It’s been almost a year since I bought my house and lived on my own with my girls. When I think about it, my initial reaction is to wonder how it’s been that long. But in some ways, it’s been a very long year. So much has happened and so many things have changed. And a lot of that has been good. In the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking a great deal about where I am and where I think I’m heading. While I’m still unsure about exactly where I WANT to be, I am confident that where I’m at is a good place, regardless of the uncertain days. I have a life that is full of people and activities and things that are familiar and comforting to me. And right now, I’m hesitant to venture too far out of it. I don’t think my hesitancy is out of fear as much as out of my current need for stability. I still need this life of succor I’ve created for myself in the past year. I can’t bring myself to make changes that don’t feel 100% right, even if it means I may be passing up on something potentially great. This was actually a surprising realization for me. This longing for the familiar. Maybe it’s simply my reminder to slow myself down and settle in to my life as it is. After all, there aren’t too many missing pieces. And eventually, even those will find their way here. I’m thankful today for what I have. Today it’s enough.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
May 16
Tonight after my college’s graduation ceremony, we had a reception for faculty and staff. I almost didn’t go. My allergies were bothering me again, and I wasn’t sure I was up to socializing. However, I was part of the committee that put the reception together, so I did feel a small measure of guilt for wanting to skip it. So after a nap and some medicine, I put myself together and went. I ended up talking with a lot of people I don’t normally get to see on a daily basis, which was fun. There was also a recognition of the newly tenured faculty and our provost had a very touching speech he gave thanking them and the rest of us for the role we all play in our students’ lives. Later, more people danced than I expected, which was a pretty interesting sight to see. Overall, It was a good evening.I ended up staying later than I planned to, but I’m thankful tonight that I went.
May 15
After months of whining about the snow and cold and ice storms, it was a joy to see this tree covered in white today. That’s one thing that is amazing about spring: flowers show up over night. I’m so thankful today for the beauty of the season, especially what’s in my own front yard.
May 14
Today I’m thankful I was able to have some new friends and some old friends over to my house, including a couple babies and a toddler. It was a loud, happy mess for a while, but I enjoyed it all.
May 13
My semester is officially over! I love working on a semester schedule. I love the sense of renewal it brings. This week is also graduation, and it’s been a pleasure to see how our grounds crew has been sprucing up the landscaping with white flowers. They’ve also been mowing this week, and I will never tire of the smell of freshly cut grass. The downside to the end of the semester and graduation is knowing that there are students who will be leaving. I will miss seeing the familiar faces, some who have been working in my area for over a year. It’s always a little bittersweet saying goodbye, but I’m excited for them, knowing that they are moving on to bigger things. Today we also had a reception for several faculty and staff who are retiring at the semester’s end. Retirement receptions at my college are a slightly formal affair. The division dean or director reads a resolution, which is basically a list of the person’s accomplishments over the years, oftentimes with humor injected, and always ending with it’s our hope that his/her happiest days lie ahead. Then the retiree is presented with a gift. It’s really a rather touching ceremony. As I sat and watched today, I was reminded again how thankful I am to work where I do. There are many, many people on campus between employee groups and students, but it often feels intimate, especially at times such as the reception. We employees take the time to get to know each other. And if we’re lucky, we have and take the time to get to know some of the students who come and go. And that’s what life is about for me, the people who surround us who make a difference in our day to day.
May 12
I’m wearing the painted face
that you gave me,
the one with the sanguine smile
and the happy eyes that reassure you
you’re an inanity,
no pressure no attachments
nothing real that will force
feelings.
It’s a tight fit, uncomfortable over
my chagrin, and it lies
heavy upon my somber countenance.
I wear it
as a painful reminder of my credulity
my punishment for playing
the fool.
There have been way too many times in my life that I have not been my true self, for fear of not being accepted or loved or understood. (Hence the poem above, which I had titled Effects of Folly.) I think it has to do with moving a lot, as I mentioned in a previous post. Moving required meeting new people, which required trying to make new friends and fit in. But I’m really not that good at pretending; it doesn’t last. The true self needs to emerge if we want to live authentic lives. I’m sure I’m not alone in that realization. Thankfully, I’ve become quicker at recognizing the difference between wanting to get along, which we all have to do at times, and wanting to be a person I think someone else wants me to be. Not the person I need to be. And in being more true to myself, I’ve found people who really care about me. And genuinely like me. Maybe it sounds rather childish and simple, but honestly, isn’t that what we all want, no matter how old we get? To be accepted and loved for who we are. I’m thankful today that I feel that I am. And thankful for the people in my life who know and genuinely like the crazy me.
