Feb 22

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If you want a new perspective on almost anything, hang out with a small child for a while. Not just be around generally, but spend some time interacting. Tonight I went to a rescheduled birthday party for a friend. It was an intimate gathering of friends, watching the Olympics and chatting while eating pizza and cake. One couple had brought their 3 year old daughter, who initially was hesitant to venture more than a few inches from her parents. It wasn’t that she didn’t know people in the group, but because she didn’t recognize everyone, myself included, she was immediately shy. Of course, as time went on and her parents got involved in conversations, she started pulling out toys and crayons and entered her own little world of make believe.

It was about then that she drew me in. She was playing with a boat (on wheels) and was trying to shoot it across the carpet and into some unknown abyss. I happened to be around the unknown area, so I grabbed it and sent it back. Immediately, we had a game going. For the rest of the evening, I was her new friend. Her parents periodically checked in with me, reminding me that I could escape at any time, but honestly, I was having too much fun simply watching their daughter. Small children have no filter, no fear of looking silly, and almost no end to their energy. I was part of an ongoing story that involved sea monsters and waterfalls and mermaid bears. We hunted for secret caves and got lost in swirling waters. She contrived ways to trap the sea monsters that involved papers marked with X’s and invisible buttons that if we pushed them, the monsters would fall into deep holes never to return. At one point, she wished we had a magic sword and asked if I had one, so I checked my pockets and lo and behold, I did have one. (It was a silver worry stone I often carry with me, but it worked for our imaginations.) Close to the end of the evening, she needed a method of escaping the ever present sea monster, and we decided rainbow pixie dust was the sure thing. That would mean she could fly. She’d tell me she was ready, and I’d pick her up and fly her around the room. After that, she needed to use pixie dust A LOT.  Until I was forced to admit my wings were broken and needed time to heal.

I remember this age from my own children. It’s a time of wonderment and imagination. The story tonight wasn’t the fun part, it was watching the delight and intensity in which she told it. Every thing she felt was reflected in her facial expressions, the fear of the monster, the excitement of escaping, elation of flying. There was no holding back. And when her new friend was too tired to continue playing, the disappointment wasn’t hidden either. But that was ok. She didn’t know how not to be honest, and that’s what’s so wonderful about small children. They say and do what they feel with no filter or fear. How often do we, as adults, have the chance to do that? So tonight I may have missed out on a few of the adult conversations, but it was a good trade. This magical time in a child’s life doesn’t last long enough. There’s a pretty small window when everything is a possibility and imagination reigns supreme. I’m glad I was able to be share in that a little bit tonight.

Feb 21

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I had an excellent evening with some lovely women. A good friend of mine had a get-together that she dubbed Love Your Life…Get Inspired. She asked everyone to bring something that inspired them personally, a poem, a book, a quote, a recipe…whatever. The idea was to share inspirational tidbits with others. She’s the type of person who wants to lift people up and help them grow and become the best version of themselves. A great person to have in your corner.

I have to admit to something, though, and I didn’t tell her this. I was a little hesitant to go. Not because I didn’t want to be part of the inspiration, but because she had invited a lot of people–and many people I didn’t know. And not just people, but all women. I was intimidated by that. While I think I am more extroverted than introverted, I really shy away from groups. Anything more than 6 people, and my introvert comes out. And if those people are women, I will clam up. It’s not that I don’t get along with women, but a group of women can be a tough crowd to navigate. There’s a reason women have a reputation for drama. Because there’s usually drama. I’m not trying to perpetuate stereotypes by saying that. From my experience,  I think a lot of women worry about what’s not being said as much as what is being said in a conversation…and that can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. To protect myself, I’ve learned from a rather young age to either listen more and talk less, or avoid groups of women all together.

So, back to my evening. I love my friend and want to support her whenever I can. She would and has done the same for me. Therefore, I put on my big girl panties and went to her party, ready to share some things that inspire me. As it would turn out, several women had other obligations/parties/whatever, and it ended up being a smaller group than expected. Rather than be disappointed, my friend was thrilled that those of us who came embraced the whole idea of sharing. We ended up having some very real, open conversations with each other. In fact, we touched on the disappointment that as women, it is sometimes hard to connect in ways that are honest. We also talked about how it’s easier to embrace the notion that as we age, it’s necessary to cull through the relationships we have and let go of the ones that are damaging or toxic. I felt I learned something and contributed something and left feeling better about myself somehow. Certainly something to be thankful for. Not bad for a girls night out.

