Category Archives: Uncategorized

January 10, 2021

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Today I almost felt back to normal with my energy level. It could be that I didn’t have any anti-nausea medication last night, so I didn’t have the side effects today. But whatever the reason, it was a welcome change this week.

Not wanting to waste it, I decided on a whim to paint a wall that had been bothering me in my craft room. It’s a wall that I’ve hung a bulletin board on and some miscellaneous pics. However it’s never felt quite cohesive since I wallpapered the adjacent wall. At any rate, I moved what I needed to get started and jumped in on painting.

Note to other impatient folks: it pays to read the fine print when ordering paint for pick up. I accidentally ordered oil based paint. I realized it when it wouldn’t come off my hands and when the fumes started making me feel a bit woozy. Opening windows at 30 degrees only makes the heat run constantly, by the way. I’m not sure it helps paint dry any quicker. I kept doing small bits at a time and leaving the room for a break until I covered enough of the wall that I could live with it. Five hours later, and it’s still not 100% dry, even with a fan going in the room. I’m hoping when I open the door tomorrow, I’m not knocked over by the lingering fumes.

So what am I grateful for today? That today felt normal. That I got something accomplished with my day. That even though the painting job is somewhat sloppy (and not my norm!), it looks like it will accomplish what I intended. And I have putting the wall back together to look forward to.

January 9, 2021

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I got a bit of cabin fever today, so after cleaning the house up at bit, Patrick and I took a drive just to get out of the house. I like driving through the outskirts of town where there are a lot of farms. I dream of owning land again one day. However, in the middle of winter, the farm scenery is a bit bleak.

We do, however, live close to a national park, and it was much more picturesque there.

It was nice to get outside the house, even if in the car only. Lately the most I’ve gotten out is to walk in the backyard with the dogs.

I’m also thankful again today for the friends who reached out to send me a card or just to text a thinking about you message. It’s really humbling to have the support of so many people. It reminds me of how blessed I am.

January 8, 2021

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Well, watching the news tonight was depressing as usual. Between the madness at the Capitol and the surge in COVID and possible new strains, it seems as if everything has just gone wrong. Again. It’s hard to find hope in this constant chaos. When do we get a break?

It’s even more important now to find the small moments that can help feed our souls. Today, an old friend stopped by with some homemade food and flowers. He lives in a different town over 1/2 hr away but drove here out of kindness.

A couple of my colleagues and I met virtually after work to chat and catch up personally. It helps to connect with others even virtually lately. Being housebound may be necessary but reaching out to others is still possible. I’ll be starting a book club soon with a friend out of state as well.

I also was reminded that hope is sustainable by these guys today.

Chance
Barley

When they want something, they can wait forever. Chance never loses hope for another treat and Barley never loses hope for another belly rub. They will stare, nudge, and wait. And wait. And wait.

It seems like they have the right idea. Things will change. The hard times will eventually move aside and make room for good once again. I’ll keep looking for the small moments in my day, thankful for friends, and hopeful for the future.

January 6, 2021

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Isn’t he a cutie?

I’ve been tired today. It was hard to keep focus as I found myself reading then rereading work emails. However, I made it through and took a late afternoon nap.

Sometimes when you’re dealing with a lot, it’s the little things that help the most. Coffee brought to you. A text from someone checking in. Playing in the snow with the dogs. Since my diagnosis I’ve had a friend who has been so generous with the little gestures. She made sure that my birthday did not go by uncelebrated. I stopped in my office that day and she had decorated it with all sorts of 5-0 stuff. Balloons. Streamers. A blowup walker. She even brought in cake.

Then the first few weeks in December leading up to Christmas, she dropped off a gift on my doorstep, each designed to put a smile on my face. Silly toys, a t-shirt, or socks and candy, along with a gift card to one of my favorite stores. And yesterday, on my first day of chemo, she dropped off this giving bear. I love the saying on its ribbon.

She’s been such a great support, and I’m not sure she really knows it. Her thoughtfulness is an inspiration to me. It’s comforting to know she’s on my side, and I’m so grateful to have her as a friend.

January 5, 2021

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You guys! I wish I felt like celebrating. I am happy to report that today is day one of my cancer cure.

