Feb 20

It’s hard to write tonight. I have a bit of heaviness hanging around me, and I’m not referring to my weight, unfortunately. I’m the type of person who usually goes all in on things that matter to me, and I haven’t been able to do that lately. There are some unknowns I’m dealing with and I’m not always good with what I have no control over.  These particular unknowns will have a direct effect on me at some point when they’re worked out, but I’m realizing that they’re affecting me in subtle ways already. I’m feeling small again. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m the type of person who needs to feel as if I’m heading in the right direction. I’m uneasy without a destination, even if it’s not crystal clear. I know–it’s supposed to be about the journey. After all, I guess the final destination in life is death. And…yeah…not really shooting for that one. But sometimes the journey seems a bit of a wander, like it does today.  And if you’re wandering for too long, you can get lost and end up somewhere you wish you weren’t.

It’s times like this when I try to think about what I’m learning or I’m supposed to learn from the uneasiness I’m feeling. I am a true believer in that process. Even the most painful times have some significance, and I don’t think it’s always for me and the direct improvement of my life. Sometimes my hard moments may be for the betterment of someone else important in my life. If so, then I’m ok with that too. So I’ve been reminding myself that things will become clear again soon enough. Again, I need patience.  I think the hardest thing sometimes is the yearning for how we want something to be and thus mourning what it isn’t. In doing so, we miss the ways we could be enjoying it for what it is. Nothing lasts forever–not the bad and also not the good. My current situation won’t last forever either.  Maybe I can afford to surrender some time to being aimless. Because maybe the wandering isn’t a digression. Maybe instead I’ll find a better path to travel.

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