March 16

I had a lovely day. Not at all the day I expected, but then I started it with a spontaneous stop and just went with it from there. It’s strange for me how that has been working out lately. I don’t consider myself very spontaneous. Flexible, yes, but I usually feel more secure if I have something of a plan for my time. It’s a comfort thing. I need events to look forward to. Or people to look forward to seeing. It’s probably why working on a school schedule makes sense to me. I know how much time I have for certain tasks and I know how much time I have with certain people and I can adjust myself accordingly. It’s also why I like holidays. It helps divide my year. I can’t imagine not having Easter or Halloween or Christmas to look forward to or plan for. Or all the little ones in between. Maybe that means I’m too much of a time keeper.

I think it has something to do with moving so much in my lifetime. I counted once and it was a ridiculous number–like 19 times. Every four years when I was growing up. You’d think that it would make me more spontaneous, not less. However, there was always an end to things, so maybe I conditioned myself to prepare for it. Count the time left. Prepare for the changes, like packing up and saying goodbye. And try to get as much accomplished as soon as possible. It got progressively harder to believe in the status quo and harder to get attached to things or people. But now, the older I get the more I yearn for stability. Buying a house on my own was a big step toward that for me. Knowing I don’t have to leave it unless I want to gives me a sense of control that I’ve never felt before. I have a place I can settle in to. It’s a strange connection, but it allows me to relax just a little. It lets me feel ok with being a bit spontaneous with my time because I don’t have to go anywhere anytime soon. I’m not saying I won’t ever decide to move again, but if I do, it will be because I want to. I’m thankful for that. And I’m thankful my impulsive decision this morning turned into a pleasurable day.

March 5

I had a couple of spontaneous get-togethers today that were lovely and uplifting. One was coffee with a coworker after a budget meeting. We chatted for a while about a whole range of topics, both work-related and personal. I admire this person greatly; she is both intelligent and wise and extremely gracious. She is the type of person who can express herself in ways that are both eloquent and emotional, so I’m always trying to take notes. I’m the type of person who, when I get emotional, my words fail me. It’s not that I’m prone to angry outbursts. I rarely get worked up enough to yell, but if I’m passionate enough about something, I find it difficult to speak at all. That’s saying a lot since I was on the speech team in college. I know how to speak in public and have no fears doing so, but only if I’ve been able to carefully craft my language ahead of time. I could not compete in debate. I’d fail miserably. I can barely even hold a meaningful conversation and walk at the same time. But this woman, she’s the real deal. I’ve watched her discuss frustrating issues with people at work and not cross that line of being disrespectful or embarrassing, no matter how irritated I knew she was. She’s also the type of person who can ask probing questions without sounding nosey, because she seems to genuinely care about the answer. My daughter and I were discussing friendships tonight and she asked if I had ever had a “squish” which apparently is a platonic crush on someone. On anyone, guy or girl? If so, it’s my coworker. The other get-together was this evening with a friend from an old neighborhood. We don’t get to see each other as much anymore, so once I knew my evening was open, I asked her if she could stop over. We have been trying to get together for while. We drank some wine and caught up. She too is a classy lady. Beautiful both inside and out. Her way is more subdued, but just as genuine. I know when she asks about my life and what’s new with me, she honestly wants to know. There’s no pretense and there’s no judgment. Sitting and chatting is easy and appreciated. I am grateful today for both of these moments with friends. I hope I was able to give them the same sense of friendship that they gave to me.

Feb 23

It’s been a relaxing Sunday. It’s nice to have days that start with no agenda. It means being open to whatever transpires. Here are the highlights of what I was grateful for today:

The way the sun lit up my kitchen in the morning.
Drinking coffee and flipping through magazines at my kitchen island.
The mound of laundry I was able to get washed, dried and folded.
Getting through Lowe’s without succumbing to purchasing anything another other than what I went in for.
Hot tea prepared for me.
Metallica. Even though their movie had a dreadfully disappointing ending.
Spontaneous dinner out.
Socks. Just socks.