Category Archives: cancer

June 17, 2022

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I’m so grateful to have my surgery done. Yay! We made it to the hospital by 5:30 am as directed, and they brought me to the surgery room around 8:00. In between I saw 3 or 4 nurses, the attending anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist who would be in the room with me, and my plastic surgeon.

When my surgeon came in, he marked me again with Sharpies of different colors. Since I couldn’t see it, Patrick joked that he was just playing tic-tac-toe. Haha!

For the record, I’m pretty sore. I’m wearing a compression wrap around my stomach. My throat hurts, but the nurse said that could be a side effect of the ant-nausea patch behind my ear. Overall, it’s the incisions that really hurt, especially when I try to sit up or twist.

Aside from the compression wrap, nothing else is covered, so I can see the results He made them look fairly even. And they’re no longer hard. Another yay!

Once again, I’m also grateful for my friends and family for thinking of me today .And for Patrick for taking care of me. Their prayers and well-wishes helped my mood. I even got some surprises and my mother-in-law funded dinner!

These Bundt cakes, mmmm.
Notice what is written on the balloon! These came with some other, related stuff that made me laugh.

June 15, 2022

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Well, it’s less than 2 days to my surgery, and I’m starting to think about it. I’m always nervous before surgery (who isn’t??) but this time I’m also excited about it. So long, rocks! I cannot wait for my chest to feel normal again. Or as normal as it can be considering it will still be implants.

Things I’m looking forward to after a year:

Laying on my stomach. Getting a good massage because I can lay on my stomach. Breathing normally. Maybe getting a full stretch out of my left arm. Wearing shirts that fit properly. Wearing shirts with stripes that don’t zigzag weirdly across my uneven breasts. Sleeping on my side. Holding something against my chest. Giving really tight hugs. Bending over without pain. Jumping jacks.

Just kidding on that last one. I don’t care if I can do jumping jacks again.

I’m trying to focus on the positives with this surgery and not on what makes me nervous about it. But today I was talking to someone who asked if I was going to be ok on Friday. Um, yes. I’d better be. And don’t jinx me like that. I told Patrick that if something crazy happened and I died on the table, my plastic surgeon better finish up. I’m not going out without great boobs. I’ve waited too long.

Probably the biggest thing that makes me nervous is not knowing what to expect afterwards. Since I’ll also be getting fat grafting, I’ll have some pain/discomfort from the liposuction to my stomach, but who knows how much. Or what my stomach will eventually look like. And although my plastic surgeon discussed how he would pull up some of my stomach skin to help create the missing inframammary fold on my left side, I just can’t visualize the outcome.

There are still a lot of “what ifs” rolling around in my head, yet my gratitude for finally being at the end of this long path is going to win out. It’s going to be fine. Maybe even good. Or great. After all, I have a lot of things I’m looking forward to.

June 1, 2022

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I saw my plastic surgeon today for my pre-op appointment. He was running behind, but I talked extensively with his nurse about my upcoming surgery. Even though I’ve seen him numerous times and know the plan, I still had a list of questions, like what kind of implants and how much recovery time.

My questions are answered. Smooth gel implants. Four hour surgery. Incisions below my breasts. Hopefully no need for drains. About a week recovery but that will depend on the fat grafting. Both the nurse and my doctor agreed that this surgery should be much easier to recover from than my last.

My doctor also drew on my again while measuring for implant size, all the while explaining what he plans to do and why. He also explained why I may need bigger implants or different sized ones. The spacers are hard, and the implants will be soft, which means they take up space differently.

At this point, I can’t even imagine what it’s going to feel like to be rid of these miserable spacers. I hope it feels like nothing actually. I would love nothing more than to not think about my breasts again. I’m grateful to be so close to being done!

May 24, 2022

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I got an email from my plastic surgeon’s office today with my pre-surgery paperwork. None of it reassuring. It was the risks with fat grating. Risks with liposuction. Risks with surgery. With anesthesia. With medications and smoking. No Tylenol, no vitamins, no alcohol. Yikes. I’m not going to lie, reading all of got me feeling a little nervous.

