June 10

Today, once again, I’m thankful for words and inspiration from unusual places.

sometimes
love comes
imperceptibly
moving so slowly
we think its
not there
when all along
it was poised
like well-hung wood
pieces broken
and dangling
from branches
overhead
caught mid-fall
and waiting
for just the right
gentle blow
to send it
tumbling
down

March 26

To continue my appreciation and love of words, this sums up the bleak days of March:

grey days
fit stagnant like
an ancient sweatshirt
dull
life colored in monochromatic
blue-grey
hands on clocks tick
monotonous regularity
rise
eat
rest
labor in between
lung muscles too weak to yell
only breathe lightly
life could escape
through a large
sigh

March 25

I spent a lot of my free time today reviewing math problems for the GRE test I’m taking on Friday. While I feel like I am figuring out what I don’t know, I still can’t see how that knowledge is making a difference with my sample tests. I’m still not scoring very well. By the end of the day my eyes actually hurt. And my brain was mush. I’ve definitely been straining it by trying to learn all math from whole number basics to statistics in the last month. It’s starting to fight back.

I do think this math review has been interesting in a couple of ways. While I’m actually a logical thinker for the most part, I am not naturally gifted in “math” logic. I don’t automatically understand how to set up equations. I don’t automatically see how many cubes with sides of 2 can come from a larger cube with sides of 6. And yet, I’m confident that I can figure out a real-life problem by breaking it down and working through it systematically or logically. And I can visualize my space at home and know how furniture can fit. And I am a savvy shopper who understands how to compare sales and the return on investments. Therefore, I honestly think I understand the conceptual thinking that it takes to do math. That must mean I simply don’t always understand the language, so with enough time and practice, that’s learnable. And I do like language. That I enjoy. However, I have to admit that all this math review has confirmed how much I enjoy working with words instead of numbers.The competitive side of me says that maybe I should work on this even after the test and prove that I can do it. While I believe in being well-rounded and strive to have a better grasp of math, it’s not where my heart lies. I don’t need to become a mathematician. I think that’s important to embrace. And if words and writing is where my joy comes from, then it’s also something I need to cultivate. I’ve been blogging, but I haven’t been doing much other writing. I need to find the time for that. I’m glad today for that reminder.

March 1

I’m consistently reminded of how easy it is to misread other people’s actions and assign meaning to things that maybe have nothing to do with us. It’s been an emotional week for me for some reason. Well, for reasons I know but am reluctant to admit to the world. Just know it has something to do with feeling unsettled and unsure. I know, that’s life sometimes. However, I’ve been a bit sensitive as well to words and actions that maybe didn’t require as much of a reaction from me. Isn’t it interesting how our insecurities can be magnified by what is out of our control? And how sometimes hurts we have experienced in the past can creep into the present in ways that should have no apparent meaning? In statistics its correlation is not causation. Logic likes to use the word “imply.” Correlation does not imply causation. Basically the premise is that things that may seem to be in relationship to each other, may simply be a matter of coincidence.

I’m finding that letting go of past hurts isn’t the easiest of tasks. Of course, there are some things that are long gone…and for me it’s the big stuff. For me the big items are the easiest to get rid of. Most people don’t intend to cause major hurts or disruptions to their lives or the lives of someone else. The hardest things to let go of are the seemingly small things. The ways we’ve felt slighted and made to feel insignificant. The dismissive way we were treated or the disregard we were given by people who played an important role in our lives. It’s true what they say about the power or words. Words can hurt. Deeply. And sometimes the lack of certain words can also cause holes.

I was joking with someone tonight about the many lives I’ve lived, but it’s very true. I feel like I’ve lived through so much and come a long way to be at the place I am. And where I am is a good place. I’ve overcome a lot of obstacles and hurdles and feel like I’m a much wiser person for the lives I’ve lived. But I have a few scars that needs softening. Those I’m still working on. I’m glad to be reminded today that not every word means the same thing coming out of every mouth. People are different. Every person deserves to be held accountable for their own actions and not held up to the scrutiny of the people who came before them. Our past affects our present, but it doesn’t always inform it. Because something seems familiar emotionally doesn’t mean it’s the same thing in reality. Sometimes it’s only our reaction that is the same. We need to learn the difference or risk losing what doesn’t need to be lost. I’m figuring that out, and that’s a good thing.