Feb 20

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It’s hard to write tonight. I have a bit of heaviness hanging around me, and I’m not referring to my weight, unfortunately. I’m the type of person who usually goes all in on things that matter to me, and I haven’t been able to do that lately. There are some unknowns I’m dealing with and I’m not always good with what I have no control over.  These particular unknowns will have a direct effect on me at some point when they’re worked out, but I’m realizing that they’re affecting me in subtle ways already. I’m feeling small again. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m the type of person who needs to feel as if I’m heading in the right direction. I’m uneasy without a destination, even if it’s not crystal clear. I know–it’s supposed to be about the journey. After all, I guess the final destination in life is death. And…yeah…not really shooting for that one. But sometimes the journey seems a bit of a wander, like it does today.  And if you’re wandering for too long, you can get lost and end up somewhere you wish you weren’t.

It’s times like this when I try to think about what I’m learning or I’m supposed to learn from the uneasiness I’m feeling. I am a true believer in that process. Even the most painful times have some significance, and I don’t think it’s always for me and the direct improvement of my life. Sometimes my hard moments may be for the betterment of someone else important in my life. If so, then I’m ok with that too. So I’ve been reminding myself that things will become clear again soon enough. Again, I need patience.  I think the hardest thing sometimes is the yearning for how we want something to be and thus mourning what it isn’t. In doing so, we miss the ways we could be enjoying it for what it is. Nothing lasts forever–not the bad and also not the good. My current situation won’t last forever either.  Maybe I can afford to surrender some time to being aimless. Because maybe the wandering isn’t a digression. Maybe instead I’ll find a better path to travel.

Feb 19

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There was a snippet of spring in the air today. I took a late lunch hour to run errands and actually drove for a while WITH MY WINDOWS DOWN! It was wonderful! I was also able to change the burned out headlights in my car without freezing in the garage. I know it isn’t going to last, but I’m thankful for the short break in winter we had today.

Image

Feb 18

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I was given this picture today as a suggestion for a post. It made me laugh. Obviously the person who gave it to me knows about my addiction to The Walking Dead. But I also like that people are reading what I write and thinking about it. I started this blog for myself and my own need to look for the good around me, but if it helps others do the same, even in silly ways, I’m cool with that. More than cool. I love it.

This photo does remind me that there is almost always a different take on every problem. It also reminds me that humor is essential to getting through difficulties. At least it is for me. I’ve written about the zombie apocolypse before in reference to the tv show. The ways the characters learn to adapt and survive are so interesting to me. But I’m fascinated with people that way in general. When I come across someone whose first instinct is to give up, it makes me wonder what he or she went through to get to the point where it’s easier to be stuck than to fight. Of course, fighting takes energy and the belief that there’s something valuable at the end of the struggle. And maybe not everyone has that innate instinct to survive like I do. But I think it can be cultivated. One way is intentionally looking for the positive side of things. Or if there really isn’t a postive, then learning to let it go. And I don’t say this lightly, from a life of hearts and roses. If you’ve read a few of my previous posts, you’ll know that I’ve been through some tough times. I’ve had moments where I have doubted my endurance and had to spend time wailing out my misery. And letting things go…oh boy. It’s been a very conscious effort on my part to learn that skill. I’m anxious by nature. And much too introspective to want to just let things go. My favorite questions always begin with why? But I’m getting better about not needing to know all the answers. Sometimes the answer is simply because not everyone thinks like you do. Most of the time, I’d say be thankful you don’t think like me. It’s exhausting.  But when it comes to being optimistic, I wish more people would share my thoughts on that. Not losing hope. Not giving up. Believing something better could be just around the corner is what keeps me going a little longer when the fight is hardest. What would you do? Would you run screaming for your life or grab a mallet and help me whack?

