Today I’m thankful for the following:
Finishing homework just in time.
Impromptu visit to the apple orchard and great apple pie.
Puppies who are becoming more manageable.
Pay day.
Perfect Fall weather.
Recognizing when I’m being overly emotional…
Adult conversations that follow.
…Being able to laugh at myself.
The story of the Prodigal Son.
Music that inspires me.
I’m thankful for an unexpected lunch date with my biological dad and his wife. It was the first time they’ve been to my place. While it was a short visit, it was meaningful. After all, they drove three hours to see me, have lunch, and drive the three hours back home. We obviously haven’t had a close relationship, and I’m grateful for this step toward changing that.
As a writer, I think I’m pretty good with communicating my ideas. I’m usually careful with word choice and wonder how what I say may be taken wrong or out of context. I try to imagine how others may respond so I can get a point across without being insulting or putting someone on the defensive. Usually, I’m good at it. Usually. When it comes to communicating my needs/wants/desires, I still fail miserably. I know it’s partly that I was taught to put others’ needs ahead of my own. I remember very clearly my dad asking me on more than one occasion if I thought I was better than anyone else. The answer was always no because any other answer was unthinkable. I’m not better than anyone else. This carried into my relationships, especially the 8 year one where everything between us was a competition that he had to win. I couldn’t be better than him at anything. Doing so would get retaliation in the form of thrown objects, swearing, or public humiliation. Trying to explain myself would begin an argument that somehow ended with me at fault and him saying, am I wrong? I became very adept at letting him win, until I finally got out. I thought I’d never let myself feel so small again. But I have. More often than I’d like to admit to myself or anyone else. It’s hard to be assertive for yourself when you’ve spent most of your life taking a back seat. But it’s also getting harder not to. I still don’t believe I’m necessarily better than anyone, but I think I’m just as good. And my needs, wants or desires matter just as much as anyone else’s. However, I was reminded tonight that I’m still terrible at being direct about it. There’s still something in me that whispers, but maybe that won’t be ok. Maybe they won’t want to do that. Maybe you just expect too much. Maybe you should just stay silent. After all, coming right out and saying what I really want seems selfish somehow. And it runs the risk of being rejected. It’s not at all comfortable for me, but neither is feeling unimportant, or dismissed, or ridiculous. So I’m thankful for the reminder that I still have some work to do in this area. It should be interesting.
Fall has come and apparently gone already. It was cold today. Colder than the supposed high of 61 that was predicted yesterday. The couple times I was in my car it was never higher than 54 degrees. Yet I just moved the plastic tote of my sweaters and winter clothes to the basement last week–because I finally got my closet organized for the summer. And this morning I was searching for a long sleeved shirt. How did this happen?? How am I always one step behind lately? It seems like everything is moving quicker than I can keep up. Every time I get one thing done, I’m reminded that I’m close to a deadline on something else. My classes. Bills. Dog vet visit. Car registration. Life has this way of just continuing on whether we are ready and keeping up or not. As I pondered how to manage the variety of things that were piling up today, I remembered the date. And how 13 years ago time stood still for a moment while our country was attacked by terrorists. And all of a sudden, fleeting time and looming deadlines didn’t seem quite so overwhelming. My problems are manageable, simple really. I’m lucky. And thankful for the perspective.
I’m grateful for cool evenings, laughter, chats with friends, impromptu dinner, and quick reading.
I’m a terrible dinner person when left to my own devices. My kids went out with friends so instead of making myself real food, I went to Lowe’s. Mostly because I hadn’t been there in forever and I was feeling what would equate to homesickness over the extended absence. And partly because I wasn’t sure what to eat so leaving the house postponed it. In front our Lowe’s is a recently built Chick-fil-A and I considered the drive-thru on my way past. The line was too long. So I enjoyed my time wandering through Lowe’s, reminding myself of things I forgot I needed, the items I already had and didn’t need regardless of tempting discounts, and thinking up future projects. Once I left, I was hungry and the line was still too long at Chick-fil-A. I made another quick stop on my way back home and then remembered I had a coupon in my purse for a free scoop of custard at Culvers. As luck would have it, my boyfriend texted me about then and I decided to share my sudden guilt over having dessert for dinner by peer pressuring him into having dessert too. It worked. Unfortunately neither of us loved my custard choices, so little of it got eaten. By the time I returned home, I resigned myself to dieting. I should lose a little weight anyway. However, the kids were home and had already set out the popcorn accoutrements and talked me into making some. Popcorn is my default food so it wasn’t a hard convince. I had a few handfuls, shared with the dog. I thought about adding some string cheese, struggled with the packaging, gave up, and grabbed a fig newton instead. So my entire dinner tonight: several spoonfuls of custard, a few handfuls of popcorn, a fig newton (ok, almost 2, but I gave the dog a bite) and some lemonade. Oh, and a handful of chocolate chips. I forgot about that. So I’m now certain on a couple of things: I’m an incredibly lazy cook and I’m thankful I’m not sick. If I ever win win the lottery, in addition to hiring a driver (I hate driving!) I’ll need to hire a personal chef.
This evening I went to the visitation of a retired professor from the college where I work. He taught psychology, and I actually took his class when I was a student there a lifetime ago. He was a guy who always wore a smile. His death was a bit unexpected, although he hadn’t been in the best of health in recent years. Apparently he died of cardiac arrest in his sleep and I hope his passing was quick and peaceful. That’s how I’d wish everyone could go…silently moving beyond this life and into what’s beyond without interruption. A friend, who also knew him as a teacher and his colleague, said he once told her he had been witness to the messy emotional events that are both the start and end of life (his children’s births and his wife’s death) and that we were lucky to have everything in between. How true. I’m thankful today for having crossed paths with this man and his wisdom and for the in-between I’m still experiencing.
Another Sunday recap:
Getting an extra hour and a half of sleep but still making it to church.
Leaving 2 dogs and a cat in the house alone without any catastrophes.
Going to the apple orchard and eating warm cider donuts.
Sitting on the deck with a pumpkin beer and new magazine.
Grilling burgers that were actually edible.
Getting to bed early.
Today I’m thankful for beer. And lots of it. I spent the day with a group of friends at our city’s annual Beer Festival. It was the first year I have gone but I’m thinking it could easily become a yearly must go. Lots of beer vendors, both well-establish and local, food from various restaurants, and a live band that was pretty good all in an area covering a few city blocks, so it was easy to get around. The weather was perfect today too. And my boyfriend was sweet enough to get us VIP tickets, which made the experience even better: lots of extras (t-shirt, nicer glass, bag to carry stuff) and an early entry with an extra hour of sampling. It was the beer equivalent to the speed pass at Great America. For someone who doesn’t like crowds, it was great to have time to check everything out without fighting through tons of people. By the time the place got packed, we were able to just wander and enjoy hanging out together. That was the best part–it was a fun group of friends and we ran into even more people we knew while we were there. We had some laughs, found some new craft beers we liked, ate fantastic oven pizza and were able to drive ourselves home. It was lovely day.
I am so thankful that I enjoy reading and that I’m pretty adept at it since my grad school classes involve a lot of reading. Today I was able to get most of the necessary assignments done and out of the way before the weekend. My goal is to start getting ahead of schedule now. We’ll see how that goes…
melissagratitude 