My kids and I visited my dad in the hospital today. My oldest sister and niece were already there. My dad has trouble staying awake, apparently typical of the stage he’s in with the liver cancer and the after effects of tests done today, so my mom woke him up to tell him that we were there. When his eyes focused and he was able to see us, he whispered to my mom, how lucky can one guy get? before drifting back to sleep. It makes me cry to think about. I’m thankful that he isn’t in pain and that the weeks left will most likely be more difficult for us than for him.
Tag Archives: thankful
April 2
I’m thankful for my journaling because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I wrote this poem back in late October on a particularly rough day. Thankfully, I’m no longer stuck there.
there’s a hole in my future
where all the meaning should be
piece by piece robbed by those
I trusted most
my little light smoked
softly out
I’m carried away by the darkness
Feb 23
It’s been a relaxing Sunday. It’s nice to have days that start with no agenda. It means being open to whatever transpires. Here are the highlights of what I was grateful for today:
The way the sun lit up my kitchen in the morning.
Drinking coffee and flipping through magazines at my kitchen island.
The mound of laundry I was able to get washed, dried and folded.
Getting through Lowe’s without succumbing to purchasing anything another other than what I went in for.
Hot tea prepared for me.
Metallica. Even though their movie had a dreadfully disappointing ending.
Spontaneous dinner out.
Socks. Just socks.
Feb 21
I had an excellent evening with some lovely women. A good friend of mine had a get-together that she dubbed Love Your Life…Get Inspired. She asked everyone to bring something that inspired them personally, a poem, a book, a quote, a recipe…whatever. The idea was to share inspirational tidbits with others. She’s the type of person who wants to lift people up and help them grow and become the best version of themselves. A great person to have in your corner.
I have to admit to something, though, and I didn’t tell her this. I was a little hesitant to go. Not because I didn’t want to be part of the inspiration, but because she had invited a lot of people–and many people I didn’t know. And not just people, but all women. I was intimidated by that. While I think I am more extroverted than introverted, I really shy away from groups. Anything more than 6 people, and my introvert comes out. And if those people are women, I will clam up. It’s not that I don’t get along with women, but a group of women can be a tough crowd to navigate. There’s a reason women have a reputation for drama. Because there’s usually drama. I’m not trying to perpetuate stereotypes by saying that. From my experience, I think a lot of women worry about what’s not being said as much as what is being said in a conversation…and that can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. To protect myself, I’ve learned from a rather young age to either listen more and talk less, or avoid groups of women all together.
So, back to my evening. I love my friend and want to support her whenever I can. She would and has done the same for me. Therefore, I put on my big girl panties and went to her party, ready to share some things that inspire me. As it would turn out, several women had other obligations/parties/whatever, and it ended up being a smaller group than expected. Rather than be disappointed, my friend was thrilled that those of us who came embraced the whole idea of sharing. We ended up having some very real, open conversations with each other. In fact, we touched on the disappointment that as women, it is sometimes hard to connect in ways that are honest. We also talked about how it’s easier to embrace the notion that as we age, it’s necessary to cull through the relationships we have and let go of the ones that are damaging or toxic. I felt I learned something and contributed something and left feeling better about myself somehow. Certainly something to be thankful for. Not bad for a girls night out.
Day 31
I took my permit-wielding daughter driving tonight in the dark and the snow for the first time. My leg aches from the air braking I was doing. My jaw aches from the clenching. But we are both still alive. That, my friends, is enough to be thankful for on this last day of January.
Day 27
I was able to hang out with my kids again today (thank you, horrible weather, for the school closings again). We had brunch together once I got them out of bed just before noon. Then ran some errands. Nothing too exciting. But that’s one of the cool things about my kids, they’re really easy to get along with. I ask them to help out, they do. I ask them to keep the noise level down late at night, they apologize. They sense I’m in a bad mood, they ask what they can do. I’ve been really lucky.
