March 9, 2021

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I took today off work. The weather was beautiful and I wanted to enjoy it. I spent time outside as much as I could. I took the Christmas lights off the bushes since the snow had melted enough to get to them and threw away the greenery in the pots. It was a relief to put the last of the Christmas stuff away on this pre-spring day. Then I put up a new kitchen light, watched a movie and took a long bath.

I’ve been trying not to take days off work if it’s not necessary, so I debated about it. I felt a little guilty. I want to stay strong and power through everything without complaining and without missing a beat. But to be honest, some days the mental drain gets to me. The constant worry and unknowns. The frustrations. Then it dawned on me that no one is going to give me a badge of honor at the end of this. I need to manage the best way I can, and if that means a day off sometimes, it’s ok, and I’m thankful for that.

March 8, 2021

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My youngest daughter, Emma, had been working at a place that stressed her. The management was uncaring, some colleagues had difficulty getting along, and she was forced into more duties because they had trouble keeping staff. But today, she started a new job. Throughout the process of interviewing and on boarding, she could see a marked difference in management, so she was hopeful that her new colleagues would be friendly and easy to work with. Today she said her colleagues had all sent her welcoming emails for her to read while she was in training. I’m so thankful that she found a new job that sounds more promising and less stressful.

My oldest daughter, Brianna, and her (fiancé!) had said when they visited last month that they intended to get married. He had designed a ring and was waiting for it to be finished, so she didn’t know when he would propose. But today they officially got engaged. I’m so happy for them! The ring is beautiful, and they looked so happy when we video chatted. I’m so thankful she found someone who is good to her and good for her. They’re such a cute couple.

I’m grateful that regardless of whatever hardships we are going through, there are still moments of happiness to celebrate and reminders that life keeps moving. We are never stuck in moments but moving through them to the next ones. Our days aren’t really always good or always bad, and that’s why hope endures.

March 7, 2021

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One of the hardest things for me in all of this has been not being able to do as much as I normally would. I’m used to jumping into physical projects and not thinking twice about it. Today I wanted to finish some cleaning that I started yesterday. After vacuuming the floors, I took all the sofa cushions off our sectional so I could vacuum everything and flip them over. I had to stop periodically because I got winded. And then the rest of the day, my legs ached.

I’m blaming chemo, even though I know I’m out of shape. It’s frustrating to feel this way, but I remind myself often that it’s temporary and manageable. I need to do what I can now and let it go. I also think that maybe it’s a good time to incorporate yoga into my routine to help build some strength.

Although I was moving slower than normal, I did get more done today and that helped my peace of mind. I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful for a couple of new spring touches that make me smile.

That face!

March 6, 2021

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Today I felt a little spring fever and decided it was time to put away all the remaining winter decorations. I didn’t realize how many little trees I still had around the house. I even pulled out a few spring greenery I had stored to replace the trees with.

It felt good to pack away the winter and then clean up the house some. We’re going to be getting warmer weather this week and I’m so ready for it. I’m thankful that my weird rashes were better today and I had more energy to get stuff accomplished.

March 5, 2021

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I’ve had some weird skin things going on. This started last night and only on my right hand. It burns a bit.

It’s not the only spot where I have a rash. I have another one under my arm and I had one one my face yesterday.

My doctor prescribed some steroid cream, so I’m hoping it helps. The adjustment to this new chemo is taking a little bit of time. But I’m thankful the rash on my face has faded already, and I’m hopeful the rest will fade soon.

March 3, 2021

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I made it through the new chemo today without an allergic reaction, so I’m immensely relieved. There was a moment of question when I started to get a prickly sensation in my throat and tongue, but it didn’t get worse so we didn’t stop. The biggest effect was the drunk feeling that 50 mg of intravenous Benadryl gives a person. I was loopy for a while and then tired enough once we got home that I fell asleep on the sofa.

Sparkly shoes!

I was still nervous this morning and the last minute encouraging words from family and friends helped. But what really gave me sense of calm was this necklace.

When my family came to visit, my mom gave me a card that included this necklace. It had been my dad’s. When he was diagnosed with stomach cancer, a lady from their church, a cancer survivor herself, gave it to him. He wore it for years and sometimes carried it in his pocket. Mom felt like dad would want me to have it right now.

While I prayed for strength this morning, I felt like it was my dad who spoke to me, telling me I was going to be ok. And I felt calm when the infusion started.

My dad was always strong. Strong mind. Strong willed. Strong opinions. But the cancer eventually overcame him. I know he’d be heartbroken if he were still here to see me going through this too. He was when my sister was diagnosed. But I like the idea that he’s watching from a place of knowing, a place of peace. Where he is whole and happy and can share his strength with me somehow.

I’m grateful my mom shared this piece of my dad with me. I’m thankful for my dad.

March 2, 2021

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I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m irrationally anxious about starting new chemo tomorrow. From all accounts, it should be an easier chemo overall, even though it will be weekly treatments. It shouldn’t cause as much fatigue nor nausea. The biggest side effect is numbness in the hands and feet that begin over time.

I’m not so worried about those side effects as I am the injection itself. People have allergic reactions to it during the injection, especially the first one. My doctor mentioned today that it’s not as common but it could feel like the throat is closing up. I honestly wanted to punch him for saying that out loud. I’m mean, seriously? If you read my post about my (also embarrassing) surgery recovery, you’ll remember that my WORST fear is choking. I do not need this thought in my head.

So today I’m thankful for the encouraging thoughts from my family and friends that I’ll be fine. And the very rational reminders from Patrick that they’re talking about a small number of people who have this reaction. True. And that I don’t have plant allergies. Also true. And I should stop googling it. Yeah, probably true.

While I have a tendency to sometimes get into my own head too much, I’ve never really over worried about health issues before. I’ve really been quite healthy up to this point, so if something checked out ok, I stopped thinking about it. But I realized while talking about it today that I now feel more wary. More susceptible or vulnerable to everything. Cancer came out of nowhere so what else is lurking around the corner?

It’s a lousy feeling, honestly. One I keep fighting against. I’ve never considered myself much of a victim and I hate to start now. So tomorrow I’m going to be fine. Really. Fine.

March 1, 2021

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It’s a new month! I’m so glad we are creeping closer to Spring. In the last week we’ve had enough of a warm up that quite a lot of snow has melted. It is exciting to see spots of grass again.

I’m also thankful that I was able to get caught up on some projects at work. I actually started work a bit early because I had a 7:00 meeting scheduled I wanted to be prepared for. However, when I logged on, I discovered the meeting was pushed to next week instead. And while Mondays are usually busy, it was quiet enough to devote time to getting caught up. It was great because it’s usually the middle of the night that I worry about all the items on my work list, and I’ve been frustrated lately that I’ve been too busy to get things checked off of it. It’s made work a lot more stressful than necessary.

Of course, I’m not completely caught up, but I made some strides. I’m grateful to have eliminated a little stress today. Hopefully, I can get completely caught up soon.

February 28, 2021

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I’m thankful today for taking it easy. I always feel pressure on the weekends to get as much done as possible—clean the house, make crafts, finish books, exercise more—especially when I’m feeling good. That was my thought this morning. But instead we took an extra long walk outside and then I decided I didn’t NEED to accomplish anything.

It was nice to take the pressure off myself and just leisurely enjoy the day. I still did things: watched a few sewing videos, read a couple of chapters of a book, chatted with my sister. But I checked nothing off my to-do list, and I’m ok with that. Instead, I’m thankful for what I’d normally consider wasting the day.