May 11
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!
Did you know that Mother’s Day was founded in 1914 after Ann Jarvis, a peace activist who helped care for soldiers on both sides of the civil war? Her daughter, Anna Jarvis, campaigned for a day in memory of her mother and her work because she said a mother is the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world. It’s such a simple statement. True in that a mother brings you into the world. But after childbirth, it’s a commitment to being a mother that makes the difference. And like anything with great dividends, it’s not an easy task. It’s also not something everyone can do. I was talking to a student the other day about Mother’s Day plans and she confided in me that her relationship with her mom was a strained one. Apparently, when my student was a young teenager, her mother decided she was tired of the role and walked away from her family. And while she had come to terms with it, the change in her mother was a difficult one for my student to understand. But she said that her dad remarried a woman who happily took on the role and she was thankful to have her as a stepmother.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the notion. However, I’ll admit to something. When I was young, having children was not a priority to me like it was to some of my sisters and friends. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to have kids. I was never that girl who loved to babysit and dreamed of getting married and having three kids and a dog and a house with a white picket fence. I always thought I’d start a career and travel and maybe have kids later in life. But life doesn’t work out as planned, and I fell in love and got married young and ended up pregnant just a few months after the wedding. And now I can’t imagine a life without my kids. Was is always easy? Oh, boy, no. Were there days I wanted a break? Many. In fact, I used to joke that Mother’s Day should really be a day without the kids. A nice, quiet day alone. That was when they were still crying a lot and constantly needing something. However, I like to think that motherhood becomes part of someone’s identity. I don’t know how I could now separate myself from it.
Being a mom is the sweetest and sometimes most painful gift I’ve ever been given. Sweet because the bond and love I have for my children is almost indescribable. Painful because there are moments as a mother where the individual you are has to take a back seat to the mother your kids need. It’s not always easy to be selfless, especially when your kids don’t recognize the sacrifice, as kids usually don’t. Painful also because there are a lot of moments of letting go that happen over the years, if you’re doing it right. Eventually kids don’t need their mom to be central in their lives, and that can feel a lot like being pushed away. But I always remind myself that it is an evolution and eventually (hopefully) my kids will see me as I see my own mom. A woman who did more for me than anyone in the world. Someone whose sacrifices I am eternally grateful for. Someone with whom I also have a wonderful friendship, for I can see her also a great person outside of her role as mother. I’m not only thankful today for my mom, I’m also thankful that I am a mom.
May 10
A friend’s daughter got married today. The ceremony was a small gathering at a beautiful church and the weather was perfect. The reception was a larger affair at a nice restaurant, with all the trappings of today’s weddings: open bar, sit down dinner, announcement of wedding party, toasts, video montage of the couple’s courtship, first dances, bouquet throwing… It was probably the wedding day most little girls dream of. It really was wonderful.
But out of everything, the thing that touched me was this. When the bridal party assembled in the church as the ceremony began, the groom walked to the front and from the first moment he reached the altar, he had tears in his eyes. And when he turned around to the audience, he very tenderly over at his mother before looking around at everyone else. It was lovely to see this young man so openly display his emotions without reservation. And when the bride reached the altar, she barely took her eyes off of him. I know a little of the couple’s history and their path to the altar wasn’t a swift, uneventful one. They had a few bumps along the way. But watching them today, it was obvious that their commitment to each other was a very real one. I’m thankful that I was there to witness it.
May 9
I’m thankful I survived a night of old life meets new life. I’ll be more thankful when there is no longer a gap.
May 8
Tonight I’m thankful for a couple of things. Even though it hurts me sometimes, I’m thankful I’ve learned to look at issues or problems from more than my perspective. I’m not always great at it, but I honestly try. I think that’s the only way to see your own faults and hopefully grow as a person. And really trying to see someone else’s point of view doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it gives a better understanding of their reactions or intentions. And it can help take away blame and allow things to simply be what they are. Not all problems are fixable, but if they’re understood, it’s easier to move past them. Of course, this assumes being at a certain level of maturity. I love being silly and childish and playful whenever I can, but at the end of the day, I also love that I grew up. It’s the only way to handle being an adult in an adult world. Which brings me to the second thing I’m thankful for tonight. As an adult, I also can handle getting my feelings hurt without lashing out at others. Or pouting. Or trying to convince others to think poorly of someone else. Again, I’m not perfect at it, but I try really hard. Of course I have close friends I confide in and complain to, but I do try not to be toxic. It’s not fair to anyone, least of all myself, if I behave that way. And it hurts to be on the receiving end of it.