They’ve always been pretty good. Well, they’ve gone through their phases, of course. Terrible twos (through fours!). The 10-12 year age when they were soooo emotional and couldn’t stand each other. My oldest had what we affectionately call the “dark” time when she was into anime and all the things associated with it (hair over the face, hoodies with animal ears, fingerless gloves ALL the time, and everything in shades of black). Then again, she had several obsessions over the years that translated into oddities which sometimes encompassed her sister. The Lord of the Rings period was interesting. Nothing quite like taking kids dressed as elves to McDonalds. That gets you noticed. My youngest has followed suit, as far as age-related phases, but she’s had her singular moments as well. She’s fiercely independent, yet extremely accepting. It took her a long time to understand personal space. I had a few conversations with teachers over the early years about that. Apparently, not everyone needs a hug. (I personally disagree, but for the sake of the introverts, my daughter learned appropriate boundaries.)
Formative nuances aside, I have two incredible daughters. They are well-adjusted, intelligent, interesting young woman who, strangely enough at 16 and 19, still enjoy hanging out with me. Together, we have been through some interesting ups and downs, moved numerous times, and shared heartaches of losing people we love. They could have given me a lot of grief over the years, acted out, gotten angry as a lot of teenagers do for disrupting their lives in one way or another. But amazingly, they never have. Instead, they have been loyal and supportive to me. My oldest is the type who will come up to me and tell me that I haven’t hugged her enough lately; she needs a hug. My youngest never asks, of course. She’s still a good hugger. But she’s quick to ask if she senses something is wrong. They also get along well with each other. Just today they were reminiscing about the time they both first got cell phones. They had spent the better part of an evening calling each other and leaving funny messages, so they could laugh together later.
Today, even when there was nothing special going on, we found ways to laugh together. Tease each other and be silly. Today and every day, I’m really thankful for that. I’m really blessed to have them in my life.
Day 24
I honestly found it difficult today to think of something I am grateful for. I was crabby for most of the day. It was cold and blah. My work day dragged on. I had an afternoon meeting I wasn’t excited about. I had to force myself to go to the gym after work. I couldn’t find anything exciting in the refrigerator to eat for dinner. Really, all I wanted to do was complain.
So I stopped to think about the big picture. Nothing dreadful happened to me today. That’s a really good thing.
And then I thought about all the little things in-between my complaints. I have a job and I got there today because my car started, even in this weather. During my day, I spoke to numerous friends and acquaintances, some who simply checked in to say hello or emailed funny photos they thought would make me smile. My daughter stopped by my office to laugh about how she stalled her new car on her way to work. Then texted me later to say how she stalled it about 20 more times going to her dad’s house, but made it there safely. My niece sent a message, saying she got accepted into DePaul University, something she’s been hoping for and planning on for a long time. I had the chance to see several colleagues in my afternoon meeting and had an interesting discussion about teacher/student expectations during the learning process. A friend I hadn’t seen in a while met me at the gym and we had the chance to catch up over an hour on the treadmill. Then we made plans to get together again over the weekend. And because I found nothing decent to eat, I ate junk. Well, I added cheese to my popcorn, so I think that counts as something halfway good for me.
Once again, when it comes right down to it, I really don’t have much to complain about. Not every day is exciting, but there’s always something to be thankful for. Even if it’s just in the details.
Day 23
At the risk of being too personal, I’m going to admit to having a mammogram today. It’s a pretty routine procedure for us women, I know. I think it’s also safe to say that it’s uncomfortable for all and nerve wracking for some. I went into this procedure just a little nervous for a couple of reasons. My doctor was upset to find out that it had been a couple of years since I’d gone and mentioned feeling something strange during my last routine visit. However, the main reason he was upset is that there’s first generation breast cancer in my family. My sister was diagnosed and had a double mastectomy before she was forty.
I’m thankful today for the fact that my visit turned out a normal reading, but mostly that my sister is still cancer free. She was diagnosed in January 2007. Two months after our dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Wow that was a tough year. And my sister faced her own cancer with such amazing courage, it’s almost easy to forget she had it. My large family is scattered around the country, and she lived in Kentucky at the time. My oldest sister and I traveled to Kentucky to be with her and help her for a few days after her surgery. When we showed up at the hospital, we had to laugh because she was wearing an Alice in Wonderland Cheshire Cat top with the caption “Poof…gone.” on it. (Our family’s sarcasm knows no bounds.) And after the surgery, when we helped her do the basic functions: get in and out of bed, shower, dress without screwing up the drain tubes and bandages, she didn’t whine or even complain much beyond making comments about the awkwardness or uncomfortableness or general pain of it. Granted, we didn’t stay with her for the duration of her healing, but I can say with certainty that she dealt with her cancer like she deals with all things in her life. Straight on. Head held high. Doing what she needs to do without falling to pieces, like she would have every right to do. Like many of us would do.