 

Feb 17

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I drive a minivan. There I said it. Even though from the moment I reached adulthood, even before I had kids, I swore I wouldn’t drive one. I swore I was never going to be a “soccer mom.” Nothing against soccer, I actually don’t mind the game. I’ve spent many nights sitting on the sidelines of a soccer field. And of course, nothing against moms, since, you know, I am one. I simply rebel against stereotypes, and I didn’t want to be that mom in a minivan. And yet, with two grown children, I still drive mine. I guess I should take comfort in the fact that almost every one who sees me in my car for the first time is somewhat shocked. I actually had someone tell me that she imagined me driving a Mustang or a Charger or something sporty and cool. I think I disappointed her. I didn’t tell her that I actually had a Mustang at one point. It was a 1967 convertible…a project car bought when I was married. It was never finished enough for me to drive, and was the only item I requested in my divorce. Unfortunately, I didn’t know my ex had put a lien on it, so it disappeared along with everything else. I’ll have one again some day…

In the meantime, I drive what I refer to as my MUV (mini-van SUV combo). I think the front end looks more like a truck, which was the only thing that made buying it palatable. When I purchased it, I knew I needed something larger than the small car I was previously driving. The fact that my kids were right behind my head and literally hanging over my right shoulder in the car drove me mad. I told the dealer no minivans but no gas guzzlers either and in my price range, that really left no options. So when I saw my car and the nose wasn’t pointed like most minivans and there was enough space for the kids to be back far enough for me to pretend not to hear them whine, I relented. Plus it has a dvd system with remote headphones. My kids and I have spent many quiet years of driving together. Of course, over time there has become less of a need for hauling kids and more for hauling junk. I had a decorative painting business for a long time, and my car can carry a full-size ladder along with all my equipment. Take out the seats, and I have stacked almost a room full of furniture in there. I can pick out almost whatever I want at an antique shop and cram it in my car. Same goes with my hardware store addiction. Lumber? No problem. Snow blower? Load it up.

And that is why I can’t get rid of my minivan. It’s just so darn convenient. Although I have thought about it. I mean, really, I would look good in a sports car. I can drive a manual transmission vehicle, no problem, and I do like to go fast. But today when we got another 5 inches of snow, I plowed through it and never got stuck. That’s comforting. I guess it’s still working for me, thankfully. Until it no longer does, I’ll keep it.

Feb 16

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Sometimes you need to be intentional about making changes, moving on and letting go of things in the past. I’m all about looking forward today. Forward to brighter days both figuratively and literally…

candles that burn away memories
cannot be blown out with a birthday kiss
they must be folded neatly and put away
with the good linens
three wishes may never be enough

the clocks all move in centuries
according to your age
only children have no use for time

erase everything black from the pages
buy only yellow flowers for decades
without a sun

there’s music to live for
and spring rain to dance in

Feb 15

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Today was one of those days where I’m grateful it’s over. I volunteered my entire weekend to doing some committee work for the college. It’s been an interesting, but long day. By the end of my time tomorrow, it will be almost 20 hours of meetings. That’s more than enough for an entire week, let alone a weekend. I’m tired.

I am grateful to be part of the committee because I’ve met some interesting people from the community as well as from outside the area. I love hearing an outside view of something work-related. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own daily grind that we forget about the overall vision or the big picture of how our work informs a greater good. And our work at the college does a lot of good. I was reminded today of how much and in how many different ways we service our community. I was also reminded of how much more we can do. It’s interesting how someone’s outlook can be the deciding factor in whether that is taken positively or negatively. It can be a challenge or a burden. Thankfully, the group I am part of this weekend is more of the challenge-view type. The discussions centered around how and in what ways the challenges before us can be met. There is a movement in our community to transform our city, and the college can play a role in that transformation in many aspects. But it has to be right and sustainable and good for growth. Change for the sake of change isn’t helpful. It takes the right people to see the right opportunities for the right changes. Hopefully, by the end of our day tomorrow, we have identified a clear goal for the college and identified the right people. The growth potential for the college is exciting. And even though it means I gave up my weekend to do it, I am thankful to be part of the process.

