May 6

I guess today I’m thankful for ice cream. There’s something about comforting foods, especially when shared with people you care about, that turn lousy days into good ones. I had another episode of allergy eyes today, which made me a bit cranky. The itching and burning skin was almost intolerable. And I’ve given birth without pain medication, so I know about pain. I did go to the doctor, but he was at a loss and referred me to a dermatologist. In the meantime, he told me to continue taking my allergy medicine and quite wearing makeup. That’s not happening. Well, I’ll continue with my meds, but I’m not going to go to work looking like a red raccoon. People looked at me funny all day and asked if I was ok. I know they thought I had been crying. A lot.

So, tonight my feel good was ice cream at Baskin Robbins. You know how you hear all the time that it’s the small stuff that counts. Well, it’s true. The small, good moments can outweigh a lot of bad if you let them. My ice cream cone and good company didn’t really take away the pain of my still red eyes, but it helped my attitude. I’m grateful for that.

May 4

It was a great weekend for my house and a bad weekend for my body. I spent a good portion of yesterday and today working in the yard, pulling weeds and cleaning up. Then I bought 60 bags of mulch and placed them in the flower beds as I unloaded them. I don’t know why I decide to do these projects when my kids are at their dad’s for the weekend because I am so sore tonight.  However, my yard is starting to look tidy, which I’m grateful for today.  Not only did I get the flower beds cleaned up, but I also found a tree to fill in an empty spot in my landscaping. It had been bothering me that I couldn’t find what I wanted (mostly because I wasn’t able to spend a ton of money) because I knew I couldn’t wait too long if I wanted a tree to get established this season. So I was thrilled today to find a sizable tree at a reasonable cost and I was more thrilled that a friend agreed to help me get it home in his truck. Now that the yard is coming together, the next project is painting the house…

May 3

My daughter turned 20 today. It’s a bit unbelievable to me. It seems like just days ago that she was born. A miracle baby, born at 28 weeks. Three months early and weighing only 2 pounds. It was a shock, her birth. There was nothing that prepared me for it or gave me a clue. But there she was, laying in an incubator 20 years ago, not quite fully grown. It was a hard two and a half months that she was in the hospital, waiting to get to five pounds so we could take her home. I went every day to read to her from Babar books, talking to her and watching the numbers on her monitor jump around. I wanted so much to hold her immediately and be her mom, but it was a week after she was born that I got to hold her for just a few minutes on Mother’s Day. Then I had to wait and be a spectator for a while. It was a beautiful, painful, maturing experience watching her grow outside of me. And we were all so incredibly lucky. Babies born that early oftentimes have lingering issues of some sort. The most my daughter had was glasses when she was younger, since the eyes are one of the last things to form in utero. And today she is a beautiful, intelligent, giving and talented person. Someone I am so blessed to have in my life and call my daughter. You would never know that she was born premature and had to fight so hard just to be alive. I’m immensely thankful today for her and for the way her birth changed me and made me a stronger mother.
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May 2

Today was a busy day. But it was good. We had hundreds of high school students on campus, and I was able to speak to several groups of them about how to study better. It was a little bit amusing, a little bit frustrating, and a whole lot of making me feel old. The groups I spoke to were all freshman. As I outlined how to take notes during class and techniques for test taking and study planning, I noticed how difficult it was for them to sit still and really pay attention. I kidded some of them about how teachers can actually see to the back of the room. Being 30 feet away isn’t considered hiding. And when you hit the kid next to you, it’s not a secret. (This did, in fact, happen.) Overall, though, they were good kids, and it was very obvious that they were just kids. And that’s when my mothering instincts kicked in. When I looked at all their young faces, I could see the potential in front of me, and I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them saw it in themselves. I wondered if they’d persist in school or get lured out of education by the promise of early dead-end jobs. The graduation rate in our district is low. I wondered how many of them would apply any of the tips I gave them during their high school years. I tried to stress the importance of figuring out how to be a student now, so that the upcoming years would be easier. I hope they heard me. I hope at least a few of them want to figure that out. When I look at kids that age, I wish there was a way to impart the knowledge that only maturity can give. And that’s when I feel old because I want to say to them, you’ll understand one day how important this is. And then you’ll wish you had listened better. But they may have. I hope so. After all, I’m thankful I’m in education where even during the difficult days, there’s the potential to help someone’s future.

May 1

It’s May Day and I didn’t dance around a maypole, or sing, or put cute little flower baskets or treats on my neighbors’ doorsteps. I feel a little disappointed by that. I like holidays of all sorts and usually try to at least acknowledge them. I think I’ll put that on my agenda for next year; it will give me a greater incentive to meet more neighbors and learn their their names. Right now I feel like I only know them by face at a distance, enough to wave and say hello. Of course, without seeing them bundled up in winter coats and hats, I may not recognize anyone anymore.