On a positive health note, my last screening (colon!) came back fine, so that’s finally off my worry list. And I got my second Covid booster today. Now I can focus these next few weeks on staying healthy and getting through my reconstruction surgery next month. I’m so thankful I’m almost done.

February 10, 2022

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I saw my plastic surgeon again yesterday. I didn’t write about because I was hoping I’d get more information today, so I could fully process what we discussed. As I’ve mentioned, our main goal is to get the radiated side, where the skin has shrunk/tightened so much, to stretch out enough to create an inframammary fold–the droopy bottom part of the breast. Right now, the spacer has just created an awkward mound. Thus far, the plan has been to overfill that side, then remove some of the saline, then overfill again until there is some elasticity in the skin to allow the implant to naturally fall. I fully expected to have another fill yesterday and bear the uncomfortable pressure again for a few days. However, my doctor has a new plan.

He wants to move forward with the fat grafting surgery, where he will liposuction my midsection, fill in the spots around my breasts that need extra padding (the chemo port left behind a big sunken spot), do a slight tuck on the radiated side to pull the stomach skin up and help with the fold, and put in the final implant on the right side. Then we will continue to fill the one that needs to stretch a bit more. His thought is that studies are showing fat cells actually help the radiated skin improve elasticity and discomfort, and having the final implant in on the other side gives a better comparison goal. The downside is that I’ll need yet another surgery to put in the final implant on the left. Sigh. At least it would be a quick one.

The kink in moving forward with this plan is that I have my vacation with my family coming up in a couple of weeks. So instead of leaving in all the saline of my overfilled side, he removed some. Ok, he removed a lot, so that I could actually get these suckers into a bathing suit. Instead of the uncomfortable pressure, I’ve been getting used to feeling the spacer move around a bit again. Now I won’t see him again until March, at which time he will refill, measure me, and then schedule surgery. It’s a double-edged sword that he has a very good reputation for both his talent and his compassion because now he’s really busy. What I was hoping to find out today was how far out surgery may be since he couldn’t answer that yesterday. I’m still waiting.

In the meantime, I’m thankful that my doctor has been thinking of ways to improve my outcome. And I’m thankful that I had some of the overfill removed, so it’s more comfortable and (somewhat) natural looking for my upcoming vacation.

January 26, 2022

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I finally saw my plastic surgeon again tonight. My appointment was moved twice because he had emergency surgery or a procedure to do. It’s frustrating to keep moving things out further and further, but at this point, I’m really at the mercy of his schedule. And the last time they bumped me, I insisted they put me in the schedule every two weeks preemptively. I figured if he’s getting that busy, I needed to secure the appointments I could up front and hope I don’t keep getting rescheduled.

Tonight we started the overfilling of my small side. Holy buckets of saline. I wasn’t expecting another 2 full syringes full. That side is SO full and big right now. And hard. It’s like a block of wood sitting right on my already tight arm/chest muscles. I told Patrick it gives me a weird sense of claustrophobia. Like when you’re trying to pull one arm out of your coat and it gets stuck sort of behind you and you can’t quite free it. It’s something I can’t move and restricts my muscles. And the plan for my next appointment in two weeks? Add more. Yikes.

But on the upside, it’s another appointment done. I’m thankful for that. And my doctor said my skin is really tolerating the stretching well, which is great considering how badly burned it got from radiation. I’m grateful for that, too.

December 31, 2021

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Well, here we are. December 31. End of this very long year. And my final lesson is one that’s been repeated a lot in different ways. We don’t get unlimited time. Not during the day, not during the year, not during this life. It’s something we all know, logically, but cancer has a way of making it personal and emotional.

I’m a doer and a helper. I need to feel like I’m contributing towards something meaningful. I like to be creative. I like to talk and research and write and teach. I also like to dress up. And I’ve done very little of any of these things this year. Sure, the cancer made it somewhat hard. But if I’m honest about it, I didn’t do a lot of it the year before either. I’m working on it though, and I plan to continue because it’s not just about doing what make me happy, it’s focusing on what gives me purpose.

