March Fourth. A day to march forth. I want to do that. I’m hoping I can. One unknown I had been worrying about was resolved today, at least for the time being. I’m very thankful for that. I’m still not sure how clearly that leaves the path ahead of me, but now I know in what direction I’m headed, and I’m anxious to see where and how far it goes.
March 3
For some reason, I’ve been thinking about gardening. Strange, I know. We’re still buried under mountains of snow and ice, and the temperatures started in the negatives today. But I can’t wait until I can get my hands back in the dirt and plant stuff. Maybe it’s the fact that I spontaneously bought a 2 foot spiral evergreen during one of my Lowe’s trips last week. It’s sitting out at the end of my sidewalk like a happy little garden ornament. I’ve been considering where I can plant it when the time comes.
When I bought my house it was covered in overgrown bushes and trees. To the point where the front door and big picture window weren’t even visible from the street. There was no way to salvage most of them, so I enlisted the help of a friend and tore pretty much everything out. I think only one small flowering bush remained at the side of the house. Because it was the end of summer by the time I was done with the destruction, I didn’t have a lot of time to plan out a good landscape. Instead, I found a few bushes and perennials to put back in so things didn’t look quite so bare through fall. However, I’m now anxious to continue with the plan. While I wait for the spring thaw to start, I’m going to peruse my landscaping books and Pinterest boards for inspiration. Not only will that help me figure out the best place for my little evergreen, but it may help me get through the last of this painful winter cold.
March 2
I’m thankful for laughter today. For the moments spent teasing each other and laughing…
I miss how your laughter
could fill me up
and tickle me from the inside
out
and we’d both bubble over
until we started to
cry
March 1
I’m consistently reminded of how easy it is to misread other people’s actions and assign meaning to things that maybe have nothing to do with us. It’s been an emotional week for me for some reason. Well, for reasons I know but am reluctant to admit to the world. Just know it has something to do with feeling unsettled and unsure. I know, that’s life sometimes. However, I’ve been a bit sensitive as well to words and actions that maybe didn’t require as much of a reaction from me. Isn’t it interesting how our insecurities can be magnified by what is out of our control? And how sometimes hurts we have experienced in the past can creep into the present in ways that should have no apparent meaning? In statistics its correlation is not causation. Logic likes to use the word “imply.” Correlation does not imply causation. Basically the premise is that things that may seem to be in relationship to each other, may simply be a matter of coincidence.
I’m finding that letting go of past hurts isn’t the easiest of tasks. Of course, there are some things that are long gone…and for me it’s the big stuff. For me the big items are the easiest to get rid of. Most people don’t intend to cause major hurts or disruptions to their lives or the lives of someone else. The hardest things to let go of are the seemingly small things. The ways we’ve felt slighted and made to feel insignificant. The dismissive way we were treated or the disregard we were given by people who played an important role in our lives. It’s true what they say about the power or words. Words can hurt. Deeply. And sometimes the lack of certain words can also cause holes.
I was joking with someone tonight about the many lives I’ve lived, but it’s very true. I feel like I’ve lived through so much and come a long way to be at the place I am. And where I am is a good place. I’ve overcome a lot of obstacles and hurdles and feel like I’m a much wiser person for the lives I’ve lived. But I have a few scars that needs softening. Those I’m still working on. I’m glad to be reminded today that not every word means the same thing coming out of every mouth. People are different. Every person deserves to be held accountable for their own actions and not held up to the scrutiny of the people who came before them. Our past affects our present, but it doesn’t always inform it. Because something seems familiar emotionally doesn’t mean it’s the same thing in reality. Sometimes it’s only our reaction that is the same. We need to learn the difference or risk losing what doesn’t need to be lost. I’m figuring that out, and that’s a good thing.
Feb 28
It’s the last day of February. I’m grateful for that since it means there are only 20 days left until the first day of Spring. Isn’t that when winter is required to go away?
