After feeling how cold my kitchen floor was this morning, I’m thankful for getting the doggie door weather proofed today. I’m hoping to stall turning on the furnace a little longer. After all, 62 degrees is bearable with an extra layer and socks. I’m also thankful for chili, and a hops festival at a local brewing company, for amazing cheese curds, another new episode of Dr. Who, for warm hugs, and for chatting with my mom.
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October 3
Today was the first day in a while that I actually felt relaxed. I didn’t stress over the homework I need to finish or the housework or the dog or what plans I had or didn’t have for the weekend. Of course, all of those things were on my mind, but I didn’t have the familiar knot in my stomach that I’ve had for the last six weeks. Whatever the reason, it was a nice break. I’m thankful for that and for the lovely evening tonight that included a vacuum demonstration, puppy play time, a Dr. Who repeat, Chinese take out and time cleaning up the piles of papers in my office. I’m actually using my office computer tonight for the first time in weeks. I hope tomorrow follows in similar fashion.
October 2
This morning a friend and I had a conversation about the differences between men and women in the biology of attraction. She had read about a study that claimed all men, regardless of age, “fantasize” about women in their 20s, while women typically “prefer” men their age or older. Now, one of the graduate classes I’m in is about research methods, so I immediately had an issue with how the article summarized the study, specifically the word choices and how it glossed over the actual facts in lieu of insinuating that all men are horny for young, nubile women. Because, you know, we don’t hear about that enough. In reality, the main point of the study was that both men and women are hardwired, biologically speaking, to be attracted to the age group that makes the most sense for procreating. For that purpose, men need mates who are most fertile (those in their 20s) while women need someone who can help raise offspring (not usually 20 year old men). Why we needed another study to confirm this is a different question altogether. The thing that bothered me was the effect of this article. It made my friend, who is dating a younger guy, question her own attractiveness. And not just in general, but to him. The crazy thing is that it wasn’t the first time this week that I’ve come across this issue. I watched a video the other day on Upworthy where a very attractive woman in her 60s talked about the time her boyfriend who was 5 years younger than she refused to take her to a restaurant because he was embarrassed to be seen with her in public. She was too old. Maybe he imagined himself with a 20 year old.
This isn’t a new thing. This constant worry about attractiveness. We are still fighting media pressure on getting or remaining attractive (and young) to a degree that’s ridiculous. I admit to having felt insecure some days myself, especially since I, too, am dating a guy who is younger than I am. But then reality sets in. We can’t all stay 20 something forever. And it angers me to be made to feel that aging is some kind of sin. That at some point, I will cross a threshold where I am no longer desirable or attractive. That implies that who I am is completely dependent on the way I look. Thus, I should spend a lot of time worrying about it. Well, I refuse to. I’ve already wasted too much time doing that. Instead, I trust that my relationship with my guy is based on more than looks. That the attraction is based on more than something physical, as good relationships are. Any doubt beyond that, I have to simply let go. Thankfully.
October 1
I can’t believe it’s October already. A friend of mine posted on Facebook today that there is only a month left before he will start putting up Christmas decorations. I almost unfriended him. I’m still clinging to the last shreds of summer. It seems like just a few days ago that I put my winter clothes away. (It really was just a little bit ago. I am so behind on stuff.) And just like in the spring, I feel the need to organize for fall. Maybe it’s because I’m spending less time outside now and more time inside, looking at the clutter that abounds. Granted, some of it is because we are still keeping items out of the dog’s reach, so things tend to pile up. Although he’s getting a bit better about staying out of things, at least while we are around. (When we aren’t he still tends to bring things in and out of the doggie door. Sticks and burnt log remains from the fire pit end up inside while shoes and toys and clothing go out.)
It’s this time of year that I realize I have too much stuff. I really should go through rooms with a box and start collecting items I think I can live without and store the box in the basement for a while. If I don’t miss anything, then the box can go. I know I also need to organize better. I’d be happier if my closets and cupboards and laundry room were streamlined and efficient. But there’s something about October and Fall that makes the time speed up like the fast forward button on the DVR. You know when you can still follow what’s happening, but feel like you’re not quite getting the full story? That’s where I’m at. Looking towards the end of the year with too many items left on my to-do list. We have only 91 days left in the year, my friends. That’s 91 days to finish the resolutions you may have set for yourself. And within those days are holidays that also seem to speed up time.
It’s easy for me to get lost in the busy. So out of curiosity, I looked back in my journal from this time last year and reminded myself of how much I’ve accomplished since then. We may have only 91 days left, but that means we’ve had 274 days already this year. And for me, those days have been rather productive. I may feel like I have a lot left to do, but none of it is an absolute. Well, outside of working and studying and breathing. Maybe eating and drinking a bit. And talking to my mom regularly because, you know, moms. So I’m not stressing. I’ll do what I can feasibly do and the rest will wait. I and my messy house will survive. I’m thankful for the perspective.
