Some friends of mine bought their first house a couple of months ago and today they had a small gathering of friends and family over for a housewarming party. They’ve done a great job of getting themselves settled and are justly proud of their new home. It was fun to see their family members commenting about things and offering advice. Isn’t it humorous how veteran homeowners always want to share their knowledge, whether it’s solicited or not? I’m sure I’ve done the same thing myself. At any rate, it was a lovely time; perfect weather, good food, just the right amount of people to socialize but not be overwhelming. I’m thankful today not only to have been part of their celebration, but also to be counted as their friend. They’re people I’m very happy to have in my life.
August 1
Wow. I can’t believe it’s August already. This is day 213…we are well over half way through this year. Soon school will start for everyone and fall will be upon us. As much as I love the fall trees and apple cider and cool evenings, I am not ready for it. Not at all. I still need a vacation (not happening) and I still have a house that isn’t fully painted (can that wait until next summer??). And besides, this summer has been so abnormally cool that it hasn’t even seemed like a summer. Doesn’t it sometimes feel like time is a falling star? Just as you see it moving, it’s gone. It’s been that way for me lately. (Ok, outside of the static zone of my office at work.) My days just vanish. And yet I feel like I haven’t moved. Those of you who follow my blog can probably guess how much that bothers me. I need to feel progress; I get anxious without it. I keep trying to live in the moment and not worry about the future, but it’s like fighting gray hair. Uneasiness keeps creeping back. So this week was actually another tough one for me. Too many nettlesome thoughts noodling around in my head. I know my puppy sleep deprivation hasn’t helped. And I know that will eventually get better. So I’m hanging on and waiting for this to pass and trying not to make hasty decisions on things. In the meantime, I’m thankful tonight for the few girlfriends who’ve been my sounding board this week. And my mom who always checks in on me but also made my sister check in on me. That made me laugh, but it was sweet.
July 31
I’m thankful it’s bedtime. And the house is currently quiet.
July 30
There needs to be more time in the day after 5:00 pm. In the last week I’ve gotten on a completely different schedule and am now finding myself getting up earlier and earlier, and I don’t even have the dog to blame. Chance still doesn’t whine or bark in the night. My cat, however, thinks 5 am is time to wake up and attend to his needs. Out of guilt, I’ve been letting him sleep with me, something I don’t normally do. I don’t like the fact that he takes a bath at bedtime. Or purrs loudly in my ear. Or bites my hands when he wants to be petted. Usually, I shut my bedroom door at night, only now I have been keeping it open to hear the dog. Plus, the first couple of nights I tried to keep the normal routine, the cat sat outside pounding on my door and meowing loudly, in tones that sounded like I was being cussed out and yelled at. He wasn’t pleased with our new addition. Either I let him in and put up with his nocturnal bathing, or I locked him out and woke up to pounding. Ultimately, the bathing was less noxious. Given the state of affairs recently, I’m confident I will eventually be able to sleep alone again. The dog and cat have been sighted within inches of each other without incident. A hiss and a tail wag is the norm. At any rate, this morning I woke up at 4:30 with no one but myself to blame. I just woke up. And then had trouble getting back to sleep. I did, but only briefly before the alarm rang at 6:00. And the sleep was punctuated by strange dreams of bathing in a sink in front of a sliding glass door behind which was my entire extended family sitting on couches in what appeared to be my late grandmother’s living room. I’m not even sure what to say about that except I’m sure my day to day hassles are to blame. My kitchen sink sprung a leak yesterday, I’ve been trying to get the dog to go out of the sliding doors to the deck, I’ve been wishing my family lived closer. That’s what I tell myself anyway. So what am I thankful in all of this? Well, nothing as far as getting little sleep is concerned. Getting up earlier means I’m tired earlier, which means I have less time after work to get things done. I’m sure I’ll get used to the routine and maybe actually do more in the morning besides drink coffee and sit outside. I am thankful for a small break tonight though. My boyfriend invited me out for pizza and beer. No dogs. No house projects. No worries. That was really nice.
July 29
Summer classes are done. There are final exams, but for the most part, students are disappearing. My tutors are done working and a lot of them are leaving for good. Transferring to other schools or getting jobs. It’s always a bit bittersweet for me. A lot of them stopped by to say their last farewell. I got a huge bag of Skittles from one girl (they all know its my candy addiction). A couple of them gave me dog toys for Chance. I tell all of them to keep in touch, but usually only a few do. Some will friend me on Facebook and I will keep up to date on their lives that way. Many of my previous tutors are now married; a couple have had children. A few have married each other. I frequently get job reference requests and then hear about their new positions. Its fun to see them evolve. I feel a certain amount of pride in their successes. But I’m often struck by the contrast between how quickly their lives change while I go about the same business at the college year after year. Sometimes it makes me feel stagnant. I like my job, but I don’t want to be doing the exact same thing forever. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Henry David Thoreau: Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. I mentioned yesterday that I’m going to be busy this fall, but I am thankful that I’m still working on the song.