I’ve written this blog daily this year because I needed to be intentional on finding gratitude during the difficult days. And I’m so thankful I did. It was important for me to find the sometimes small moments that got me out of my head on the hard days. And looking back, I had a lot to be thankful for. So many friends and family members supporting me. Such great medical care. A job that allowed me to be flexible with location and time. A husband who really took care of me. Pups that made me laugh. Cancer treatments that cured me. And in the middle of all that, I gained a son-in-law. I’m grateful.

December 30, 2021

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I’m going to talk about my hair. I know, I know, not again. But hear me out because this is my next lesson.

P.C. (Pre-cancer) my hair was thick, wavy, and pretty easy to style whether it was short or long. I kept it long, mostly, I would change the color periodically without doing much damage. I could curl it quickly and the curls would hold. I was often stopped by complete strangers who commented on how much they liked my hair.

P.C. hair

Once my hair began coming back after chemo, I’ve been shocked to see how it’s growing. I’ve pointed out before the crazy amounts of cowlicks I have. And it seems to be growing in all different directions. Some forward, some straight down. Some areas are kinda flat. The back has curl.

Post chemo hair

I don’t believe chemo completely changed my hair. What I believe is that I never knew the craziness that was going on underneath. Who would have thought that all these cowlicks worked to make my hair full in just the right spots? Or that the variety of directions helped it lay right or gave it the waviness that I took for granted. If I didn’t know what my hair normally looked like, I’d be worried about this mess of new growth. How can this possibly end up looking good?

And isn’t that a great metaphor for life in general? How often does it seem like everything is going wrong and only later do we see that what appeared to be mistakes were the steps getting us to where we needed to be. Sometimes what we worry are problems are just things working in ways we couldn’t imagine. So maybe the lesson is to be patient. Or have faith. Or keep holding on and not freak out at every setback. While losing my hair was a big deal, and I’m still getting used to its current state, I’m actually thankful I got this peek underneath. This lesson is one I really needed to be reminded of.

December 16, 2021

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Yay! Patrick made it home safely. I’m thankful his trip went well and I’m happy to have him back. So are the pups. They were a bit mopey this evening, probably because I wasn’t in the best of moods today, so they were pretty excited to see him show up. He brought Christmas presents from his parents, so it now looks like Santa visited here already. And he brought me this cute t-shirt from Buc-ee’s, which is a Southern convenient store chain. Happy holidays!

Today I also saw my oncologist and had my first hormone shot designed to shut down my ovaries, so I found myself back in the infusion center.

My doctor was right—the needle was big. Apparently the hormone is a seed that is the size of a grain of rice, so the needle needed to be big enough for that. The nurse kept telling me not to look at it. The shot was in my stomach and I got two shots of lidocaine ahead of time, so I didn’t really feel it anyway. I was more freaked out by the long list of side effects they are required to go over ahead of time. At any rate, it’s over. I seem to be ok so far. And I’ll be doing this every three months for the next couple of years. I’m thankful this follow up went well.

December 13, 2021

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I saw my plastic surgeon again today and had another fill in my spacers. Each side got one of these syringes of saline. I’m starting to feel some uncomfortable twinges from my skin stretching, although my doctor assures me it shouldn’t cause stretch marks. Or pull apart my “seams” aka stitches. I’ve noticed the last couple of times that I could feel the pinch from the needle on my right side. Maybe my nerves are coming back. That would nice. On the left side, I still only feel pressure, which is no surprise since my whole armpit and a portion of my arm is still numb.

Because of the upcoming holidays, I won’t have another fill for a few weeks, which is fine. It will give my skin a chance to adjust and hopefully relax a bit. I’m still thankful to be moving along and tolerating this stretching well.

I’m also thankful that Patrick made it safely to Texas yesterday. He got up and left at 2 am since it was a 16-hr drive. It was supposed to be something of a surprise, so I didn’t mention it. He’s visiting his family and will drive back in a day or two. I’m sorry not to be able to visit his family, but I’ve enjoyed having all my tv shows on and complete access to the kitchen. The pups and I have been doing Christmas stuff 24/7 here. Now my countdown will be how many hours before he’s back.