Feb 27
I read an article somewhere online today that listed 20 things everyone should accomplish in his or her lifetime. I read through the list, just out of curiosity, not that I thought I needed another to-do list to work on. I was expecting rather grandiose and unattainable dictates, so I was mildly surprised at how basic the list was. It included things like Keep a journal (yes I do), Get your heart broken (how many times does it take?), Take a leap of faith (every time I get on the treadmill), Adopt a pet (do kids count?). Of the twenty items, I had actually accomplished 15. Not bad. There are a couple I probably won’t get to such as Live in a foreign country (not that I’d be opposed to a short stint in Europe) and Go wilderness camping (regular camping is bad enough). Oh! and Take a sabbatical unless being involuntarily unemployed counts, but the true version I don’t see happening anytime soon unless I strike it rich in the lottery. My last winning ticket was only $4.00 so I don’t put much hope in that.
The first item on the list was Own a business. I have to say that is one thing I am grateful to have done. I’ve actually owned a couple businesses over the years. One was in decorative painting that I started on a whim, mostly. I enjoy art and painting and thought I’d give it a go for extra income in conjunction with my full-time job. I put an ad in the local newspaper and got a call from a lady asking if I could paint a couple of white columns in her house to look like marble. Of course! I told her, and then proceeded to figure out how to do it since I’d never done it before. Thankfully, she loved it and hired me a couple more times. I eventually got connected with an interior designer and my business took off. I painted in homes, in restaurants, in other businesses and basically learned along the way based on what people requested. Metal doors to look like wood, walls to look like animal print, lots of marble and stone look-alikes and murals. Murals were my favorite. I’m proud of the fact that I built a business that lasted for many years off of one ad in a newspaper and word of mouth. I learned a lot. But not as much as I learned with the second business I’ve had. My ex-husband and I owned a heating and air conditioning business that we started out of the basement of our house. He knew the trade, and I have to admit, he was good at it. I helped with marketing and as an extra pair of hands whenever needed. In a matter of a couple years, we were able to move the business into a rented space and eventually into a warehouse we bought. We made it an official corporation and hired employees and equipment and trucks and even expanded into a second office space. We eventually reached a million dollars in business. It was quite an accomplishment. It was also quite a learning experience.
There is a daily struggle that comes with business ownership that is unlike the daily grind of a normal 8-5 job. When you are solely responsible for earning not only your own living, but the livelihood of people you’ve hired, there is a weight on your shoulders that never goes away. It’s a 24/7 proposition. Oftentimes hiring someone to do the extras doesn’t always pay out, so you end up doing a lot of the details yourself. I learned how to make and install duct work, and help set air conditioners and boilers, and sometimes went with on midnight emergency calls because two sets of hands were needed. I helped reroof our commercial building with metal sheeting. I learned how to do payroll and talk with vendors and call customers about unpaid bills and spent weekends manning a booth at fairs. I made countless runs to pick up supplies in various towns. There was never a moment when there wasn’t something to do. And yet, in crunch time, when the money doesn’t come in as quickly as it goes out, paying yourself is often last on the list. Funny how that happens.
Ultimately, we sold the HVAC business. That also had its own special lesson. And my painting business fizzled out over time, especially after I moved. I don’t regret either one overall. The best teacher is experience and I now know what I know. Owning a business is both a blessing and a curse. And it isn’t for everyone, so I don’t necessarily agree with its inclusion on the internet to-do list. I’m glad it was on mine though.
Feb 26
I’m going to say this upfront. I’m thankful for my bed. Most nights I can’t wait to crawl into it.
When I got divorced, I left behind a lot of items because we had to sell our house and pretty much everything in it. Long, sad story. Ultimately, it worked for me because I wanted a fresh start. And that meant starting over from scratch. I rented a two bedroom apartment in an old duplex. It was a cool place with hardwood floors, heavy crown moldings, a sunroom and a cute porch off the back. But the stairwell to the second floor bedrooms was cramped. Since I needed to buy all new furniture, I figured I would simply get myself a queen bed and my kids twins for the room they had to share. I quickly realized, however, that the queen box spring would not fit through the stairwell. But the twin box spring worked just fine. So I was forced to buy myself a king size bed since the box spring was two twins, and the mattress could bend enough to shove up the stairs.
