August 1

Wow. I can’t believe it’s August already. This is day 213…we are well over half way through this year. Soon school will start for everyone and fall will be upon us. As much as I love the fall trees and apple cider and cool evenings, I am not ready for it. Not at all. I still need a vacation (not happening) and I still have a house that isn’t fully painted (can that wait until next summer??). And besides, this summer has been so abnormally cool that it hasn’t even seemed like a summer. Doesn’t it sometimes feel like time is a falling star? Just as you see it moving, it’s gone. It’s been that way for me lately. (Ok, outside of the static zone of my office at work.) My days just vanish. And yet I feel like I haven’t moved. Those of you who follow my blog can probably guess how much that bothers me. I need to feel progress; I get anxious without it. I keep trying to live in the moment and not worry about the future, but it’s like fighting gray hair. Uneasiness keeps creeping back. So this week was actually another tough one for me. Too many nettlesome thoughts noodling around in my head. I know my puppy sleep deprivation hasn’t helped. And I know that will eventually get better. So I’m hanging on and waiting for this to pass and trying not to make hasty decisions on things. In the meantime, I’m thankful tonight for the few girlfriends who’ve been my sounding board this week. And my mom who always checks in on me but also made my sister check in on me. That made me laugh, but it was sweet.

Feb 20

It’s hard to write tonight. I have a bit of heaviness hanging around me, and I’m not referring to my weight, unfortunately. I’m the type of person who usually goes all in on things that matter to me, and I haven’t been able to do that lately. There are some unknowns I’m dealing with and I’m not always good with what I have no control over.  These particular unknowns will have a direct effect on me at some point when they’re worked out, but I’m realizing that they’re affecting me in subtle ways already. I’m feeling small again. As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m the type of person who needs to feel as if I’m heading in the right direction. I’m uneasy without a destination, even if it’s not crystal clear. I know–it’s supposed to be about the journey. After all, I guess the final destination in life is death. And…yeah…not really shooting for that one. But sometimes the journey seems a bit of a wander, like it does today.  And if you’re wandering for too long, you can get lost and end up somewhere you wish you weren’t.

It’s times like this when I try to think about what I’m learning or I’m supposed to learn from the uneasiness I’m feeling. I am a true believer in that process. Even the most painful times have some significance, and I don’t think it’s always for me and the direct improvement of my life. Sometimes my hard moments may be for the betterment of someone else important in my life. If so, then I’m ok with that too. So I’ve been reminding myself that things will become clear again soon enough. Again, I need patience.  I think the hardest thing sometimes is the yearning for how we want something to be and thus mourning what it isn’t. In doing so, we miss the ways we could be enjoying it for what it is. Nothing lasts forever–not the bad and also not the good. My current situation won’t last forever either.  Maybe I can afford to surrender some time to being aimless. Because maybe the wandering isn’t a digression. Maybe instead I’ll find a better path to travel.