September 30
I’m thankful for the peaceful house which is mostly due to this:
September 29
Today is National Coffee Day. I could end this post right now, but I’ll elaborate. Coffee and I have a thing going on. It’s a simpatico relationship, unmarred by addiction. I started drinking coffee as a teenager, but didn’t go through the phases of tolerance that a lot of people do, much like learning to enjoy good wine–starting with Riesling and working the way toward a nice Cabernet. I didn’t have to douse my coffee with copious amounts of cream and sugar and then start backing off. No, I started full strength, black. And that’s how I still prefer it. I will occasionally order a Cafe Latte, no sugar or special flavors, just the steamed milk. If I do branch out and order something ridiculous like a salted caramel mocha, it’s because I consider it a treat much like a dessert and I could feasibly have a black coffee on the side. Most people don’t believe me when I say I’m not addicted to the caffeine. Maybe I am, but I honestly can’t tell a physical difference when I drink it. And I’ll drink it off and on right up until bedtime some days. It doesn’t keep me awake. I don’t feel a physical need for it immediately upon waking. In fact I normally don’t have my first cup until I get to work. I have even gone entire days without having any and never experienced the headaches others complain about. Hard to believe, I know. Today I brewed some in my office (yes, I have a coffee pot on my desk) and several people commented about how wonderful it smells. Well, duh. It’s coffee. It’s wonderful in taste and smell. My love affair with coffee is based on just that. I love it. The taste, the smell, the warmth. I could live without it, but why? And today I’m thankful it has its own holiday.
September 28
My Sunday list:
Sleeping in a half hour longer.
A clean kitchen floor.
Biscuits and gravy.
Long puppy walks through pretty fall colors.
Feeling connected.
Dr. Who quotes.
Being there for a hurting friend.
Tacos.
Freshly washed sheets.
Septemeber 27
I mentioned in a previous post that this has been a long week. I’m used to stress; in fact, I can honestly say I haven’t had too many periods in my adult life I haven’t had some measure of it. But I think the older I get, the quicker it sometimes bothers me. This morning I found myself feeling resentful of it. And especially resentful of being alone in dealing with some of the stuff that’s causing it lately. My kids help out with some house stuff, but really, they don’t have the same stake in things that I have. This house is where they live, but it’s not theirs. They don’t lie awake at night worrying about getting the painting done or if the furnace is going to make it through the winter. They’ll do the dishes or clean the litter box because I ask. If I didn’t, they’d probably choose not to do it. And I’m sure I was the same way as a teenager. I had other things on my mind. They’ll only finally start looking at housework differently when it’s their own house. So this morning, I was a little emotional which means I start to over think on everything. I tried to shake it off and was mostly successful by the time my boyfriend and I went to an Octoberfest event during the afternoon. But then a bit later, on our way to a friend’s bonfire, he made a benign remark that I attached meaning to and once again, I was emotional. Now I’m not going to go into differences about how women and men operate because I think when our feelings are involved (and I do believe both men and women have feelings) it’s sometimes easy to over think. Or assume. Or over react when we’re overwhelmed. Maybe some of us more than others.
On the other hand, take my dad. He was an engineer and a very logical thinker. He didn’t tolerate emotional stuff well. He wasn’t a touchy feely, gee I really love you kind of guy. He also didn’t care what others thought of him, so he was very vocal in his opinions and in pointing out what he considered to be stupid behavior. I’m sure it’s no surprise when I say that as a teenager, I didn’t appreciate his personality. After all, it went against teenage drama, which is full of stupidity. However, as an adult, I can say that I’m thankful for his insistence on thinking logically. It helps me get back to center. As a friend of mine said recently, I am one of the most self-controlled people she knows. But, I’ll add in usually. Occasionally, like today, I let myself get caught up in how I’m feeling. But I mostly don’t stay there very long, especially if I can talk it through. Which I did later tonight with my boyfriend. Thankfully, he was a good sport about it and was supportive with how stressed I’ve been. That helped tremendously. I think I’m back on track.
September 26
Tonight in thankful for Friday, for puppy play time (finally!), for good almost spicy chicken, for another chapter of homework finished, and for de-stressing. It’s a good end to the week and a good start to the weekend.
September 25
It’s been a long, frustrating week overall. In fact, at math dinner tonight we discussed how we all had similar weeks and how tired we were. I planned to get home tonight, blog and go directly to bed. But my kids are gone and the animals needed attention. So I gave the cat some quick hugs and head rubs and planned to hang out with the dog while I wrote. However, when I sat down on the sofa with him, he grabbed a toy and plopped himself in my lap instead. I love when he’s sweet like that. He’s only recently started cuddling up next to me. Sometimes in the mornings I don’t need to rush off to work, I sit with him on “his” sofa and he lays his head in my lap or on my shoulder and goes back to sleep. It’s in those moments that I’m reassured that he is going to be a great companion–if we can survive these puppy months together. So after a rough week, I’m thankful for the pet sweetness that greeted me tonight. That was worth the small delay in bedtime.
melissagratitude 