At any rate, it struck me earlier today that some of these typical, fun holiday things are slipping past because I’m not as together as I usually am. I’m a list maker and like to finish tasks and be done with them, but I’ve gotten a bit disorganized and off-track, and it’s time to pull it together. For that reason, I’m thankful the semester is almost over at work. My night class meets for one more week, and then I will be back to having free time in the evenings. I will miss my students, and I will miss teaching over the summer because I really do enjoy it. Class interaction with students is a special kind of joy for me. However, it will feel great to get some unfinished projects done both at work and at home. Soon I will have a few weeks break from my normal routine that will allow me to focus on organization and planning for the upcoming semesters. I’m actually excited about it. Is this what sports players refer to as getting your head in the game?

April 30: Erudition

Since it’s the last day of April, I’m going to close national poetry month with this. I’m always thankful for lessons learned.

it’s late afternoon already
and still you haven’t come
from my window I’ve been watching

children casting lines into the river
consistently losing their bait with the
eagerness of reeling in nothing

interesting how early we can learn
life’s great truths
yet they do not realized this is homework
and so continue on
while I keep my vigil

the clouds fall into the water and a grayishness
settles over the once idyllic scene
the fog is coming in
on something heavier than little cat feet
I can hear its pouncing steps echo
in the distance

there will be a storm tonight

moonlight would cast a rosier glow
over the swirling water than
the sun’s weak attempts right now
the wind blows the lines back
and forth and I wait expectantly

for the children to run home
but they continue to cast and reel
cast and reel
hoping to get even one small bite
and I wonder why they can’t see
it’s pointless now the fish are gone

and then I do

I’ve done my homework
I’m not one of them
I’m leaving

April 29

My mom finally got a smartphone. It’s amusing to me because she fights technology. She doesn’t know how to use her computer and sees no use for wireless internet at her home. (Which drives those of us visiting crazy.) However, when she needed to change phone plans after my dad died, my sister talked her into upgrading her phone–to an iPhone. And it’s taken her less than a week to text like a pro. Tonight I called her in response to a text she sent today, knowing that my answer would be too cumbersome to type out on my phone. After I explained that to her, she replied Yes, I’m finding it sometimes easier to call than text. As if she’s been texting for ages. It made me smile. Partly because it’s funny how quickly she’s adapted to the technology that just a month ago she would have denied needing or wanting or being able to understand. But mostly, I’m proud of my mom for branching out in even this small way. There’s a sort of independence I see in the fact that she’s embracing the new. I think that’s important now that my dad is gone. We talked a little tonight about how she’s struggling with the moments she’s too keenly aware of his absence. How she’s trying to stay busy. It’s not an easy task to learn to be alone after living with someone for 40 years. Not only does she need to navigate the practical aspects of that (she wishes she had paid attention to how to run the lawn mower, but she thought she’d have more time to learn) but she also needs to figure out how to maneuver through the loneliness. I’m grateful for the fact that she’s not shrinking from the independence that’s been thrust upon her, but rising to the challenge. She’ll make it. I know that. It’s these baby steps that are helping. Well, that and the fact that she’s a strong, intelligent woman. More so than she sometimes gives herself credit.

April 28

I am thankful today that my students have a sense of humor. While I was out sick most of the work day, I did feel a bit better by late this afternoon, so I taught my class tonight. Immediately when I walked in, they asked what was wrong with me. Even though I tried to hide it, my allergy eyes gave me away. The nurse at the immediate care clinic yesterday described it accurately. She looked at me in shock and said, oh honey! That must hurt. You look like you’ve been burned. Yes. I look like someone tried to burn a raccoon mask around my eyes. And now my students have seen me at my worst and had great fun teasing me about how miserable I looked. But that’s ok; I’m the one giving out grades in a couple of weeks…

April 27

Sometimes I ask my kids what they think I should write about, just to get an idea of the types of things they would be grateful for during the day. Sometimes their suggestions are pretty obvious attempts at coercion (you love me enough to buy me the sweatshirt I want/you’re thankful you can bring me to the mall tomorrow). Tonight my oldest said, you got to make dinner. At first I thought she was being flippant, but she wasn’t. It dawned on me that because of our busy schedules, tonight was the only time this week the three of us had sat down to dinner together. It doesn’t always happen that way, but I’m afraid this is probably becoming the norm for us. Thankfully, tonight I ignored the first suggestion of frozen pizza and instead made a chicken marsala which we put over cornbread waffles (made in my Mickey Mouse waffle iron) and added a side of steamed green beans. It was actually pretty good. I am grateful we were able to eat together tonight. It was a nice end to the week.