I admire my sister’s bravery; words fail when I think of how proud I am of her. As anyone who has been touched by cancer knows, it’s not something that goes away completely. It’s always there, in the back of the mind if no where else. Since her initial diagnosis eight years ago, she has had different follow-up surgeries and routine checks and rechecks. Thankfully, all is still well. She doesn’t talk about it much. She made it through and has continued on beyond it. On a daily basis, it’s easy to forget about until something as mundane as a routine mammogram reminds me. My sister is a cancer survivor and is still a beautiful role model in my life. What a blessing it is to say that.
January 20: MLK day
It’s Martin Luther King, Jr. day. A national holiday, which meant I had the day off. Some of my friends were jealous that they had to work, and I can’t say I blame them. It’s great to have national holidays off.
It’s gotten me thinking, though, of how many people really know much about our holidays and what their intended purposes were. For a lot of people, it becomes just another day off of work. But today’s holiday is in remembrance of a man who dedicated his life in hopes of making life better for a nation. If you look him up on the internet, you’ll find all sorts of information about him, probably the highlights that most of us enjoying the day off of work know. About how he was a pastor. And how he was the Leader of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, an African-American civil rights organization. About how he won the Nobel Peace prize for his nonviolent protests. About his I Have a Dream speech. About his assassination. He was a man of significance in our American history, so we honor him on a day in January that comes close to his birthday of January 15th.
But I wonder how many of us remember that he was only 39 when he died. A young man. Younger than I am today. He left behind four children whom he referenced in his famous speech: I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. He left behind a wife who, regardless of the controversy surrounding their marriage, had to raise those four children without their father. He spent most of his adult life fighting for the causes he so passionately believed in because he was convinced it was best for his family and his country. And he was arrested almost 20 times and assaulted numerous times in the process. What a life. Not the kind of life that I’ve chosen for myself, and not the kind of life that most of the people I know would choose. Not because we don’t have the desire to make the world a better place, but because it takes something heroic to put your whole life on the line. Thank you, Martin Luther King, Jr. for being one of those people. I’m grateful today that we have such people in the world, paving the way for the rest of us.
Day 19
I’m lucky to have a wonderful mother, but unlucky to have her living in a different state. While we talk often, we don’t see each other as much as I’d like. My father has Alzheimer’s so they don’t travel as much as they used to. It doesn’t matter how old I get, there’s something special about being with my mother. It makes me feel grounded somehow, protected, sheltered when I’m with her. In a strange way, it lifts the burdens of my own life because with her, my primary role is daughter. Not mother, teacher, homeowner, bill payer…with her I’m mostly daughter. It’s a nice break.
While I can’t be with her often, I am privileged to have other women in my life who help me feel similarly. One is a woman who has become somewhat of a surrogate mother. She has no children of her own, and we have jokingly said that we’ve adopted each other. Hers is the name I put down on forms that request an alternate family member contact. She’s the one I call when I’m needing a literal shoulder to cry on. And she has supported me in every conceivable way in the past 15 or so years I’ve been blessed to have her in my life. It’s without guilt that I send her a Mother’s Day card in addition to my “real” mother. The other woman in my life I’ve known equally as long, having worked with her at the college before her retirement, and now after as a part-time employee in my department. We’ve become closer in recent years through mutual life events. She’s become a trusted advisor and confidante and is one of those classy women most of us aspire to be.
I had both of them over for brunch this morning. The three of us don’t always get together at the same time, so we had fun sharing stories and decorating ideas. It was a relaxing morning and the time sped by while we got caught up. It’s wonderful to have people in my life whose friendship is so comfortable and effortless. It’s even better when they feel like family. I’m so thankful to have them in my life.
melissagratitude 