April 3

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It’s been a difficult day. But I’m thankful for the friends who have checked in with me and offered support one way or another. Life is so unpredictable; that’s why living, truly living is so important.

My dad is back in the hospital, only this time they found that it is cancer again. It’s spread throughout his body. It’s hard to talk about or even think about right now. As with anyone in this situation, it seems so unfair. But I’m going to travel there tomorrow to be a support for my mom if nothing else. I’m grateful I live close enough to do that.

April 2

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I’m thankful for my journaling because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I wrote this poem back in late October on a particularly rough day. Thankfully, I’m no longer stuck there.

there’s a hole in my future
where all the meaning should be
piece by piece robbed by those
I trusted most
my little light smoked
softly out
I’m carried away by the darkness

April 1

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Well the April fool’s joke is on me. My internet connection is down again at home, so I’m back to blogging on my phone. Good thing I was thankful for it yesterday because I am not today. In fact, I called the company several times today. The first time I hung up after waiting 25 mins on hold. When I called back, I got disconnected. Finally, I got through but got bounced around between departments for over 30 mins. By the time I got to the final person, I was beyond irritated. I don’t normally yell, but I kind of let her have it. And then apologized. And then regretted that after she tried to sell me on another service. Some companies deserve to lose business.

Thankfully, I had kept the phone number of a rep at another service company. We played a bit of phone tag, but when I got home tonight, he was waiting in my driveway. Granted, salespeople want to sell, but this guy has always been up front with me and actually helps his customers. I should have gone with him to begin with but had gotten lured by the promise of a better deal. So I switched my tv and broken internet and useless home phone to his plan: tv with more programming, internet that is promised to be faster, and a home security system (I didn’t really need a house phone anyway). The good thing is, it’s going to cost me the same as what I’ve been paying. And if something goes wrong, I get to call him and let him deal with it. Sometimes it’s nice to have connections.

March 31

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Ok. I’ve had some trouble this past week with my internet connection at home. All week long it would work intermittently. You know how incredibly frustrating it is to be in the middle of a show and have it stop midstream. And then get the error message from Netflix, saying it can no longer connect. It was a good thing I was distracted by the warmer weather. However, this past weekend, it got to the point where it was out more often than it was working. I was doing my blog from my cell phone, which has its own unique frustrations (part of the reason I wasn’t writing all that much). At any rate, late yesterday I had had enough and called my internet provider. The guy on the phone was trying to be helpful, but I kept having to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn’t understand him over his accent and mumbling. We were both getting exasperated. At one point, he asked something about the DSL cable and where it was located and whether I could see all of it. I answered that the router was very close to the wall jack and therefore, most of the line was wrapped up behind my TV cabinet. Apparently that was a problem. He said I should unwind the cable because the kinks could be causing the difficulty. Really?! I did not know this. I didn’t realize that electricity and internet magic could only follow straight lines. To mollify his questioning, I went ahead and unwound the entire 10 foot cable. It did not make a difference. Could it perhaps be caused by the fact that the cable going into my house is simply laying across the ground outside? I asked. And that we’ve had several rainy days lately? That prompted an appointment by a technician who came today.

Now this is the fourth time in the past nine months that I’ve had to call because of internet problems. Each time, the technician comes out and does something different. Last time I got a new router. This time, the tech laughed when I mentioned the coiled cable inside my house. That shouldn’t matter, he said. Instead, he tacked up the outside line, put a filter on the outside of my house, and fixed a problem at the junction box. Then, when I asked about the fact that the house phone I’m supposed to have hasn’t worked from day one, he went back out and somehow got the phone line connected. My old rotary wall phone does indeed work. Well, only for incoming calls, we discovered. Apparently, my service contract doesn’t include outgoing calls. Really?! What is the point of that and how did I not know this? I guess when I discovered that the TV/internet/phone bundle was cheaper than just TV/internet alone, I agreed to a house phone. I should have read the fine print. At any rate, I am thankful today to have my internet working again (for now) and thankful to know that the old phone I bought off of eBay last year actually does work. And I know it works because I got a phone call on it right after the technician left. It was a collections call for whoever last owned my home phone number. And you know how those calls start with if you are xyz person, press 1, if you are not the person we are looking for, press 2? Well, they really mean press a button. Rotary dialing doesn’t work. This should be interesting…

March 30

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The sun stayed out all day and I spent as much time outside as possible. I’m so thankful for that. I took a two hour walk through state park that’s close to my neighborhood, passing numerous people, walking dogs or riding bikes. I was also able to get my Christmas lights off my house, finally! Later I spent time wandering around my yard thinking through where I may be able to plant some vegetables and adding to the landscaping. It was simply rejuvenating to spend time outdoors.

March 28

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Well, my month of studying math is over. I put on my Dr. Who Dalek/Cyberman fighting t-shirt (for the battle) and took the GRE today. I think I’ll need at least three days for my brain to recover. The entire test took four hours. Of constant testing. I took one three minute break to use the bathroom, but that was it. The testing center wasn’t messing around either. I had to empty all my pockets, remove my watch, sign a waiver which included rewriting a passage saying I understood the penalties of cheating, and lock up all belongings before I could even enter the holding room prior to the testing room. In the holding room, I got my picture taken, signed another form, turned my pockets inside out to show they were empty, pulled up my pant legs to prove I had nothing hidden in my socks, and stood subject to a metal detector sweep of my clothing. Then I was given scratch paper, which I had to count out loud to verify how many pieces were there, and two pencils. I asked for a tissue, just in case I needed to cry during the exam. (Actually, I was chewing gum and suspected I’d need to put it somewhere later when it lost its flavor.) When I took my bathroom break later, I had to sign myself out and back in and then repeat the procedure of pocket turning, pant leg lifting, and metal detecting. I felt like I should be boarding a flight somewhere.

