I’m thankful I didn’t fall off the roof of my house today. I’m also thankful for my daughter’s help getting some of the painting done on the outside of the house. Despite the fact that things weren’t completely dried out, we painted anyway. I’m also grateful that the Thursday dinner crew agreed to meet at Old Chicago so I could finish my first beer mini-tour. And that afterwards, my MUV was called into service to help pick up a newly-purchased ladder at Lowe’s that couldn’t fit into my friends’ car. I love rescue missions. Once again, a pretty good day.
July 2
Today was supposed to be cool and sunny with a slight chance of rain so I took the day off to continue painting on my house. I had barely started when the sky clouded over. The slight chance of rain turned into an all-day drizzle. Which means things will be too wet to paint tomorrow as well. The good thing is that there are more days in the summer so I’ll eventually get the painting done. The day wasn’t a loss though. I helped my boyfriend find a house full of curtains for his place, had a great burger dinner, watched some Game of Thrones, and hung out with my daughter and her friends while they watched Pitch Perfect for the umpteenth time. I’m thankful for the way the day ended up.
July 1
A friend of mine posted a link on her Facebook page that said, if you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in two words? I didn’t comment on it there, but I’ve thought about it since I saw it. Her comment was “stay single,” understandable since she’s going through a difficult time in a relationship right now. Maybe I would have wanted to tell my younger self those same words when I went through my divorce. After all, at the time it seemed like it would be easier to avoid connections altogether than to endure the heartache that follows a break up. But I know I wouldn’t have listened. Relationships are too important to me. So I came up with a bunch of 2 word phrases I could say to my younger self that I think might make a difference in my life today:
travel more, be patient, avoid drama, live purposefully, wait longer, stop worrying, eat healthier, avoid (I’d insert a name here), speak up, practice more, learn guitar, enjoy it, wear swimsuits, pray more, don’t assume…
The list could go on and on. There’s a lot I wish my younger self knew. However, the one two-word combination that I think would make the most impact would be love you. If I were smart enough, I’d see it as both a commentary and a directive. Love you. You’re valuable. You’re important. You’re worth it. Love you. Take care of yourself. Don’t ignore your needs. Don’t put yourself last all the time. I’m thankful that I’m learning to be better at it, but in my younger days I really struggled with the belief that my worth was based on the expectations of others. Believing that I had to prove I was worthy of love, that it was somehow conditional on what I could bring to the table, so to speak. I wish I realized sooner that being lovable is inherent in simply being who you are, not what you can be or do for people. I would have saved myself a lot of disappointment. After all, not everyone is going to love you, no matter what you do for them. Ultimately, it’s more rewarding to find the ones who love you, regardless.
June 30
We’ve had some pretty crazy weather here the last 24 hours. Scattered storms and tornados warnings. A flood warning came tonight as well. I’m thankful that so far nothing more has come of it. I’m hopeful that the storms tonight bring nothing more than thunder and lightning.
June 29
A student called me last night on his way to rehab. Unfortunately, it’s not his first time going. I was hopeful that he was back on track; he had been clean for about six months up until a few weeks ago. He was doing well in school and at his student campus job. You’d never guess he was struggling to keep his life in check. It just goes to show you that everyone has a story and you can’t always tell what it is by appearances. By looks alone, he would seem to be one of the fortunate ones: good-looking, intelligent, talented, well-liked. But as is so often the case, looks are deceiving. He confided in me the first time we met; he wanted me to know that he was trying to get his life back on track. He had gone away to school, got into trouble with drugs and alcohol, and came back home to have some accountability. The first semester he was at school here, he did well. The next semester he dropped out to detox. He came back and did well. Now he’s out again. It’s a cycle that must be exhausting and incredibly difficult. And not just for him. His mother called me today. She wanted to make sure he had alerted me that he wouldn’t be back on campus for a while. We had talked the last time he dropped out, and she cried then just as she did today. She couldn’t hide the sadness and anger as we talked about the disappointment in seeing him this way when he has so much going for him. And how frustrating it is knowing that regardless of all of us wanting and trying to help, the battle is his. Ultimately, he has to find it within himself to stay on the path of recovery. I’ve never struggled myself with an addiction, but I know it’s a constant battle, especially when there’s someone in your life who keeps trying to drag you back into it. For him, it’s an old girlfriend who won’t let go. Who doesn’t see the need for him to stay clean. Who, even when he tries to escape her influence, somehow finds him and gets him to slide back into his old ways. My heart breaks for him and his mother. He’s only in his early twenties, but they’ve already been through so much. I hope this time is the one that works. Today I’m thankful he knew he needed to get help.
June 28
Today’s grateful list:
Lattes at a new coffee shop
Leveling sand for easy brick laying
Breezes that help offset the humidity
Shampoo without the allergic ingredient
Dinner and games with friends
Ice cream cake AND chocolate cake
My cat’s purring
June 27
So I found out today that I’m allergic to an ingredient that is found in a lot of stuff: cleansers, shampoo, lotions, soaps, moisturizers, makeup. When I got home today, I checked some of my products. Seems my shampoo, face cleanser, body wash and hand soap all contain that ingredient. I have a lot of checking to do, I guess. However, I am thankful to have found something I can look to avoid. That’s a good start.
