It’s been a long year. Somehow I suspect a lot of people would agree with me. I need more gratitude in my life–and I especially need to look actively for it again. Today, I’m thankful for a warm house during bitter cold weather, for celebrating the holidays with family, for safe travels, and for having my daughter home from school for a little bit. I’m also grateful for spontaneous coffee breaks with good friends and for ringing in the new year with Patrick.
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Vacation
We recently took what I deem a proper vacation–no visiting family or ulterior motive outside of relaxing and recharging. It was heavenly. A whole week devoted to sunshine, good food and beautiful ocean views. We went on a cruise.
We worried about being stranded aboard a floating hotel with thousands of other people. After all, neither of us are particularly fond of crowds. Or waiting in lines. Or being forced to make small talk with strangers. I had been told by more than one friend ahead of time that her husband especially disliked the cruise they went on. However, we weighed some options and decided to go for it. We had a blast.
I am so grateful that we have the lifestyle that affords us such a luxury. Sure, it means we have to live a little frugally for a while to rebuild some savings, but I’m keenly aware that we are blessed to have expendable money. One stop in a port location gave us a glimpse of how many others don’t have the resources we do. It’s so easy to be lulled into believing that we deserve the things we want when in reality, we are lucky to have the things we need.
Plans
I remember when I was a kid, I always had big plans. I was interested in so much. I wanted to do so much. And be so many things. But I didn’t just want to be an ice skater, I wanted to be an Olympic ice skater. (Although I never even took lessons.) I didn’t just want to be a singer, I wanted to be a famous singer. (Even though I took lessons, that was never gonna happen.) I didn’t just want to write, I wanted to publish books. (Does an instructor’s manual count?) The point is, when I wanted to do something, I envisioned myself shooting straight to the top, going all out, being the best. Call it confidence or naivete, I never considered myself falling short. Because I never just wanted to try a little bit. Even if I eventually (or quickly) lost interest, I didn’t doubt that I could be successful at whatever I wanted to achieve.
That assurance faded over the years as reality surfaced. The truth can set you free, but it can also dispirit. Success is not a given and that disappointment can be quelling.
I recently talked to a friend who has taken up writing. She spends a lot of time on it. Goes to conferences, works with a mentor, writes and rewrites. The hours she spends on it doesn’t seem laborious for she finds joy in the process. Her newfound passion reminded me of my own big plans because I think she still holds the key we so often lose as we get older. It’s really not the final outcome that matters the most, but how much we enjoy the process. I think maturity is a binary opposition, helping us weed out the childish nonsense but often forcing us to lose the child we were.
I’m thankful for the reminder, especially now. Lately, everything has seemed a bit tedious. Everything seems like work because work has taken a central spot in my life. And it’s been a tumultuous spot. While I can’t define it as unsuccessful, it still seems like it’s falling short. Disappointing for reasons outside my control. I need to get back to big thinking, knowing that the final outcome won’t matter. I need to change focus and find some joy in the doing. Of something.
Weekend
For a weekend that was supposed to be filled with rain, it turned out not too bad. Intermittent rain, yes. But not the constant downpour I was expecting. For that reason, my house wasn’t a muddy dog printed mess. Yay! And, I was able to sleep in a bit which has been unheard of lately. Of course, sleeping in for me is anything past 6:30. Sunday morning, after Patrick fed the dogs, they jumped back into bed with me. Usually, they curl up at the foot of the bed and take all my leg room. However, this time, Chance lay down at my back and when I turned my head, there his nose was. The little minx had his head on my pillow–a big nope for me. But he looked so cute, I let him stay there…
While I didn’t do anything especially different or fun, I’m still grateful for the weekend. I was able to get some errands done and have some down time. Just what weekends are for.
Wow
What a year. Well, almost a year. It’s amazing how quickly getting off the daily gratitude train can turn into disaster. Right now life seems to be chaos because work issues have taken a strong hold both on the job and at home. True to human nature, my focus shifted to the problems instead of the joys, and now everything seems too bleak again. It’s the issues that have begun to dominate conversations and thoughts and actions. So here I am, forcing myself to refocus and search for the positives that will help nurture my weakened spirit.
When I reflect back on the past months, I’m grateful for some large items:
I graduated with my Masters in Speech Communication and I maintained a 4.0 gpa. Yay!
I was promoted at the college to a Dean position, which has been a great learning and growing experience thus far.
We took a fantastic road trip to New York City where we basically ate our way through town.
I’ve been teaching again, which is something I really missed.
My kids are both doing great in school and in life. Everyone has been safe and healthy for another year.
I’m also grateful for the small things:
Spring–the days are longer and the sun has been out more often!
I’m finally getting over my head cold.
I get to see all of my sisters in May.
Spring Break is next week.
Did I mention sunshine?
Patrick’s birthday
I love birthdays, probably because I like celebrations. I like carefully chosen presents and special dinners. Balloons and cake. But mostly I love that birthdays remind us that people we love shouldn’t be taken for granted, and so we celebrate that they’ve been with us another year.
Today is Patrick’s birthday, and to him, birthdays are just another day. He couldn’t care less about a celebration. In fact, one year he insisted that all he wanted was to be left alone to work on his house. So like any good girlfriend, I ignored him and showed up at his door with a present and a slice of cake. It took a lot of will power not to bring a balloon, but I didn’t want to push my luck. After all, I had promised not to do anything.
