wasn’t hurting to give me my hormone injection.

When I go back to the cancer center now, I am reminded of how far I’ve come. That’s why I am not really upset when my doctor is behind schedule and I have to wait a bit extra, like I did today. I sat in the waiting room full of people, some in wheelchairs, a lot without hair, most looking tired, and I was really grateful I was the patient who only needed a quick run through of my blood work and the last of my shots. And I don’t have to go back again for three months. Soon that will become six. One day, I’ll just be someone who had cancer years ago.

Today I’m thankful for being another three months post cancer.

June 20, 2022

I saw my plastic surgeon today for a follow up. He explained again what he did and where he took the fat from. I’ll go back on Friday to have my bandages replaced with silicone tape. Everything looked good; he simply cautioned me not to lift more than 5 pounds and to wear my sports bra 24/7 for the next 6 weeks.

I was able to take the bandage off my stomach. He went through my belly button for the fat grafting, so I really expected to see a lot of bruising around it. It’s mostly bruised inside, so that wasn’t too bad. My hand looked worse. I’m guessing they broke a blood vessel there.

I’m thankful things are looking well. I’m still tired and sore, but I’m able to move a little bit better today.

June 17, 2022

I’m so grateful to have my surgery done. Yay! We made it to the hospital by 5:30 am as directed, and they brought me to the surgery room around 8:00. In between I saw 3 or 4 nurses, the attending anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist who would be in the room with me, and my plastic surgeon.

When my surgeon came in, he marked me again with Sharpies of different colors. Since I couldn’t see it, Patrick joked that he was just playing tic-tac-toe. Haha!

For the record, I’m pretty sore. I’m wearing a compression wrap around my stomach. My throat hurts, but the nurse said that could be a side effect of the ant-nausea patch behind my ear. Overall, it’s the incisions that really hurt, especially when I try to sit up or twist.

Aside from the compression wrap, nothing else is covered, so I can see the results He made them look fairly even. And they’re no longer hard. Another yay!

Once again, I’m also grateful for my friends and family for thinking of me today .And for Patrick for taking care of me. Their prayers and well-wishes helped my mood. I even got some surprises and my mother-in-law funded dinner!

These Bundt cakes, mmmm.
Notice what is written on the balloon! These came with some other, related stuff that made me laugh.

June 15, 2022

Well, it’s less than 2 days to my surgery, and I’m starting to think about it. I’m always nervous before surgery (who isn’t??) but this time I’m also excited about it. So long, rocks! I cannot wait for my chest to feel normal again. Or as normal as it can be considering it will still be implants.

Things I’m looking forward to after a year:

Laying on my stomach. Getting a good massage because I can lay on my stomach. Breathing normally. Maybe getting a full stretch out of my left arm. Wearing shirts that fit properly. Wearing shirts with stripes that don’t zigzag weirdly across my uneven breasts. Sleeping on my side. Holding something against my chest. Giving really tight hugs. Bending over without pain. Jumping jacks.

Just kidding on that last one. I don’t care if I can do jumping jacks again.

I’m trying to focus on the positives with this surgery and not on what makes me nervous about it. But today I was talking to someone who asked if I was going to be ok on Friday. Um, yes. I’d better be. And don’t jinx me like that. I told Patrick that if something crazy happened and I died on the table, my plastic surgeon better finish up. I’m not going out without great boobs. I’ve waited too long.

Probably the biggest thing that makes me nervous is not knowing what to expect afterwards. Since I’ll also be getting fat grafting, I’ll have some pain/discomfort from the liposuction to my stomach, but who knows how much. Or what my stomach will eventually look like. And although my plastic surgeon discussed how he would pull up some of my stomach skin to help create the missing inframammary fold on my left side, I just can’t visualize the outcome.

There are still a lot of “what ifs” rolling around in my head, yet my gratitude for finally being at the end of this long path is going to win out. It’s going to be fine. Maybe even good. Or great. After all, I have a lot of things I’m looking forward to.