June 26
My allergy appointment didn’t go as well as I had hoped. As the nurse was removing the tape off my back, she commented several times about how red I was. From the tape. And when the doctor saw me, he said my skin’s reaction to the tape was so overpowering that he couldn’t get a good read on the actual spots they were testing me for, so I have to go back in tomorrow morning. Isn’t that some dumb luck–reacting to the hypoallergenic tape. I knew my skin was sensitive, but geez. I just hope something else actually shows up. Otherwise, I’m back to square one. I am thankful that my eyes haven’t swollen shut in a couple of weeks. They’ve gotten a little puffy every day, but I discovered that over-the-counter allergy eye drops help alleviate that. I guess I’m also thankful that I didn’t react to everything. I know people who have allergies to numerous things, both environmental and food, and it’s miserable for them. I’m just looking to solve the mystery of my swollen eyes and call it good. Maybe need to avoid one thing. Wouldn’t it be great if, knowing we couldn’t avoid all issues, we could at least choose the parameters of our problems? So if I have to be allergic to something, could it be something simple, like stuffed animals? I’d avoid them. Never buy them. Wouldn’t have them in my house. I could live just fine without stuffed animals. Or eggplant. It actually does bother me, so I avoid it. Eggplant isn’t something that shows up randomly in food dishes. It’s in eggplant parmigiana and ratatouille. It’s not accidentally in my Caesar salad because of cross-contamination. I’ve lived most of my life without randomly crossing paths with eggplant. But I know that’s all wishful thinking. We can’t really control what problems we encounter unless it’s ones of our own making. So if something shows up tomorrow or doesn’t show up, I’ll deal with it. And be thankful that in the grand scheme of life issues, it’s a small one.
June 25
I had allergy testing patches put on my back yesterday and had to leave them on through today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning to see what may show up. It’s been a bit uncomfortable. There is one definite spot that has been itching, and I’ve been instructed not to scratch. I also cannot get the patches wet, which meant careful bathing and no sweating. In the hot sun. I ended up not going to work so I could be uncomfortable at home instead. That also allowed me time to hang out with my youngest who hasn’t been home much lately. We worked on a couple of house projects and went out to lunch. She knows that I want to redo her bedroom when she’s gone in July so she periodically bugged me about it today. I had fun giving her absolutely no clues as to my plans. All she has seen are a couple of end tables someone at work gave me that I will be converting into a desk. And last week we bought a purple velvet vanity chair from The Salvation Army. She was a little frustrated at my insistence on keeping things a a secret. But I love surprises. And projects. So I’m looking forward to that. Tonight she and I ended the day by making popcorn and chocolate shakes and watching old episodes of Dr. Who. I’m thankful we had time to spend together. And I can’t wait to get to the doctor in the morning.
June 24
I was talking with some friends at work today when one of them (a guy) asked me why women trash talk other women. Apparently, at his wife’s place of employment, someone got upset that the younger, attractive women were dressed to impress. He said he thought most women dress up more to impress each other than they do to attract guys anyway. While I don’t disagree with his thought process, my immediate response was that the woman in question was jealous. It’s hard for a woman to realize that maybe her peak has passed. I imagine it’s hard for guys too, but let’s face it, the importance of physical attractiveness weighs much heavier on women. Do a Google search on “aging gracefully” and 98% of the images are women. Most of the quotes are geared toward women, as are a lot of the comics. And I say this not just from what our culture dictates, but what I’ve experienced personally. I dated a guy who once told me he didn’t care whether or not I found him attractive. He felt it was something he didn’t need to worry about. Of course this was after he told me I was “average” and had no qualms about pointing out the women he did think were beautiful. Which only encouraged the trap that most women fall into…constant comparison. For women, worrying about how we measure up to the next girl is almost instinctive and subconscious. Although, I do believe it has been actively bred in our society. It’s no secret that most magazine pictures are airbrushed and most celebrities have had a team of experts putting them together. Yet even though we all know this, so many of us still hold ourselves up to unrealistic standards. We are supposed to age gracefully, which means not aging at all or at the very least not looking our age. But that completely discounts every other measure of what makes a person beautiful. The heart. The soul. The wisdom, kindness, intelligence, empathy. The way they laugh, they way they smile, their acceptance, forgiveness, grace, strength…A beautiful person is so much more than a beautiful face. Of course most of us want to be physically attractive, but gravity is hard to fight. Sun damage is hard to reverse. The act of living means our bodies take a bit of a beating. Do I look at twenty year old girls and feel jealous sometimes? Yes. But then I remember that they’ll look something like me when they’re my age, if they are lucky enough. If their bodies go through childbirth and years of yard work and house remodels and exercise. Winters skiing and summers swimming. I’m thankful my body has held up as well as it has. I’m thankful I haven’t lost a limb or gotten skin cancer or any number of horrible maladies that bodies can go through. And you know what, I’m going to age because that’s what bodies do. I’ll try to hold off as much as I can for as long as I can because, well, I guess I’m just vain enough. I’m maybe not quite at the point of dressing only for comfort. But I also want my body to last as long as it can. After all, I hope I have a whole lot of years left to live in it.
melissagratitude 