August 12

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I woke up exhausted. And stepped in puppy pee on my way through the kitchen. It was not a good morning. The gloomy sky only accentuated things, so I didn’t show up to work very excited for the day. But I saw when I got there that Randy from maintenance had finished painting the walls in my tutoring lab. That was the start of an upwards swing. And I’m happy to report that my day has ended well. Some gratitude highlights:

My broken kitchen faucet is being replaced under warranty. I got the email shipping confirmation today which means hot water in my kitchen again soon.
My daughter borrowed my car so I got to drive her little sports car. I really do enjoy manual transmissions.
Lately my bible verse, daily Goodreads quotes, and decorating blog emails have been interesting and timely.
I tackled a pile of papers on my desk and won.
Lunch included a milkshake.
I finally used a wine store gift certificate I got at Christmas–on seasonal craft beer.
Someone brought me tomatoes from his garden.
My puppy is back in crate training, but only whined for a short while at bedtime. Maybe I’ll get some real sleep tonight.

August 11

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I admit, I was really shocked when I heard of Robin Williams’ death today. And saddened more than I thought possible. After all, I didn’t know him personally. I’m also not someone who normally follows celebrity news carefully. So I was surprised to find myself in tears over his loss. But then again, he had been an actor since I was a small child. He’d been around in movies for pretty much all of my life. Hearing about his death today felt a little bit like losing an uncle I didn’t get to see that often. In his memory, I rented and watched one of my favorite films What Dreams May Come. And I’ve been thinking about what his death means to me. And why I feel so affected. I think the key is simply to look at some of the characters he’s played over the years: Dr. Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting, John Keating in Dead Poet’s Society, Chris in What Dreams May Come, Daniel in Mrs. Doubtfire, Adrian in Good Morning Vietnam, Peter Pan in Hook, Alan in Jumanji, Armand in The Birdcage, Hunter Adams in Patch Adams…The bulk of his characters were inspirational. Characters who were compassionate, often struggling with their own issues but trying to help others overcome theirs as well. Because Robin Williams was such a great actor, it was easy to believe that he was just like his characters, which makes his loss to apparent suicide seem so much more tragic. He’s supposed to overcome. He’s the guy who’s always searching for the answers and fighting the good fight. How could he have found himself no longer able to?

I posted back in June about a friend of mine who had committed suicide and how much it affected me. My disbelief now is not as great as it was then, of course, but it’s familiar. When I hear of anyone’s death from suicide I immediately think of all the wonderful things they’re missing out on. However, that’s my view and I know that and I’m thankful that it’s my default. It helps me personally when I’m struggling. But there’s a line in What Dreams May Come that seems poignant What’s true in our minds is true, whether other people know it or not. We can’t always tell what struggles people are going through, and even if we did, we may not understand them anyway. Not all of our demons are the same. But there are many people living with depression or anxiety or any other illness that becomes a daily struggle. We may not be able to see it. Robin Williams is a perfect example, a man who always seemed so full of energy and laughter on the outside. While I’m sad to hear of his battles with depression and his death today, I’m thankful we were blessed with his talent. I wish his family peace tonight.

August 10

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The outside of my house is about 98% painted. I’m thankful for the help I had today with my boyfriend on the tall ladder and my kids helping with trim. I also borrowed a ladder stabilizer from some friends which helped a lot. It took longer than I had hoped to get things as far along as we did, but it’s about there. Another half a day and another gallon of paint should do it. That’s a big one off my list. I’m also thankful that I finally got my closet organizers put in. The huge mess that has dominated my upstairs for the last few weeks can now get tackled. I had my kids help me tonight decide on whether to keep or toss some of my clothes. I tried things on and they gave me their opinions. That was brutal. I can now imagine how the folks on What Not to Wear feel when stepping into the dressing room of truth and getting Stacy’s and Clinton’s feedback. My kids do not soften their criticism. And I now have a pile of clothes to give away. However we did have some pretty hilarious moments too. Once you realize something looks ridiculous, it’s easy to make fun of yourself. In fact there were a couple of items we saved for the Halloween costume box. At any rate, it was good to get some movement on the to-do list today.

August 8

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Like most places, there are things about where I work that frustrate me. There are a lot of politics and egos and groups who feel under appreciated and treated differently than others. There are people who are difficult to deal with and people who don’t pull their weight. But there are also many things that are good and for which I’m grateful. One of those things is the amount of vacation time I get. I hope one day to actually take a vacation with it again. But in the meantime, I’m using it mostly to finish my projects at home. Today I took the day off and actually got back to painting my house. And this time my kids were around to help. Together we got the sides about done. There’s just a little trim work to finish. Neither one of my girls is comfortable on a ladder, so I had to get the top stuff. Unfortunately I’m the shortest, so for me it’s a gymnastics event. I’m always pushing my luck by teetering on the top rungs–you know the ones that say don’t stand on. Usually I have one foot there and one foot on, oh, maybe the roof. At least my fearful children held the ladder steady for me. So I didn’t fall today and we got a lot done. One more half a day and the entire house should be complete. I’m very thankful for that.