This year, regardless of his party pooper attitude, I celebrate the fact that he’s been in my life another year. Yes, he’s a bit of a curmudgeon. Yes, he’s often antisocial and snarky. But he’s also one of the best people I know. Generous. Intelligent. Fun. He makes me laugh with his sarcasm and wit. He makes me feel safe with his dedication and honesty. He’s been accepting of my quirks, my horde of shoes (most of the time), my crazy family, and my general silliness. And when I’m feeling my lowest, he’s supportive and compassionate; I know that he always has my back.
Our life together may be low key, but it’s never dull. He’s challenging, interesting, competitive, and curious. Sometimes he pushes my buttons, but he also pushes me to grow. I know I’m a better person with him. So today, I’m extra thankful that I can celebrate another year, and I hope there’s many, many more birthdays to come.
Small Things
This month has been a long one filled with more work angst and worry. It’s hard to stay upbeat while working at a college in a state that has eliminated funding for higher ed because of politics. It’s gotten to the point that some colleges and universities are talking about closing their doors. Students are transferring out of the state for fear that their institution may not be there next year. The thinking behind the state budget impasse is crazy to me because the effects are going to be devastating. It’s counter intuitive to what government officials should want. Colleges closing their doors creates not only a larger unemployed work force but a larger amount of uneducated people. Add to that the amount of people choosing to leave the state altogether. None of which is going to help prosper an economy. I simply cannot wrap my head around it. Some days, I want to bail myself. Convince my boyfriend to move somewhere else. Other days my dedication to this place where I work kicks in and I want to weather the storm, believing that better times are coming. It’s been a long month.
That’s why I keep looking for the small things that make me smile. Homemade ice cream. The unexpected 80 degree day. Puppy hugs. Silly Snapchats. We’ve also been re-watching The West Wing lately. I love that in the midst of all the politics, the characters on the show are genuinely striving to do good. We just got to the point where President Bartlet is censured by Congress for hiding his health issues. He accepts it because, as he tells his Chief of Staff, he was wrong and he deserved it. I want to believe that there are still people working in our governments, local-state-national, that are like that. That accept blame and don’t shrink from responsibility. I want to believe that somewhere in the midst of this strange and unsettling political time we’re in that the characters of The West Wing are out there working to make things better.
April Showers
I’m convinced that Spring is broken. While a rainy April isn’t unusual, the rain around here has been more like sleet, with intermittent bouts of snow showers. One day we started with snow; then it warmed up so the snow melted and the sun came out; then it snowed again before the sun came back out. Spring needs medication.
Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It’s strange. We didn’t live in the same town, so NOT seeing him isn’t the weird part. It’s when I remember that I won’t see him again. That he isn’t at home with my mom, sitting in his recliner with a dog on his lap. That he isn’t somewhere laughing at his own jokes or arguing with the tv. That he isn’t just a call away if I needed him. Not that we talked on the phone much. He didn’t like it. If he ever answered the phone, we knew mom wasn’t available, and he’d start the call with, “sorry, honey, but your mom’s not home.” Or if it was his birthday or Father’s Day, he’d talk for a minute and then say, “ok, here’s your mom,” even if we didn’t ask to talk to her. It was kind of funny, actually, and kind of endearing. He just assumed mom trumped him when it came to conversation. But if we were in trouble or needed something, he would be there. And that was comforting to know. It doesn’t matter how old you get; you still feel like a kid around your parents. If they’re around, you know someone always has your back. I’m glad my mom has been doing well on her own, but I know she misses him. She said it’s hardest at night. I get that. Heartaches weigh heaviest in the darkness.
I’m thankful for the dulling effects of time. How it makes us get used to life’s voids. How it presses on relentlessly, sometimes dragging us along, sometimes pushing us forward. It’s good to keep going. Spring is reminder of how crazy life can be. Warm and cold, dark and light, often all at once. And yet somehow the flowers come through.
Early March
It’s national pound cake day. And grammar day. And four other “national” days. Did you know that pretty much every day is a national something day? Check it out: http://www.nationaldaycalendar.com/
I like the idea of finding something to celebrate every day because I like looking forward to things. There are not enough celebrations in life. I am looking forward to the weekend; we are going to a beer festival in Madison, WI with a bunch of friends. It’s not the drinking of beer as much as the getting away that I’m itching for. Well, that and the fact that we haven’t spent much time with our friends this winter. Since math dinner crew disbanded and Patrick’s closest friend moved to a different state, we’ve spent most of our time huddled in front of the tv at home, binge watching one show or another. These days it’s Battlestar Galactica and we’re almost finished. But at the end of winter I’m always feeling antsy to move beyond the walls of home, so I’m grateful for a quick excursion.
Snow. Again.
I’m tired of winter. It snowed again today, and I’m just ready for it to go even though it hasn’t been a bad winter, considering. We’ve had nominal snowfall and not too frigid temperatures. We’ve only shoveled half a dozen times at most. But I’m craving Spring… the sunshine, the new plants, the longer days. I want to go outside unfettered by a heavy coat and boots. I keep reminding myself that we’re almost there. March is coming.
In the meantime, I’ve been grateful for some things. My current grad class is interesting. The Walking Dead started a new season. The cat hasn’t been waking me up in the middle of the night lately. My last car repair only cost me $16. I got to share another Valentine’s Day with Patrick. Our new ice cream machine works great. And Bree makes me laugh.
melissagratitude 