August 26

I was in a weird and silly mood for most of the latter half of the day. I think it was partially because I got upset this morning at work with a simple project that went awry. It involved a broken printer (which should have been fixed last week), me getting caught in the rain, and a lack of follow through on the part of another person. I don’t like being angry at work. Well, I don’t do anger well in general. I’ve had students tell me they couldn’t see me ever getting worked up or angry and then laughed at my failed attempts to demonstrate. The truth is, I can get mad, but it doesn’t last long. And I think it’s incredibly unprofessional to get to a point of yelling on the job. I know people who have and it almost always makes them lose credibility. Frustration, however, I have mastered. And that lasts a lot longer. So my brief flash of anger while I sat damp and shivering in my air-conditioned office turned into a lingering frustration for the rest of the day. Add in me being tired, and I get silly, in that I really no longer care what happens kind of way. Most people would probably describe it as annoying. I turn into that kid who says whatever she wants and won’t stop touching the person sitting next to me because I know it bugs them. Unfortunately for me, I had to do a brief presentation at our college Board of Trustees meeting this evening, so I had to pull it together for a short period. Thankfully, it didn’t last long and then I was pretty ridiculous for the rest of the night. Not everyone gets to see that side of me. The lucky few (who have all perfected the eye roll) hopefully don’t hold it against me. After all, I have to be pretty comfortable to let down my guard that way. Someone told me last week that I seem to always appear capable and confident. We were talking about my need to get organized since I have a lot going on right now between grad school, my day job, and the addition of speech team coach. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to avoid tackling anything. I usually am confident in my abilities and I want to project that. But sometimes things get a little overwhelming. And I get tired. And its really nice to have people with whom I don’t have to pretend. I’m grateful tonight for people I can be silly and weird with. It makes the normal times much easier to maintain.

July 15

So last night I discovered that the project of my daughters bedroom redo wasn’t going as smoothly as I had thought. I should have known better. There’s a particular portion I’ve been building and when I went to assemble things, it didn’t go so well. I don’t want to say what it is in case she’s reading my blog (highly doubtful but she’s been trying to get info out of me the past couple of days) but suffice it to say, it’s a rather central item. Now I measured things more than twice before I cut, but what I didn’t do correctly was account for the width of the wood when adding measurements of all key pieces. Thankfully, I ended up with some pieces too long instead of too short and was able to salvage the project. Of course that doesn’t mean all went well today. I found myself doing dumb stuff like screwing things together backwards and hanging things upside down. But I kept it together–no throwing items or getting too upset. And I called in some extra hands when lifting awkward items became necessary (thank you, boyfriend!). I’ve learned over the many years of home projecting that it doesn’t do a lot of good to continue working when I get frustrated. It’s much easier to take a break and return refreshed. So after making the necessary adjustments, that is what I did tonight. And I’m grateful I have another day to pull it all together.

Feb 25

It was a frustrating day overall. Do you ever have those times where you feel mired down in mediocrity? Where things are just eh but you know they could and should be so much better? I was at that point on several levels today. At work, with my class, with myself. For some reason, I feel stalled. Of course, at this point, I figure I can blame pretty much everything on the never ending winter, so ultimately that’s what I decided to do. I’ll move beyond this humdrum once temperatures rise about 30 degrees and my motivation returns. In the meantime, I did what most girls would do, I whined to my friends. And I really hate whining…even from myself. I try not to do it that often, and when I do, I give myself a short timeframe to get it out. Thankfully, I have some pretty awesome friends. They gave me a good mixture of awww…I totally understand and yeah, you’ll get over it. I appreciate the doses of reality the most because sitting in crap forever just stinks. While I think it’s natural and necessary sometimes to sit in the muck of life, I don’t think it’s good to set up house there. I like to get out of it as soon as possible, so I respond pretty well to a proverbial slap. I’m glad the frustration I felt today isn’t a daily occurrence and that I have friends who care enough to make sure of it.

Feb 4

It was a difficult class tonight. It felt frustrating and unproductive. Maybe the winter is beginning to weigh on everyone because there seems to be little energy left in my students. And in me, if I’m honest. It reminded me of something I had written a few years ago that still seems to apply. I’m always thankful for being able to lose myself in writing.

it seems like
every year they get worse
come late
leave early
skip at least once a week
even when they show up
they’re not really there
it’s just luke-warm bodies
sitting glassy-eyed toward the back
of the room

most days I’d like to skip
myself give in to the defeat
protect the mythical reverence
I still hold for the beauty
of writing
even on the best of days
they don’t really get it
there’s no passion developing
no sense of urgency of needing
to know
apparently the future doesn’t
exist in any rational form

in their futures someone else
does the thinking

on those days I feel like a mime
explaining to the silence
that words really great words
can taste amazing
on the tongue

yet they refuse to taste
and every year I try harder
every year they remain
the same