The irony is that I’m not a big person. I’m only 5’2″. I have no physical need for such a large bed. However, I have grown to love it. I sleep every which way but straight up and down in my bed. I sleep corner to corner a lot, but horizontal mostly. I had a conversation recently with friends about whether or not we tuck our blankets under at the foot of the bed. Umm…not really. Sheet maybe, but not blanket, although for me it doesn’t matter. My feet don’t reach that far anyway. I prefer to leave my feet unfettered at the opposite side of the bed. My most recent addition is a foam topper. Wow is that wonderful. It’s like sleeping in a hug. And I didn’t skimp on pillows either. I have a couple of down pillows because I like to scrunch them up. Down kind of conforms to my head without fighting back. I like that. I sometimes fight sleep; I don’t need to fight my sleeping zone too.
Feb 25
It was a frustrating day overall. Do you ever have those times where you feel mired down in mediocrity? Where things are just eh but you know they could and should be so much better? I was at that point on several levels today. At work, with my class, with myself. For some reason, I feel stalled. Of course, at this point, I figure I can blame pretty much everything on the never ending winter, so ultimately that’s what I decided to do. I’ll move beyond this humdrum once temperatures rise about 30 degrees and my motivation returns. In the meantime, I did what most girls would do, I whined to my friends. And I really hate whining…even from myself. I try not to do it that often, and when I do, I give myself a short timeframe to get it out. Thankfully, I have some pretty awesome friends. They gave me a good mixture of awww…I totally understand and yeah, you’ll get over it. I appreciate the doses of reality the most because sitting in crap forever just stinks. While I think it’s natural and necessary sometimes to sit in the muck of life, I don’t think it’s good to set up house there. I like to get out of it as soon as possible, so I respond pretty well to a proverbial slap. I’m glad the frustration I felt today isn’t a daily occurrence and that I have friends who care enough to make sure of it.
Feb 24
Today at work we had brunch. It was planned but not for any particular reason or holiday. Someone decided a potluck would be fun and the rest of us jumped on the food wagon. Because mornings were less hectic for everyone overall, the potluck turned into a brunch. I work on the bottom floor of a building that has three floors. Some call it the basement; I prefer the term garden floor. There are just a few departments located on my level, so there weren’t a lot of people involved in getting the brunch together. Someone put a sign up sheet on the wall of the break room, and we all wrote down what we thought we’d bring.
It was heaven. I love breakfast foods. Breakfast is one of my favorite meals out, although, strangely, I rarely go out for breakfast. I’m lucky if I get a real breakfast eaten during the week. Usually, I throw a yogurt cup into my bag on the way out the door and eat it at my desk when I get to work. Today, though, was all the breakfast one could imagine. Someone brought a whole spiraled, baked ham. Someone else brought a pan of bacon. We had two different egg casseroles, cheesy potatoes, a fruit bowl with fruit dip, bagels and at least 3 different kinds of breads and muffins. I brought waffle batter and my Mickey Mouse waffle iron and cooked waffles to order while another lady made pancakes on her griddle. The entire floor smelled like a restaurant. I felt a little bad for the poor folks who were simply wandering through, uninvited.
While the food was delicious and lasted through lunchtime, it was really the camaraderie that was the best part. The fact that I work with a great group of people, willing to throw together something like our feast today, just for the sake of doing it, is pretty cool. Of course, this wasn’t our first food-centered shindig, and I’m sure it won’t be our last. It’s fantastic to be able to go to work every day in an environment like I have. For the most part, everyone gets along. People share. People are involved. That’s important. I’m thankful to be reminded of that today.
Feb 23
It’s been a relaxing Sunday. It’s nice to have days that start with no agenda. It means being open to whatever transpires. Here are the highlights of what I was grateful for today:
The way the sun lit up my kitchen in the morning.
Drinking coffee and flipping through magazines at my kitchen island.
The mound of laundry I was able to get washed, dried and folded.
Getting through Lowe’s without succumbing to purchasing anything another other than what I went in for.
Hot tea prepared for me.
Metallica. Even though their movie had a dreadfully disappointing ending.
Spontaneous dinner out.
Socks. Just socks.
melissagratitude 