I had my first chemo treatment. I’m not going to lie; I was nervous. After almost two hours of blood draws and port flushes and anti-nauseous drips that took over half an hour to administer, my nurse, Sister Rose, came back into my room in a special blue gown. She donned not one, but two layers of gloves, and then proceeded to handle the chemo drugs that had been specially made for me when I arrived. The first ones were red vials. She said she had to manually push them into my port IV because she needed to periodically check the blood draw. This stuff is what is sometimes referred to as the red devil. I told her it looked like jello shots. While she laughed, I suspect she said an extra prayer for me today. After two vials of the stuff, I got another IV bag drip of a different kind of chemo. Both have similar side effects: nausea is top of the list, hence all the extra drugs; low blood counts, so I’ll go in tomorrow for a booster shot to help produce white blood cells; fatigue (already feeling it!); cardiac damage, which is why I had a heart test prior; and hair loss (my crowning glory!). There are of course a myriad of other things, like skin rashes and mouth sores and extremity numbness/tingling, that may come along.

Me in the home stretch. I was so glad not to have to wear that mask the entire time!

But honestly, right now, I’m just thrilled to have made it through. So far so good. I entered a clinical trial for added nausea medication; maybe I got it, maybe I didn’t. Either way, things are working. I’m tired but I’m now 1 down, 15 more to go. And I’ll handle things day by day, grateful for a cure.

January 4, 2021

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Today was my first day back to work since December 24. I can’t say I was thrilled, but in a way, it’s always kind of nice to get back to a routine. I worried that after a week and a half, I would have an overflowing inbox that was impossible to get through. While it was definitely full, I got through everything by the end of my day. Success!

I have to say that today I am grateful for my job. It’s often frustrating and not overly exciting. It’s not very creative. I miss the physical interactions with people and get irritated with the overload of emails some days. But I’m one of the lucky ones that was able to move, almost seamlessly, from in-person work to at-home work when the pandemic hit. And I’ve been able to continue working from home ever since. Because of my health situation, I imagine that I’ll be able to continue with my current set-up for the foreseeable future, which helps take the added anxiety of a compromised immune system down a notch. I won’t have to leave the house for anything besides doctor’s appointments if I don’t want to. I also have supportive coworkers and really great insurance. And did I mention that week and a half off for the holidays?

It may not be my dream job, but I know I’m lucky to still have a job while so many people are struggling, let alone a job that allows me to maintain a safe environment while I’m working through this illness. My heart goes out to folks who have lost their income source because of the pandemic, or who must continue to put themselves at risk, regardless of their own health issues, just to survive financially. I’m not sure what I would do if I had no choice right now but to go into a building to work with a lot of other people. I’m thankful today I don’t have that kind of hard choice to make.

January 3, 2021

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We have over 6 inches of snow outside right now. Sadly, it came after Christmas, but happily, it makes everything look so clean and bright. It also makes my Christmas lights glow differently, so I’m planning to be one of those people who leave the lights on longer than everyone else in the neighborhood. They make me happy, so they’re staying a while.

It was also sunny and warm enough today to take a walk outside. I was thankful for the fresh air and to see how the trees were still covered with icicles. A lot of winter weather is miserable, but today, it was picturesque.

Photo by Simon Matzinger on Pexels.com

While Patrick and I don’t typically have New Year’s Resolutions, I asked him on our walk if he had any goals for 2021. His immediate response was get to the end of it. I couldn’t disagree, but at the same time, I don’t want to wish the year away. We then talked about possibilities that are still attainable; hobbies and projects that have been on our individual lists for a while. I want to read more–not just for fun but for intellectual stimulation. I find I miss the academic world. I’d like to go back and pick up on some of my communications research. I’m also working on my crafts and would like to get to the point of actually selling them, instead of just talking about it. That was my plan last year, and then Covid hit. All the little craft fairs and markets shut down. It became harder to figure out how to sell remotely, so I became lazy with it. The pandemic halted a lot of things last year, but I refuse to let it halt my growth any longer. I may still need to quarantine, but I can do more than binge watch Netflix. Regardless of the difficulties ahead, I’m still thankful for a new year, and while I look forward to what the end of this year will mean, I also look forward to the opportunities that will come along the way.

January 2, 2021

Posted on by under cancer, Uncategorized
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

When I was about 8 or 9, my family saw both Jaws and Piranha one night at an outdoor theater. I spent the next week or two deathly afraid of the bathtub. Or any puddle of water deeper than an inch. I always had a rather active imagination, and as a child, my imagination regularly worked against me. My dad, who was an engineer, finally sat me down one day and forced me to consider in detail the error of my thinking. How could something as large as a shark make its way through small pipes and into our tub? Staring into the light of logic, I had to admit that it couldn’t.

