This morning I felt like I needed a mental health day. Ever have one of those moments when you just need to not think anymore? But I’ve been trying not to take time off work for anything outside of chemo treatments or long doctor’s appointments, so I sucked it up and got to work.
The day was fine. Work got done. I was happy for some sunshine and steady emails. And this evening after working on a craft for a bit, I decided to indulge in a face mask to relax. One up side to not having hair is that it’s much easier to administer beauty treatments!
It felt good to pamper myself a bit. It was a little of the mental health break I needed this morning, and I’m thankful for that.
Since I can’t go into stores these days, Patrick has been doing the shopping, planning around peak times and trying to shop only occasionally. But sometimes there are items we forget. Today I placed an order at Target and because they bring the items right out to the car, masked up, and place them in the trunk, I was able to get out of the house.
It dawned on me as I was driving back home that it was still light out at 5:00 pm. The sun was setting and it was actually quite lovely reflecting on the new snowfall.
My picture doesn’t quite capture how nice it looked. I’m thankful for the added light to the evening. Not only does it make me feel a bit more motivated after work, but it also means our gray winter days are eventually numbered.
I’m not going to lie, today was a crappy day. It started with an unexpected email and went downhill from there. Bad news upon bad news—not all mine, but news from friends that was really awful. And the actual news? I don’t even want to go there. Why do some days just pile it on??
It’s days like this that make me want to give in to my pessimistic side. But then I remember that finding gratitude doesn’t mean faking happiness. It means finding something in the darkness to keep holding onto so hope doesn’t completely disappear.
Today, I had a conversation with my genetic counselor and thankfully, all the important genetic markers came back negative for cancer. While I don’t seem to have a genetic risk for breast or other cancers, I do have an increase risk that cancer could reoccur in my other breast simply because of my family history. Our conversation confirmed my choice to have a bi-lateral mastectomy instead of removing only one side. It was good to have that affirmed.
I was also thankful today for a small gesture from Patrick. Before I started chemo, he cleared out a shelf in one of our kitchen cabinets and stocked it with items we thought I might like if I was feeling lousy—some Mac’ n cheese cups, hot chocolate, jello, canned green beans (weird, but I like them) and a few other things. And since my taste has changed, he’s been very conscious about trying to find foods that will work for me. When he did a quick shopping trip today, he sent me pictures of things I may like so I could let him know what to buy. He even brought home a container of animal crackers, which I love!
While it’s been difficult today, I know it’s just a bad day out of many days. I’m grateful for a bit of good news and a thoughtful husband. And I hope I was a good friend to those who needed one today.
Over the last few days, my mouth has felt slightly numb, and it’s become obvious that my taste has changed. They talk about developing a metallic taste from chemo, but I can’t say that’s what I’m noticing. It’s just that things taste off or don’t taste as good as I expect. It’s a bummer. Even my beloved popsicles are bland.
Today, one of my most established friends (I hate saying oldest but we did meet in grade school!) had dinner delivered to us from a local Italian restaurant. It was a much appreciated gift, and amazingly, the lasagna tasted like lasagna! Maybe Italian will be my new go-to.
What was even better was that Patrick also appreciated the break from cooking, as much as he likes to cook. He joked that he now knew how it felt just to sit down to a meal already made, so I threatened to start cooking now that my taste wasn’t right. We both know that won’t happen. He really does love cooking too much.
Hopefully, this change in taste won’t last forever. But I’m thankful today for my friend’s gift of dinner and the enjoyment we got from it.
My oldest daughter, Brianna, has Covid. Luckily she’s only experiencing mild flu-like symptoms and fatigue. However, she has roommates so she’s quarantined to her bedroom for a while. We talked earlier today about how difficult it is to stay confined to one spot. For her, it means no access to the kitchen and she’s relying on the others to bring her meals. Thankfully, she has her own bathroom and tv. However, we agreed that it often gets boring without a change of scenery.
I read this today in one of my daily quote books. It was a good reminder that we do choose our happiness in every moment, even the difficult ones. I’ve said it before and it’s true again today, I’m thankful to have a home that’s comfortable. I’m also grateful to have a space that’s all mine.
Small view into my craft room
When my kids moved out, we repurposed their rooms. One became a guest room and the other became my craft room. I’ve redecorated it several times, and I suspect I may rearrange or redecorate it more before I’m done. But right now I’m satisfied with it. It makes me happy to hang out in and work on my latest project. This room is different than the rustic, neutral look of the rest of the house. I have a thing for skeletons, so you’ll notice them around the space. I think it comes from my appreciation of things gothic and quirky, and it’s enough to have it confined to my craft room. I’ve also filled it with items that are memories for me—cards from my kids, photos, drawings, gifts from friends, and tidbits that are inspirational.