Feb 14: Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day. A day of hearts and flowers and smarmy poetry and red and pink everything. I know it’s a Hallmark holiday, manufactured for gift-giving, blah, blah, blah. I know we shouldn’t need an actual day to express our love and appreciation for the people in our lives, but I have to admit, the hopeless romantic in me enjoys this day. Maybe it’s because my mom used to go out for all holidays that I can’t imagine a life without these celebrations. Even when single, I found ways to make a fuss. I give my kids stuff, usually silly themed socks and candy.  I send my friends notes signed BFF. I bring candy or cookies or cupcakes to work to share. I usually try to give some kind of treat to my students. Today I gave my kids a 3 pound bag of gummi bears to share, Hershey bars, and little glass hearts on ribbon. I passed out two bags of candy at work and sent a few sappy emails to friends. I even got some emails sent to me and a couple of sweet surprises –one involving Skittles, my addiction, delivered in a big red heart.

However, the best part of today was getting to spend time with someone who’s just as weird as I am. And I mean that in the best possible way. Isn’t it cool to find someone who clicks with you in a way not everyone else can understand? We had a nice dinner but then spent most of our evening being silly. Laughing at dumb jokes, making up our own dumb jokes, poking fun at each other. It’s the beginning of something I hope lasts a long time. In my effort to enjoy the journey, I’m not looking too far ahead. Instead, I’m thankful for the hours tonight and the anticipation of more to come.

Feb 13

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My day started out with taking my cat in to the vet for a teeth cleaning. He’s had horrible breath lately. To the point where I wished he wouldn’t try to bathe himself because it was making his fur stink. Finally, the day I walked into the living room and thought what died in here? only to discover Sousi yawning next to me, I knew it was time. I’m sure this is making me sound like a terrible pet owner. That I’d let him go so long without addressing an obvious issue. It’s true. I let it go longer than I should have and my only excuse is that I knew how much it was going to cost–more than it cost my daughter’s last visit to the dentist. As a single parent, there are always trade offs when it comes to expenses. If I get one thing this month, I may have to wait on something else. Knowing my cat wasn’t in distress (yes, I checked!) his teeth cleaning got put on the back burner until this month when his lottery ticket was drawn.

When I set the appointment, I explained that I had a 7:30 meeting this morning and the clinic was on my way there so it would be convenient to drop him off early. I was told that even though they opened at 7:30, I could bring him in at 7:15. Perfect. Now I’ve talked about my cat before. He’s 16 pounds, strong, and clever. I’ve never been able to get him into a pet carrier. Instead, I have a big wicker picnic basket with a hinged lid that I can usually lure him into. This morning, I had my daughter help me get him to the car in his basket. Once there I placed my purse on top of the basket to keep him from escaping since the lid doesn’t latch. As soon as I got in the car, he shoved his way out of his basket. Thankfully, my daughter hadn’t made it back to the house, so she helped stick him back, and we place my purse AND my tote bag of books on top of the basket. That seemed to be enough, so off I went. Now Sousi doesn’t like car rides. The only times he’s ever been in the car is when we’ve moved or he’s gone to the vet, so I understand his suspicion. But he’s an extremely vocal cat and I’m an extremely guilty pet parent when it comes to hearing him cry. Our 10 minute ride to the vet consisted of his wails and my singing interspersed with consoling phrases meant to soothe me more than him since he doesn’t understand too many words beyond treats and his name.

Of course I got to the vet early. And sat in the car with him peering pathetically at me through the holes in his basket. Not once did he stop crying. Apparently, the woman who scheduled my appointment forgot to tell anyone else that I was coming at 7:15. The first employee showed up at 7:22. I waited three minutes before carefully removing the barricade and carrying the basket inside. There his howls echoed off the walls and we were ushered into a waiting room where I could finally let him out. He wasn’t happy with me. He paced his way around the room looking every bit like a small tiger and wailed even louder. And like any good parent, I videotaped his tantrum. After a quick overview of expectations from his vet, I gave him a hug and turned him over so I could rush off to the meeting for which I was already 1/2 hr late.

He spent most of the day at the vet. I’m not sure if it’s true for all animals, but they have to put cats under in order to perform this procedure, so there’s always a concern that they may not react well to anesthesia. But I’m thankful to report that his cleaning went well–better than they expected. The staff even wrote “good job” on his paperwork. I’m not surprised. He may be a loud complainer, but he’s really not ever had issues or given me problems. So now, besides taking care of a potential health concern, his clean teeth also mean clean breath, which makes it much easier to cuddle. Bonus.