I’ve always had a comfortable relationship with my body. For a modicum of effort on my part, I expected it to get me through every day as I saw fit. If I wanted to spontaneously dance, I would. If I wanted to run through the snow with the pups, I would. If I wanted to push a piece of furniture from one room into another, I would. But when the call came that the biopsy of my left breast showed cancer, I immediately felt like my body turned against me. I lay in bed at night and inched my arm away from my side. I wanted my turncoat breast to stay away from other parts of me. How dare it defect? I did nothing but support it since it showed up 40 years ago. In some weird way, I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore. Where else was the cancer? Every issue I’ve had in the last 5 years became suspect. Every otherwise normal ache and pain became related. I felt like dead woman walking. It’s then that I heard my dad’s voice from so many years ago telling me, Melissa, you are your own worst enemy.

It’s funny how our minds can control us in such powerful ways. I’ve always loved being imaginative. Being creative brings me joy. However, I’ve been reminded regularly throughout my life that being stuck in my head can work against me. I don’t think I’m alone in that. Focusing too much on a problem doesn’t necessarily solve it. Sometimes it just makes it worse. While I believe that I’m intelligent and resourceful and a problem solver, I also know that sometimes I need to stop listening to my own voice and instead listen to others who can maybe see something differently than I.

I started this blog again as a way for me to look out. To get outside my head and look for the moments in my day that are more worthy of my attention. I asked others to join me in this gratitude journey as a way of sharing what I was going through and maybe helping someone else along the way look for their own moments. I didn’t expect to hear so many, many words of encouragement, support, and strength. Today I’m so very grateful for all of your voices. They helped drown out my own.

January 1, 2021

Posted on by under cancer, Uncategorized
Photo by Disha Sheta on Pexels.com

Wow, last year was a long one, wasn’t it? I think most of us will agree that it’s going down in history as one to forget. All that quarantining. All the social distancing. Like most folks, we started our hunker-down by taking up new hobbies (puzzles or bread making, anyone?) and thought all the home time would be fun and cozy. We finally remodeled our main bathroom, doing almost all of the work ourselves, putting in a walk-in shower to make it easier to bathe the dogs. Priorities. Patrick expanded his garden. I taught a couple of online classes. We were both able to work from home and continue to do so.

Of course, like everyone else experienced, the novelty of being homebound quickly faded and the reality of what was happening in our world was sobering. We were constantly grateful to avoid getting sick and avoid losing people we love like those highlighted in the news. We missed our interactions with family and friends and still do. Although we are typically homebodies, being forced apart has taken its toll. There have been some long and lonely days. I miss my kids. I was able to see them only briefly for a few days during the early summer. I likely won’t get to see them in person for many more months. I miss our families, whom we’ve really mostly seen online all year. I miss a lot of things.

I turned 50 in November. Patrick, who hates large gatherings, was actually hoping to throw a surprise party, but that didn’t happen. We celebrated the milestone like most of our days, home with the dogs, eating some good home-cooked food. Patrick has become quite the gourmet chef. I got a couple new power tools and some fantastic gifts from my friends and family. Fancy wine glasses and flowers and candy. And then the day after my birthday, I found out I have breast cancer.

Needless to say, it’s been an extra difficult ending to an already difficult year. The last six weeks has been a tornado of doctor’s appointments and an overload of information I never wanted to know. Unfortunately, my cancer is the uncommon type that is difficult to spot. That meant that the initial finding of about 1/2 inch spot showed up just larger than 2 inches on an MRI. That also changed treatment options and the timing of them. This past Monday I had surgery to remove lymph nodes and put in a chemo port. It was harder than I anticipated. The reality of this has set in and I’m now afraid in a way I wasn’t before. I worry about what’s coming and I worry I’m not strong enough.

This is why I begin this blog again. I need to refocus. I need the hope and optimism that I know is out there. 2021 isn’t going to be a lot better for us. The chemo I’ll begin next week will compromise my immune system and make it even more necessary to quarantine. Even quick shopping trips will disappear. It’s going to be tough. So what am I thankful for today? That I’m alive. That breast cancer is treatable. That so far, it looks like it hasn’t spread any further and I won’t have surgery again for months. That I have someone by my side who makes me stronger. That I have family and friends who have been amazingly supportive since they heard the news. It’s a new year and if 2020 taught us anything, there is still so much good can still be present amidst the rotten. I’ll be looking for it.