The test itself was comprised of essay writing and alternating sections of math and verbal reasoning. I didn’t pace myself well and ran out of time during both math sections. That’s not a good thing since blank answers automatically count against you. However, for each of the verbal sections, I ended up with enough extra time to go back through and check my answers. I had read prior to today that the final section could be math or verbal and was chosen at random. I was really hoping for verbal, but of course, it was math. It seemed a little easier, but honestly, at that point, I was losing interest. I just wanted to be done.

The good thing is that the scores are shown immediately upon completion. Well, on the math and verbal part. The score for the essay is separate and comes later. I’m not even sure when. I’m happy to report that my scores weren’t horrible. I was on the low end for math but the high end for verbal, so I did fine overall. Not as great as I’d have liked, but I wasn’t shocked at the outcome. And with the test completed, I’m done with my graduate school application! Now comes the wait for acceptance into the program. While I’m thankful today that the test is over, I’m actually more thankful for the support I got from my family and friends. So many people wished me good luck, either stopping by yesterday at work to see me or sending me texts today. I even got a goodie bag from one friend with last minute study/reward treats, which was extremely thoughtful. It was touching to know I have so many people behind me, regardless of the outcome. That means more to me than my score.

March 27

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Several weeks ago I mentioned that our college president had left for other pursuits. Since then there has been a nationwide search for a replacement, and I had the opportunity to sit on the search committee during the final stretch of interviews. Now I’ve had my share of jobs and have had numerous interviews in the process of getting those jobs. It’s always intimidating to sit in the hot seat, waiting to be evaluated and worrying that every word you say is the correct choice. It’s pressure. I’ve had a couple notable interviews over the years. One was at a rather large company where I was interviewing for an internal communications/marketing position. I had done everything I was taught to do at the time. Submit my application and follow up with the appropriate phone call/email or whatever. When I got to the HR department for my interview, I was called into a woman’s office. She had my application on her desk, and I noticed someone had written on it Why is she so persistent? I thought that was odd. Wasn’t persistence normally considered a good thing? I was then brought to the manager’s office for the next leg of the interview. The first thing he asked me was, Do I know you from somewhere? Have we met before? Um, no. Odd. Then he asked me a couple of mundane questions, followed by a discussion of cameras and whether I knew how to use one. That was it. I left wondering what the heck that was all about, and I DIDN’T follow up with a thank you note. I knew I didn’t want the job. I’m often considered a bit quirky, but that was beyond even my comfort zone. Another memorable interview I had was years ago at another college. Educational institutions like to hire by committee, so I was prepared for that when I showed up. What I wasn’t prepared for was a room with about 15 people around a huge conference table. After all, the position was not executive level. Trying to answer a question to a panel of that many faces was definitely intimidating. I wasn’t even sure where to look.

That’s why I found the interview process for our next president rather compelling. The candidates were all very impressive. The wealth of experience and the resumes were remarkable. And the ease with which most of them interacted with a large interview committee (more than 15 people) was extraordinary. I wished I could have spent time simply chatting with them one-on-one. I’m sure I could learn something notable from each of them. I love meeting people who are accomplished and charismatic and eloquent. It makes me want to emulate them. That’s what I believe good leaders should do. Make people aspire to be the best versions of themselves. And I think we picked some great final candidates who could do that. Over the last couple of weeks, we have had them to the college for open forums with staff, faculty, and the community. Today as I sat in one of the forums, I was newly impressed. It’s exciting to know that one of these candidates is our next president. And there are good things on the horizon. I’m thankful to have played a role in this process. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.

March 26

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To continue my appreciation and love of words, this sums up the bleak days of March:

grey days
fit stagnant like
an ancient sweatshirt
dull
life colored in monochromatic
blue-grey
hands on clocks tick
monotonous regularity
rise
eat
rest
labor in between
lung muscles too weak to yell
only breathe lightly
life could escape
through a large
sigh

March 25

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I spent a lot of my free time today reviewing math problems for the GRE test I’m taking on Friday. While I feel like I am figuring out what I don’t know, I still can’t see how that knowledge is making a difference with my sample tests. I’m still not scoring very well. By the end of the day my eyes actually hurt. And my brain was mush. I’ve definitely been straining it by trying to learn all math from whole number basics to statistics in the last month. It’s starting to fight back.

I do think this math review has been interesting in a couple of ways. While I’m actually a logical thinker for the most part, I am not naturally gifted in “math” logic. I don’t automatically understand how to set up equations. I don’t automatically see how many cubes with sides of 2 can come from a larger cube with sides of 6. And yet, I’m confident that I can figure out a real-life problem by breaking it down and working through it systematically or logically. And I can visualize my space at home and know how furniture can fit. And I am a savvy shopper who understands how to compare sales and the return on investments. Therefore, I honestly think I understand the conceptual thinking that it takes to do math. That must mean I simply don’t always understand the language, so with enough time and practice, that’s learnable. And I do like language. That I enjoy. However, I have to admit that all this math review has confirmed how much I enjoy working with words instead of numbers.The competitive side of me says that maybe I should work on this even after the test and prove that I can do it. While I believe in being well-rounded and strive to have a better grasp of math, it’s not where my heart lies. I don’t need to become a mathematician. I think that’s important to embrace. And if words and writing is where my joy comes from, then it’s also something I need to cultivate. I’ve been blogging, but I haven’t been doing much other writing. I need to find the time for that. I’m glad today for that reminder.