August 7

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I was invited to a four year old’s birthday party last night. She got the scooter she had been wanting for the last several months and her reaction was just what you’d expect. That’s just what I wanted she said several times. And as she opened her other gifts, she was smart enough to show some enthusiasm, even commenting on one of the board games that my boyfriend and I gave her that it, too, was something she had always wanted. But the scooter was a definite highlight. She wanted to ride it immediately after gift opening, going in circles inside a few times until finally getting to go outside with it. But what was sweet is that she didn’t want to ride it alone. She asked if I’d walk with her. So we went up and down the driveway a few times until she decided she was done with the scooter. Then we played with other toys for a while and then raced a few times up and down the driveway. She pointed out where her mom had written happy birthday in chalk on the sidewalk. She explained why she loved a Wisconsin postcard she was given. We made faces in a plastic mirror that she found in the garage and sat outside and ate birthday cake. And that was pretty much it. Complete excitement. She got the scooter she wanted, rode it for about 10 minutes and was perfectly happy with her birthday celebration. What a great reminder to appreciate the small stuff. I think sometimes our expectations for things, especially things we have been anticipating or waiting for, are too big. Adults sometimes expect the things we desire to fill more than what they’re designed to…we expect the attainment of “things” to somehow drastically change our lives, whether those things are objects (new car, nice clothes, new house) or people or jobs. But really, a scooter is just a scooter. Good for about 10 minutes of fun. Getting the things we desire won’t change anything unless we are somehow content already. At least reasonably content. Because if we aren’t, then we simply start looking for the next thing on the list that we think will make us happy. And the next thing. I’m thankful to have been reminded by a four year old that the things I yearn for will only be gifts (realistically or metaphorically) when I see them as additions to my life, not panaceas for any discontent. Once again, gratitude is key.

August 6

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It’s a quick one tonight because I’m seeking refuge from a rather miserable headache by going to bed early. I’m thankful for help with the puppy today, for an afternoon off work, for a nice evening regardless of the aforementioned headache, and for chocolate cake.

August 5

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So when I moved into my house last summer I put in all new carpet. I picked out a nice, neutral frieze that I thought looked nice and would wear well. I liked the texture. It’s reminiscent of the old “shag” type (now called “twist”) which I thought looked a little modern, yet casual. Well, it turns out that frieze is just another word for grass. At least to a puppy. Apparently I have filled my house with a very neutral indoor bathroom for dogs. On so many fronts, my puppy has acclimated very well to his new home. He doesn’t bark at the neighbors. He gets along with the cat (ignores him). He has learned his name, how to sit, sleeps through the night, goes out his doggie door, and doesn’t jump on the furniture. He doesn’t have accidents on the kitchen tile where he’s usually confined. But expand his area to include that beautiful frieze and it’s like he has lost all sense. And I thought my kids being home would speed the potty training process along since there are more of us to keep an eye on him. But I forgot how their eyes get glued to electronics, which makes it easy for the little puppy butt to get into trouble. I’m not sure why I thought potty training would be easier. My oldest kid was three years old before she was trained, which I reminded her of last night when she was complaining about the dog. So that’s a problem that still needs to be solved. Crate training has been Googled. Again. The other is teething. I was prepared for the chewing and the many stuffed animals and bones and random items in his toy bucket can attest to it. What I forgot about was the addition of puppy playing. The proper formula goes something like Teething x Energy + Moving Objects/morning,evening = Painful Puppy Bites. He’s not aggressive, just eager to play. He usually doesn’t actually bite so much as try to nip in an effort to get someone to wrestle with him. At 6 am or pm mostly, which happens to be my least favorite time to play. I’ve Googled this as well. One article I read encouraged playing along until the puppy bites too hard, at which point one is supposed to simply stop and “be a tree.” Um…I’m pretty sure if a tree could move or swat at whatever was gnawing at it, it would. Trees would become Ents pretty dang quickly if they could feel dog teeth. Instinct is, of course, to jerk the hand (or foot or leg) away from his eager puppy mouth, and I have ninja skills when it comes to that. He’s not broken skin, but he’s pinched me pretty good a few times. I have the bruises to prove it. I imagine the neighbors are amused in the morning when I start dancing around the deck in my bathrobe trying to avoid his teeth. Usually he stops pretty quickly with the distraction method. Therefore, I try to keep toys nearby to thrust between his jaws and a few minutes of tug of war helps. I’m grateful he’ll eventually grow out of some of that. I know we’ll also, eventually, get the potty training done. He’s a pretty smart dog and I’m not 100% exhausted yet. And thankfully for him he’s got his cuteness going for him. It’s hard to stay mad for too long.

August 4

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Another Monday ends. Like most people, I’m not particularly fond of Mondays. I wish I only had to work a half day on Mondays…go in at maybe 1:00 pm. It would be like easing into the week. I think I could be motivated to work half a Monday. And what would be even better would be working only half a day on Friday too. Maybe a 9-1 shift so the work week would trail off into the weekend. Yeah, that would be great. But in the meantime, I remind myself that I am happy to have a job to go to on Monday mornings. I’m actually in the process of re-arranging and redecorating the tutoring lab. One of the maintenance staff is painting some of the walls blue for me. He got it half done since last week. We finally have some color in there after years of beige walls, so that was fun to see today. I’m also thankful for some random items: I got documentation submitted at the real estate assessor’s office to get my taxes lowered next year, the pork roast I put in the slow cooker over lunch was pretty good and I’m glad my boyfriend was able to join us for dinner, he brought fresh tomatoes and zucchini bread which may be my dinner tomorrow, my kids and I had a nice chat tonight and made s’mores in the oven, and I got my puppy to pee in the rain before bedtime. I guess overall, it wasn’t a bad Monday.

August 3

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I hadn’t seen my oldest daughter for a couple of months and my youngest for a couple of weeks. So I’m thankful tonight that they are finally back home. We got caught up on events, my youngest already had friends over, the kids fell in love with the puppy, the puppy got exhausted from the attention and fell asleep by 8:30, and the cat is happy he has a few others to whine to. Things feel normal again.