So when, like my daughter, I find myself a bit bored from quarantining, I head to my room and work on something, thankful again for my own space.
Today, I’m thankful for the small, every day things. When chemo fatigue gets heavy, it’s nice to settle into the normal. A typical work day. A FaceTime chat with my mom and sisters. A simple dinner and cuddling on the sofa with my pups.
Today was the day. I shaved my head. Or more accurately, Patrick shaved my head. I’ve actually been losing my hair over the last several days, but I refused to shave it prior to my second chemo treatment. I was told it was after the second one that I would most likely lose it, so I was disappointed when I noticed it earlier. I was keeping it through the second treatment out of principle.
First off let me say that losing your hair is difficult to describe. It’s weird. I thought I was prepared but I’m not sure anyone really is. Running my fingers through my hair resulted in a fistful of strands. Eventually, I’d notice hair hanging lower than others and if I tugged on it, it would pull out in clumps.
And brushing?! Holy cow. I could make small animals with what came out. This was from one gentle brushing yesterday.
Yikes!
Today I couldn’t wait any longer. I felt like PigPen and his dust cloud only mine was a cloud of fallen hair everywhere. On my clothes, on my desk, in every plate of food. It was time to get rid of it.
Am I ready?
I turned on All American Girl by Melissa Etheridge which felt fitting for the moment as well as the day and Patrick got started. This is another thing I can honestly say I never expected to be doing, but here we are.
I actually thought it would be funny to let it fall out naturally just to send funny progression photos to my family. If you met my family, you’ll understand. We all enjoy a good laugh, especially at each other’s expense. Which may sound mean, but my family is also fiercely protective of each other when necessary, so it’s a good balance. If my scalp didn’t hurt from the hair pulling, the slow fallout may have happened. The photo album would have been epic too because I’m pretty sure one side was losing it faster than the other. I already had one bald spot on the top.
Who wore it better?!
To stand in solidarity, Patrick asked me to shave his head too. It was such a sweet gesture, and I can’t even adequately express how much it means to me. I’m blessed to have him on my side. Losing my hair isn’t easy, but I’m thankful today to have this milestone over. It’s just hair and it will grow back one day. In the meantime, I get to play with wigs and hats and scarves. Fun!
We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. —Martin Luther King, Jr.
This quote seems every bit as relevant today as it did when it was spoken in 1964. I’m grateful today for the brave men and women who speak up for others and do what’s necessary and right for all people at the risk of their own lives. They seem to be more and more rare.
However, regardless of what the news constantly shows, I believe there are plenty of people who want to live in harmony. During what seems like an insurmountable divide in our country right now, I interact with people daily who know how to be decent and respectful to others, even when they don’t agree. The examples may not be as memorable or grand, but I believe it’s not insignificant. We can personally make a difference in our own interactions. I’m also thankful for that.
As part of a Christmas gift, someone gave me a box of these inspirational cards. I flip through them every once in a while and this one stood out to me because I feel like I had a moment like this today.
Our two dogs are a lot like small children in the house. They get bored periodically and start getting snippy with each other or with us. They drag their toys around the living room and fight over the same bones. Usually around late afternoon, I can tell that they need to release some energy. Mind you, they have a doggie door and a large, fenced back yard which they run out into throughout the day, mostly to bark at some poor neighbor trying to walk past our fence. Yet they still seem to need some interaction. Probably because we aren’t walking them around the neighborhood during the winter like we do during the warmer months.
So I started going out into the back yard with them. It’s amazing how excited they get when they see me grab my snow boots. They have complete and total access to the backyard 24/7, but for some reason, they love it when I (or we) go out with them. Usually, it prompts them to start a game of chase where they run after each other around the yard. And sometimes, like today, we just walk to the back fence and stand under the trees together.
I’m sure our neighbors think we’re weird, but I don’t care. Most days it helps the dogs lounge easier all evening, having worn themselves out a bit. And it makes me feel good to know how much they love it.
Today, as I stood in the backyard with my pups, we all looked up at the trees and breathed in the cool, fresh air when it started softly snowing. I looked back at our house, and I thought, I’m really happy to be in this moment. Like the saying on the card, I felt truly grateful for what I have.
melissagratitude 