July 28
I had a lunch meeting today with a couple people to discuss one of my upcoming projects. We are going to revive a long-dormant forensics program at the college and yours truly will be the speech coach. I was on the speech team when I was in college, and since I’m starting my masters degree in speech this fall, it seemed like a good fit. The discussion today was productive. One of the men is generously planning to fund the seed money to get our program started. He has done well for himself financially and wants to give back to the college in this way. At one point, I laid out what I felt would be obstacles to getting a forensics program off the ground, which led to some interesting ideas on how to collaborate with the local high schools. By the end of our lunch I was both energized and daunted by the possibilities this project will bring. It’s an area I’m obviously interested in, and I’m excited by the idea of starting anew from the ground up. And the “investor” is a guy who is not only generous but well-connected in our community. It will be interesting to get outside involvement in the program. Yet he made it very clear that while he will help out however I need him to, he has no personal agenda outside of wanting to provide a way to involve students in leadership roles with potential scholarship opportunities. Basically, he gave me the reins and told me to let him know what the budget needs would be. I hope someday I’m in that kind of financial position. I left lunch with a hundred ideas going through my head. And came home to a puppy crated too long and a mess to clean up and immediately wondered what else I had gotten myself into. In a month I start classes myself and now have a forensics program to build, a day job to maintain, a puppy to potty train, a half-painted house to finish…Good thing I don’t have time to have people to my house a lot. I have the feeling the dust is going to build up. I’ve been able to talk myself out of panic mode lately (most of the time), which is a good thing. I know things will come together. They always do. The puppy will grow up. I’ll have one daughter back at home soon to help out. And for that I’m thankful.
July 27
What a beautiful day we ended up having here. Cool breezes and mostly sunshine. It was a nice way to wrap up the weekend. My list of thankfuls for today. (I guess things are a bit puppycentric lately):
Coffee on the deck with church service on the I pad and puppy at my feet.
Finally getting the front flower bed weeded and yard mowed.
Easily getting a whole patio set in the back of my car to deliver for my friends.
Having lunch with friends that included three free cookies.
Installing a doggie door and watching the puppy figure it out.
Finally getting people play time that included eating without hovering animals.
Chatting with my children–both on the phone and Snapchat.
Leaving the puppy uncaged for several hours and coming home to no accidents or broken items.
Drinking sangria with friends and watching the puppy try to get a Great Dane to play.
Baking zucchini bread and having warm pieces of it for dinner.
Puppy play time that ended without incident, including some face to face time with the cat.
July 26
I cannot accept Morpheus’s offer, for sweet dreams
are only for the unburdened. Those happy idiots
who know nothing of love and so can close their eyes
and imagine worlds shaded in color.
I’m sure you’re sleeping, and I’m only angry at myself
for lying awake in this black and white
world feeling the heaviness of you in the air
I breathe. If I had the strength I could shut myself
away from the shadows that surround me,
for each one bears your likeness and mocks me
from its corner with sweet words torn from
haunted conversations that involuntarily replay
in my mind. I long to sweep them away like cobwebs,
brush the silky strands away from my face
but I know if I reached out, they would simply recede
into the cold. No, I’m too tired for the fight
and too weary of the dreams that take me nowhere
but back, so I lie here, awake, wishing the night
would bury the dead.
Why does nighttime bring out the desire to over think? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lay awake pondering things that somehow, with the setting of the sun, became insurmountable issues. And I know I’m not the only one. My friends often complain about the same thing. But I’ve gotten better as I’ve become older about recognizing that my nocturnal obsessions may seem a lot more manageable in the morning. History as proven that to be the case quite often. Sometimes not, especially when the heart is involved. Yet, as painful as it has been and sometimes still is, I’ll always be thankful for a chance at love. I hope I’m never at the point of completely giving up.
July 25
My life has revolved around the puppy all week. It’s crazy how tired I am because of it. I had a moments this morning (thanks to 3 am potty barking from the dog, 5 am bedroom door pounding from the cat) when I had a twinges of what the hell have I done, my life was just fine. I was sincerely questioning my decision to add a puppy to the already growing list of things I need to manage. But then tonight he was so good when we went shopping at PetSmart. And when we went to play with my boyfriend’s puppy. For the first time, he was so tired that he fell asleep before bedtime. And once again, I was thankful I had him with me.
July 24
Tonight I’m thankful the puppy crate arrived. Bedtime was filled with a lot less drama.
melissagratitude 